What is one to do with Mothers?

[sourland]

There is a great difference between taking care of your parents and being taken advantage of by someone who happens to be a parent. Any loving child willingly takes care of a parent in need. No one needs to allow themselves to be taken advantage of by a person who also happens to be a parent. Significant difference. I know that my children would willingly take care of my wife and I if necessaary. Hopefully that need will never arise. Mom was basically self sufficient until she died at 97 and still mentally sharp.

 

[vfem]

Quote:

As for the parents being Thankful and respectful of my time... most of this nastiness just pours out of her most likely because of my sister. She's plugs it all up until I do something to piss her off, because she doesn't have to live we me, I get it!

However, I do think a lot of it has to do with her illness, she is forgetful and does not sleep at night... she gambles and calls it a pass time/hobby. I can not have an opinion on things yet I can't stop myself from making my thoughts known... even if I wait for them to bring up the subject, then I say my piece, and I'm the bad guy!

I'm not answering her calls right now... and its hard.

 

[Elite Silkies]

I'm so sorry that your going through this.

My father is Toxic, and I haven't spoken to him in 4 months now. But, I am fortunate to have a wonderful mother. If she ever talked down to me it would just rip my heart out.

My mother doesn't say the words thank you, but the hug and kiss say alot more.

I do hope that you can work things out with your mother, and she really needs to see how important you are. I would make myself unavailable, until she can learn to appreciate you.

 

[Sonoran Silkies]

Quote:

As for the parents being Thankful and respectful of my time... most of this nastiness just pours out of her most likely because of my sister. She's plugs it all up until I do something to piss her off, because she doesn't have to live we me, I get it!

However, I do think a lot of it has to do with her illness, she is forgetful and does not sleep at night... she gambles and calls it a pass time/hobby. I can not have an opinion on things yet I can't stop myself from making my thoughts known... even if I wait for them to bring up the subject, then I say my piece, and I'm the bad guy!

I'm not answering her calls right now... and its hard.

Try to cut her slack for things that are obviously illness related. If she truly has a gambling addiction, that too is an illness, and needs to be addressed in some way. I know that there is a Gambler's Anonymous; not sure if they have organizations like Alanon for the people close to an addict. If so, that might be a good resource for you.

Come up with (and practice, so they are ready at the top of your head) some phrases like "Mom, this is something we don't agree on, so let's not even discuss it as we will both become upset." or "Mom, I don't want to discuss this now. You know how I feel; I know how you feel, and that is enough." Obviously, you need to use your own words and thoughts to have ready at hand.

 

[cmjust0]

Quote:
No offense, but...well, judging by the many suggestions similar to the above, it's clear that many of you have never lived with crazy people.

Here's the thing: YOU CAN'T REASON WITH CRAZY.

Think about the things her mom's said to her....that she can't raise her child...that she's mentally defective...that she's a horrible, terrible person...and now imagine looking at that person and saying "Mom, this is something we don't agree on, so let's not even discuss it as we will both become upset."

Does anybody reeeeeeeeeally think ol' mom's just gonna go "Oh, you're right dear. More tea?"

NOT GONNA HAPPEN.

The OP's mom won't tolerate any such statement without a fight because it takes her out of control.. So far as the OP's mom would be concerned, this is just more backtalk from an uppity, ungrateful, holier-than-thou daughter. The OP is expected to take abuse whenever and for however long the OP's mom decides is sufficient because -- as mentioned earlier -- in the OP's mom's mind, she owns the OP lock, stock, and barrel.

I've lived through some of this.. There's no reasoning to be done here. The OP's mom isn't going to see the light...ever. If the OP leaves, the OP's mom will go to her grave believing that the OP is a terrible daughter who abandonded her own mother.

The OP just needs to get zen with that, split, and everything will be fine. Obviously...much easier said than done -- but I'm proof that it's possible.

 

[vfem]

Quote:
No offense, but...well, judging by the many suggestions similar to the above, it's clear that many of you have never lived with crazy people.

Here's the thing: YOU CAN'T REASON WITH CRAZY.



The OP's mom won't tolerate any such statement without a fight because it takes her out of control...

This statement is the truth! She has a gambling problem because she refuses to admit she does not have CONTROL over the situation. I can't NOT use the word gamble or say, maybe you shouldn't be out doing the spinning slots... she automatically goes nuts yelling at me and the "MIND YOUR BUSINESS" thing comes in. She spends when she's depressed, but she believes being depressed is a made up thing, and she's just sick.

I have to agree, though some things are illness related, ...but really, the woman is just plain CRAZY.

 

[Sonoran Silkies]

Quote:
No offense, but...well, judging by the many suggestions similar to the above, it's clear that many of you have never lived with crazy people.

Here's the thing: YOU CAN'T REASON WITH CRAZY.



The OP's mom won't tolerate any such statement without a fight because it takes her out of control...

This statement is the truth! She has a gambling problem because she refuses to admit she does not have CONTROL over the situation. I can't NOT use the word gamble or say, maybe you shouldn't be out doing the spinning slots... she automatically goes nuts yelling at me and the "MIND YOUR BUSINESS" thing comes in. She spends when she's depressed, but she believes being depressed is a made up thing, and she's just sick.

I have to agree, though some things are illness related, ...but really, the woman is just plain CRAZY.

OK, I agree you can't reason with crazy; so don't try to reason. Simply say something to the effect to "I'm not going to talk about that" and change the subject. And do it over and over and over, as necessary. DON'T talk about gambling; period. Or do an intervention. But nothing in between.

Mom is, at least to an extent, correct, it IS only her own business, and as long as she is not hurting others, she is allowed to act stupidly. Obviously though, she IS hurting others; the OP as her daughter and whipping post is hurting; the other daugter and husband may be hurting; the grandchildren may be hurting. Finances and transportation are obviously issues. If Vfem wishes to cut her mother out of her life, fine. That is up to her. But I did not get the impression that that is what she really wants. If she did, she probably would have already done that.

My intent was to suggest some coping strategies to help Vfem stay in control of herself and her interactions with her mother.

 

[debilorrah]

Vfem, I soooo totally feel your pain. I am pushing 49 years old, and just last October I had enough with my mother. We still talk, but she doesn't DARE question my decisions, what I am doing, or how I spend money.

My son is applying for FAFSA loans, and this mother of mine LIED on the forms and said she raised him and I had no financial input. EXCUSE ME!! I raised him alone!!!

When I refused to let her have my tax returns, where I claimed HER and him, he had a melt and told me how I was ruining my sons life. More to the point. I DID ruin his life. So he has to pay for college because I make too much. BIG DEAL! At least her butt didn;t go to jail for lying on federal forms.

So... now we talk, but nothing heavy. She starts, I leave.

 

[sianara]

Quote:
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
Eleanor Roosevelt

This is one of my favorite quotes

 

[sianara]

Here's the thing: YOU CAN'T REASON WITH CRAZY.

I've lived through some of this.. There's no reasoning to be done here. The OP's mom isn't going to see the light...ever. If the OP leaves, the OP's mom will go to her grave believing that the OP is a terrible daughter who abandonded her own mother.

The OP just needs to get zen with that, split, and everything will be fine. Obviously...much easier said than done -- but I'm proof that it's possible.

Ditto! Sad but true...​