What is one to do with Mothers?

Discussion in 'Family Life - Stories, Pictures & Updates' started by vfem, Jul 29, 2010.

  1. vfem

    vfem Yoga...The Chicken Pose

    Aug 4, 2008
    Fuquay Varina, NC
    I personally am at wits end with mine. I have no idea on how to handle the situations she puts on me any longer.

    First, I am not a bad person. I am not the greatest thing since sliced bread either, I can only do so much as I am HUMAN. I do have patience, but not as much as I wish sometimes and I do say things I regret. Again, I'm only human.

    So long story short as this spans over YEARS. My mother had gotten laid off last year due to her medical issues, and rewarded some $ for not being let go for proper reasons. Not much mind you, just enough with her unemployment to get her through for a few month even though they did not give her unemployment or the reward until several months later. So we paid to have some things fixed and taken care of at their home. ( My mother lives with my father still who just went back to work about 2 months ago, she also has my little sister living there with her 2 sons) So my mother decided to cash out her IRA 6 months early, after I told her not to, and paid the penalties losing $20k of her retirement that wasn't much. I was told when the money was all gone in less then 2 months to mind my business.

    She was able to get cobra for her medical for the meantime, and she's got a LOT of medical problems including her eyes. I've taken her to a few surgeries in the last few months. For her eyes and other things. My sister's car broke down (which was my mom's car, but she gave it to my sister since my sister can't afford one and without getting into that, my sister is given EVERYTHING and pays nothing to live there), so now she is driving my mom's truck. However, my mother shouldn't be driving now, though she says after the surgery her eyes are wonderful. She was in an accident last year, and we're sad about what happened with that still, and I'm sure she is... but we don't talk about it, she takes that to church with her to deal with. I'm told to mind my own business...

    Soon you'll notice a pattern as to why everything I try to be involved in, is none of my business!

    So since the beginning of July I have taken her to 5 appointments, 2 minor surgeries and a follow up. I'm supposed to have taken her to 2 more appointments tomorrow. However, because no one ever seems to give her her car back, and my sister and dad don't ever feel like driving, after every appointment I have to stop at the grocery store so she can pick something up, or her bank, or a pharmacy, ect ect. I take her to an appointment at 10am and don't get home until 4pm in the afternoon. Today she left me and my daughter in the car in a parking lot with the car running for over 45 minutes. She wanted to stop at the grocery store and get some cheese to go home and make a sandwich, then there were TOO many good deals and she had to grab them up! So we're heading off home and I don't know why... I knew if I said something she'd flip, but I said it anyways. "You don't need to slam my truck, you could have shut it gently and not woken up my daughter!" and she flipped out! Goes into the whole how ungrateful I am and how she didn't know she woke her up and how rude I am. (A simple SORRY would have been fine, it was all I wanted.) She continues to yell, I yell back of course, let her know that I run her all over the place and I am allowed to annoyed. She says she'll go spend money she doesn't have buying another car for herself, and I tell her she should take her car back from the ungrateful daughter she has at home, and charge her rent or bills and maybe she'd have money for a taxi! Yeah, I know, I was mad! She pulled a $20 at and threw it at me, I told her to stop or I was pulling over and she could walk. My daughter is crying at this point. So I pulled over and made her get out on this endless country road.

    Now I got out after a minute while she was calling my dad to come get her, I attempted to apologize but she was still yelling at me about how she's 32 years older then me and I have no right to talk to her like whatever, and how she's my mother and I am do what I am doing without talking back. It was her earned right for raising me. That I needed to understand my sister's lousy position in life and butt out of that, understand my brother is younger then me and works part time, he doesn't have the money or time to run her around so that leaves me to take care of her. Basically I have helped her with so much without a thank you because she keeps shoving it in my face that I am SUPPOSED to be doing all this for her. I don't work she says, I have time, my husband makes the money. Well in fact I do work from home full time for little pay, but I have responsibilities! She belittles everything I do, and whenever I have a thought or a view on something she will tell me that I am WRONG and she knows because she's lived longer then me and seen more then me. She told me I'm 31, but act 15 and to her I will always be a child.

    My father made her get in the car with me, we didn't talk until we got back to her house, then I didn't say a thing. I just let her belittle me and tell me I needed mental help. That I needed to get over being right all the time. That I have no right to try to control her, that I should be helping her and thanking her. (This is the woman who had me pay rent at 16, and bought my own car, paid my own bills and walked to 2 part time jobs to do all this. Plus I put myself through college because she went into bankruptcy twice before I was 20!)

    She's been nasty, and my husband is sick of how she belittles my family. She rarely helps me out by babysitting because she's always SICK or has to watch my sister's kids because she takes off and dumps them every weekend to date random guys! I hate having to ask her for help and rarely do because she won't.

    I asked her to baby sit next week for 2 hours so I can take a meeting trying to start my small business. She agreed as of last Monday... but not now.

    Before I left her house, she said she knew something was wrong with me since I can't even take care of and raise 1 child properly... I just said "Good thing I'm not going to have anymore then huh? I'm pretty terrible and I feel bad how lousy my daughter's life is going end up."
    Last edited: Aug 3, 2010
  2. cassie

    cassie Crowing 9 Years

    Mar 19, 2009
    Your first duty is to yourself and your own family. You need to learn to say no and to distance yourself from her. Don't make her problems yours. She made them. She has the right to live with the consequences of her own bad decisions. BTW, she can't put you in a situation if you don't let her. Just make yourself unavailable.
  3. chicknduck

    chicknduck Songster

    May 21, 2010
    Quote:That is very good advice. I second that. [​IMG]
  4. redhen

    redhen Kiss My Grits... Premium Member

    May 19, 2008
    Western MA
    Wow... nasty times. [​IMG]
    Listen..if it were me.. i'd leave it alone... and not bother with her. Let her call you if she wants to talk and act civil...
  5. Xodrana

    Xodrana In the Brooder

    Apr 17, 2010
    You left the motor running for 45 minutes while she did a bunch of shopping. humm, interesting. Stop doing anything for her. When she asks you to take her somewhere tell her to have your sister take her since she has your moms car and a free ride sponging off your parents. Remind her that she charged you rent when you were 16 and she was legaly bound to house you till you graduated school. Remind her how badly she treated you when you were younger compared to what she does for your sister now. tell her you don't have time to do whatever she wants because you have a business to run. when she becomes abusive towards you tell her you will not allow yourself to be abused any longer and hang up on her. You do not owe her anything for giving birth to you. I would never guilt trip my kids like that. I am thankful for anything they do for me. I have a bunch of severe medical problems but manage to get myself to appointments and go shopping without much help from my surviving son who is now 39 years old. He absoutely does not owe me anything because I gave birth to him. This is a 68 year old grandma talking to you . I hope you can get some idea on how to handle your situation. God bless you honey please start taking care of yourself.
  6. mangled

    mangled Songster

    My mother is similarly saddled with a long list of medical problems and gets disability because of it. She cannot drive, and I'm the one that has to run her everywhere, BUT ... my mom calls and asks me for my schedule so she can schedule her appointments around my needs. She offers gas money, and if she does need to stop at the store, I have to go in with her to help, and she always picks up a gallon of milk, loaf of bread, etc., for me whether I want her to or not.

    I usually don't take the gas money, because I know her money is tight, BUT IT'S ALWAYS OFFERED.

    Your mom is using you, and it's not right. I cannot imagine using anyone that way, let alone my own children.

    I would make myself unavailable. If she can't be there for you, you can't be there for her. It's a hard thing to face down, but you have your own life and your own responsibilities.

    Tell her she's made her own bed and can lie in it. Mom or not, she has no right to treat you that way.

  7. sonew123

    sonew123 Poultry Snuggie

    Mar 16, 2009
    onchiota NY
    aww hnny Im sorry that just bites bullets!!! [​IMG] [​IMG] [​IMG] [​IMG] [​IMG] [​IMG] [​IMG] [​IMG] [​IMG] I bet you feel a little better venting though? [​IMG] [​IMG] [​IMG]
  8. anbhean

    anbhean Chirping

    Jun 3, 2010
    I have to agree, with the above post... trying to guilt you into being her taxi and grocery go getter because she decided to have a child is about as immature and manipulative as it gets. Your birth does not mean she is entitled to a punching bag her whole life and it's outrageous that she even had the balls to say something like that! Honestly, were I in your position, I'd tell her to get her other children to help out, you're busy. I wouldn't bring up old wounds and I certainly wouldn't let her berate you. Just let her know that you have priorities to your own family and well being and therefor can no longer be at her beck and call, especially considering her ingratitude about it and leave it at that.

    I wish I could say I can't believe a mom could be such a pain in the you know what, but my Grandmother treated my mother like that for years. So sadly, I've seen it before. It's no fun, I'm sorry you are going through it!
  9. turney31

    turney31 Songster

    Sep 14, 2008
    palestine texas
    It is ok to put toxic people out of your life. Even mothers!
  10. WingingIt

    WingingIt Songster

    Apr 16, 2009
    Sorry to be blunt, but it's time to cut those strings. You owe her nothing for being born and you sure as heck don't owe her ANY amount of lying down while she walks all over and belittles you. Someone does need some counseling, but it's not you from where I'm sitting.

    You're going to have to be very blunt and consistent.

    If she calls and starts acting up "Mom, I don't deserve to be spoken to this way. Goodbye." Hang up.
    If she asks for your opinion, tell her that she knows you well enough to know what it will be and you're not going to offer it just to be berated again.
    Don't ask her for any favors because you can't depend on her and that just leaves you stuck and her gloating (again) about how you can't manage without her.

    In other words, if she can't be at least civil, cut her out of your life until she either she changes or gets bored and picks on someone else (and she will) because you won't rise to the bait any longer.

    You deserve better.

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