What is one to do with Mothers?

[Qi Chicken]

I don't think I would offer much in the way of explanation. If you say I can't. You can't. If you say I can't because I have another appt. she could say "Why would you schedule an appt. when you knew I needed your help you ungrateful daughter, and all around mentally ill piece of crap!" You don't need that!

I think I would just say no, sorry, bye. You need to respect yourself and your daughter enough to say enough is enough! There is a time and a place to cut the strings. This is it.

If you wanted you could tell her you need some time away for 6 months. If in six months she can be civil, maybe then. But not now.

 

[Germaine_11.20]

Hmmmm Well she wants you to mind your own business right? So mind YOUR OWN business and leave her to mind her own. When she calls, Guess what? You need to take care of your child-- she told you that you weren't doing a good job right? So make that your #1 priority every time she calls for something.

Unfortunately some parents will use certain children (who allow them to) as a whipping post. The only way to stop that is for you to stop allowing it.

Good luck to you

 

[zippitydooda]

I'm sorry you had such a difficult day with your mom. It must have made your heart ache, and for that, I wish you well. It is never fun to have a parent act like a child, is it?

If my mother acted like yours, I think I would feel torn. A part of me would want to be the "good" daughter, helping and loving and such. But the other part, the one that is getting all the crap from her would want tell her to figure out how to deal with her problems on her own.

Unfortunately, we can't choose our parents, and we can't divorce them. BUT, we can choose to not be around them or enable their bad behavior. So, keep loving the mom you wish you had, and avoid the one that you actually have. Life is TOO SHORT to live with all the fussing & fighting & negativity. That seeps into all the other good parts of your life and makes the people around you feel bad too. I'd put money on it that your husband is sick of the way she treats (uses) you, and your daughter would be much happier keeping away from grandma ranting and disrespecting HER mommy.

Oh, and just because she birthed you (31 years ago) doesn't entitle her to treat you like you are her property. You are an adult, and it is time to cut the umbilical cord..... Tell her you will no longer be available for her, that YOUR husband and child are your #1 priority now, not her. She will figure out how to guilt someone else into being her slave. I think it was Eleanor Roosevelt who said "No one can make you feel bad if you don't allow them to"... (or something like that).

Good luck! Hugs to you & yours.

 

[Sir Birdaholic]

Quote:
I agree. She has a car & a live in chauffer. Time to stay away from her for a while. It's her life, let her live it without you & your advise for a while.

 

[vfem]

Well thank you for all the replies. More then anything I needed to vent, and I can't go on and on with my husband... he hears it enough!

He agrees she has no right to talk to me like she does, the whole "I OWE HER" attitude is way too much... and she doesn't get to judge me as a parent. Especially since she is raising my sister's 2 boys for her, and paying for all their needs because my sister can't and won't. (Her oldest is 7 and she won't file for child support from the father because she doesn't want him to HATE her!?)

Anyways, I'm going to 'not' return her calls for awhile... maybe she really needs to see how important I am, and how she used me. I don't even think now she realizes she did. She's too scared to make my sister or dad do what she needs because she 'lives' with them, and I have no right to put her in a bad living situation. Besides... I don't live there... and yet again... I should "mind my own business".

I am seriously just sick of being treated like a child by a woman who is going senile. She's only 60 but with the diabeties and the million other issues she's going down hill. If my dad and sister can't keep up with her, and if they lose their home (which they almost did twice!) then I'm going to hand them over to the state to care for. They have nothing worth anyways, and I refuse to be a prisoner in my own home to people who've treated me bad for a lifetime.

The really messed up thing, is I know I'm not the only one dealing with this stuff! I can't believe it but my neighbor's mom generally went down the same path putting her through one crazy scenerio and arguement after another. Her husband couldn't care for her, and she treated her daughter so badly that her daughter left her to a state run facility. This woman basically ran her mother everywhere, and moved her twice with her own 2 hands and money. (She's raising 3 kids of her own, home schooling and running her own homebased business like I am.) And the woman acted as all this was OWED to her for raising her?!

Maybe way back, kids took care of their parents... but last I checked... kids were not having kids and family of their own at 30-35 and having to take care of their parents who are barely 60!? Since when is there total lack for finances and their health my issue?! I mean I am sick of this diabeties, McDonald heart attack, sugar and fat in everything generation screaming 'UNFAIR'. Its like smoking cigarettes... you know its not good or you, you do it anyways... then wait for someone else to come along and fix you and care for you before you're sick. No wonder health care is so outragous! I take care of myself and my family, and its not easy... I refuse to take on the responsibility of anyone who chose to live poorly and make other people pay for it.

Today I have a list a mile long to take care of because I lost 2 whole days this week trying to take care of her. I have customers, a daughter, a home and my in-laws driving up from South Carolina to visit on their way to Iowa. Then I have a yard sale tomorrow to prepare for, a BBQ on Sunday and I'm supposed to walk 1/2 mile tonight tomorrow and sunday.

Did I mention the damage to my garden the storms last night did, I have to go try to save 10+ tomato plants, pumpkins and cukes! ARGH!

Will this ever end.... can I ever get to bed before midnight? And sleep past 7am?!

 

[sourland]

Wow, toxic situation! Sounds like it is time for Mom to grow up. Basically people treat us how we allow them to. You are enabling your mother's selfish behavior. I understand she's your mother, but now your greatest responsibility is to yourself and your famijly. That's not being selfish. It's being sensible and mature. My mother was great, but I have an older sister who is a user and abuser. Her sense of entitlement does not allow her to see the needs of others. Shortly after I got married, she came to me "needing" another $500- my reply, "I am starting a family of my own. They are now my first priority. I suggest that you take responsibility for yourself." Mom died 4 years ago, and at that point I removed myself from any contact with this sister. I don't miss her a bit!

 

[cmjust0]

Quote:
Are you my sister!!?!??

Seriously...that sounds just like my mom. She's got this sense of entitlement to my life, like she owns me and has the right to direct me any way she likes. It's as if she feels like the natural way of things is that kids are born into a life of service to their mothers because...well, because that's just how it works between mothers and children.

That's NOT how it works, though. Not if you're sane.

FWIW, I haven't talked to my mom in two years, and it's made my life MUCH better.

If you choose to make the decision to walk away -- which I highly recommend

-- you should know that you'll have to walk through a little fire for it. People who should know better will try to get the two of you back on speaking terms, but you just gotta stick to your guns and keep moving forward. You can't let yourself feel bad about wanting to live.

Also keep in mind that it's not likely to be a "she'll see the light eventually" type of situation, so you can't walk away with the idea that it's really just some kind of threat or that you're teaching her a lesson...you gotta literally, actually, truly walk away. She'll treat it like it's just a threat or that you're trying to force her into a "come to Jesus" situation at first, and she'll probably just think of you as some kind of drama queen or whatever.......but she'll eventually come to the realization that you're simply gone.

She won't be sad, though...don't expect her to be sad, for you'll be sorely disappointed and extremely hurt. What she'll be is pissy and angry and spiteful, and she'll likely poison everyone she can against you, telling them all what a horrible person you are for abandoning your own mother. The dumb ones will agree with her, and that will hurt you terribly, because some of the people you really like will ultimately prove to be really, really dumb..

Gotta keep going, though...keep moving forward.

Most folks will realize that there's nothing that would keep them from their own kids, though, and they'll start to look at HER as the one that's a little cracked -- and that's when you'll know who your real friends and family are.

Like I said...it's not an easy road...but the sad reality is that you can't reason with crazy people, and you gotta do something or it's going to eat you up. Believe me -- I've been there.

So, just GO...LIVE YOUR LIFE!

 

[joebryant]

I never had a mother; we were too poor.

 

[Sonoran Silkies]

Quick question. Are you seeing changes in her thought processes? Or a personality change? Either can be a sign of illness or dementia.

In every relationship there are two people. You cannot change the other person, but you can change the relationship by changing yourself. If you do A and she reacts with B, change you own behavior to X. She will have to come with sometheng new instead of B.

Set clear boundaries: "Mom, I can take you to your 10 o'clock doctor's appointment, but I have to be home by noon." "No, sorry, I don't have time for lunch today. We'll have to do that another time." "Sorry Mom, no time for the store; I'm already running a bit late. Maybe Sis can take you later."

Find another babysitter; why would you want this woman unsupervised around your child?

 

[Rusty Hills Farm]

Yeah, I'm from the generation where kids took care of their parents. The difference was that ANY time they needed my help, I got a thank you! When they needed transportation, I got asked when would be convenient. When they could no longer take care of themselves and moved to the nursing home, I got thanked every single time I came, for every book I brought, every time I snuck in candy or a Big Mac (my dad adored them!). It was EASY to do for them because they were both sweet, wonderful people.

Sadly, your mom is TOXIC and your own daughter does NOT need to hear the vitriol she spews at you. It is frankly not good for your daughter to hear her mother attacked this way, and for that very reason, you NEED to distance yourself from this pathetic excuse for a parent.

JMO


Rusty