What did you all do about your dissaproving DH?

[Msbear]

I cannot believe I sat here and read through most of these posts.

CityGirlintheCountry just about made me cry, I was so happy to hear everything put so well.

We do not know the Op's relationship with her husband. Whatever works is great for them but, it just sounds like something is missing.

I had a very overbearing father who demanded respect. I, in turn, became the woman who commanded it. Men are sometimes very turned off by me and all of my manliness

but, eventually, I found a wonderful and understanding husband who accepts me and I have found that I am not right all the time. Together we are doing it.

My mother remarried for the 3rd time and FINALLY did it for her. She has been bossed around her whole life and, at 50, found love for the first time. Though this new husband was fabulous and understanding and supportive, she still was submissive to him!! asking permission, etc. It's a tough dynamic to break out of. They are funny to watch because she is always too concerned with how he's going to react and she's always so suprised when he has no reacion or is supportive.

Dynamics can change. It just takes work on both parts. I don't mean to say that the OP's husband and her need to change. We do not know them and they may be perfectly happy just the way they are.. whatever works.. Im just kind of remarking on what others have said.

 

[CityGirlintheCountry]

What happens if your children aren't grown? Would you really curl up and die without your spouse even though your children still needed you? What about your future grandchildren? Mu grandfathers both died before I was born. I got to love and cherish my grandmothers until I was out of college. My relationship with my maternal grandmother made me the person I am today. What a loss if I had never known her and her complete unconditional love! Even now her loss breaks my heart and I'm a woman of almost 40. I'd give anything to still have her here with us. I find myself constantly wishing for her wise advice and constant love.

You are such a fabulous, interesting woman. Why would you not want your children and grandchildren to have you? The loss of your spouse would be devastating. How much more would the loss of their mother be on your children! Let me tell you, my dad almost died this spring. The thought makes me physically ill. I'm sure your children would say the same.

Learning to take care of yourself does not make you a "modern feminist woman". It makes you a good spouse and a good steward of the resources God has given you. What if your husband should be incapacitated? You would want to be able to help him and keep your family running. Insurance only pays out if your husband dies. What if he is just physically unable to take care of things? Sometimes life sends horrible things our way and we have to be able to take care of it. Better to have the knowledge and not have to need it than to be left drifting and lost in the midst of tragedy. Heaven forbid, your husband die and you have the insurance money to use. How will you know if the people you hire are doing the job you are paying them for? Sadly, our culture doesn't always follow the good deeds to widows and orphans policy. You HAVE to be able to protect your children and your lifestyle. It's not feminism. It's being a responsible adult.

If your division of labor works for you and your husband then by all means use it. If your marriage works the way it is, then great! Rillion is right. You do what works for you. But please, please don't be ignorant about how your life works. You ARE a strong woman and a smart one. Please, please use all the means at hand (including asking your husband to show you how to do stuff) to protect your family. Just because you know how to do things doesn't mean you have to do them all the time. You just need to be familiar with all the workings of your family so it's not so scary when you need those skills.

I'm so not trying to bash you and your lifestyle. Clearly you are happy with it and it is working for you. I just have seen too many women and men left drifting when life changed. It breaks my heart to see that hardship added on top of tragedy.

(PS I love the diversity on here too! It's what makes it so fun.

)

 

[Rillion]

Quote:
To me, feminism means supporting the freedom of women to do what makes them happy-- whatever that may be-- so long as it doesn't hurt anybody. I think feminism went off the rails when it started coupling "Don't let men tell you what to do!" with "Let us tell you what to do!"

It's all about the freedom to pursue one's own happiness, baby. If submitting to your husband is a tuna salad sandwich, and you've seen all of the sandwiches at Subway and decide that you're still going to stick with the tuna salad, well then go right ahead. Just make sure you can eat something else if they run out of tuna.

Hmm, that's a loopy analogy. I think I'm a little hungover from last night...hopefully the point still got across.

 

[hikerchick]

Quote:
To me, feminism means supporting the freedom of women to do what makes them happy-- whatever that may be-- so long as it doesn't hurt anybody. I think feminism went off the rails when it started coupling "Don't let men tell you what to do!" with "Let us tell you what to do!"

It's all about the freedom to pursue one's own happiness, baby. If submitting to your husband is a tuna salad sandwich, and you've seen all of the sandwiches at Subway and decide that you're still going to stick with the tuna salad, well then go right ahead. Just make sure you can eat something else if they run out of tuna.

Hmm, that's a loopy analogy. I think I'm a little hungover from last night....

To my way of thinking, a woman who is upset because her husband won't let her have a chicken is NOT happy with the choices she has made. She is clearly feeling the brunt of having given up her basic rights.

 

[saddina]

I do want to put a thought out there for those wives who are content to have thier husband "take care of them" because he's the man. I had a husband like that, he firmly believed it was his god-given duty to do everything while I stayed home and raised children, we agreed I should finish up college, but that was to shut my parents up abut my marring before graduating. We concieved within a few weeks of marriage and things looked really good. He did everything he felt a man should, worked, handled the bills, paid off my charge card monthly (I had it for buying things for the house, groceries etc). About 6 months into the marriage he wasn't feeling well, but wanted to drive us home because "the man drives". About a mile from home he had a seisure and we crossed the 74 into on comming traffic, he died before the ambulance reached us, and I lost our baby. I had no idea how to do anything for myself, yes I had life insurance money but my family was 700 miles away, and felt that if I was old enough to marry, I was old enough to figure it out.

Being widowed is harsh, and not knowing how to take care of yourself adds to the stress. It's been 11 years now, a day doesn't pass that I don't wonder if I had insisted he was too ill to drive, if he'd still be alive.

Even good husbands die too soon.

 

[CityGirlintheCountry]

Saddina
That story tears me up!

I'm sorry you had such a hard time of it.

 

[Rillion]

Quote:
You're right; she's not. However, my point is that if some women are happy living that way, that's their prerogative. It's not my cup of tea, but I'm not the one drinking it.

 

[hikerchick]

Quote:
You're right; she's not. However, my point is that if some women are happy living that way, that's their prerogative. It's not my cup of tea, but I'm not the one drinking it.

I agree with that 100%. I just get frustrated when I see people living a certain way only because they can't conceive of a different way. There are many ways to do life. I have made my choices and you will never see me on here whining because I don't have a man. When people make choices and then complain about the limitations these choices impose on them I feel compelled to point out the obvious.

 

[saddina]

Quote:
Thank you dear, I lost him before I was old enough to drink, otherwise I'm certain my liver would've become a pickle. There were days after I simply wanted to curl up and die myself, thank heaven a few good friends insisted I keep going on. I married a man after who understood that I did not want to rely on anyone for anything ever again. We are together because we wish to be, not because we need to be. It's a different sort of marriage, but I am a different woman now.

 

[PineBurrowPeeps]

Oh Saddina.....

What a heartbreaking story. You are such a strong woman. What an inspiration that you endured that kind of pain and still mustered up enough to have a life afterward.
I worry that I am much too weak of a person to overcome something like that.
My dependance on my husband goes deeper than just husband/wife. I am mentally disabled. I have severe anxiety disorder, OCD, depression, post trumatic stress disorder from abuse and rape, agoraphobia, etc. It's a miracle I function as well as I do and I only do so with the help of medication. I really truly worry what would happen to me if something ever happened to him. I am always riding him to take better care of himself, etc.
It's not something I haven't thought of, on the contrary, I have been known in the past to have an absolute FREAK OUT if he was home late from work (he works LATE at night sometimes, and I'm talking like an hour late, not a few minutes and no cell to call, etc.) and would be sure he got into a car wreck and then my mind would run away and I'd be thinking he was murdered in a ditch somewhere and I'd beside myself with panic, hyperventilating and sobbing my eyes out crumpled on the floor near the front window all the while looking for his headlights coming down the road.
I know ALL too well that I would be up chocolate creek without a popsicle stick if anything happened to him. I could not support myself. I have no siblings, my family is non-exsistant. I dropped out of high school young and pregnant and still have no GED. Never had a job.
Scary stuff.

All I can do is pray that we both die old and wrinkly and things work out. I do plan to get my GED and would like to go to college at some point. My therapist is trying to help me work on my extreme fear of driving. I'd like to do that too.
In my case it's not that I don't want to be indepedent, it's more that I'm scared to death of everything most people in person and my husband is "safe" and makes my world "safe". I feel weak. Truth is that if I hadn't met him when I did and he hadn't gotten me the enormous amount of help he has over the years I would have been long gone by my own hand, I was headed down a very dark and dangerous road of self destruction when he came along.