What to do about a close relative who invites themselves over?

[Germaine_11.20]

Quote:
There is not much reasoning there. She is obese so she rarely moves and there is no delegating. I have asked a few times for her to bring a relish tray, well she comes over with all the fixings and takes up the whole table to make it at my place because she has no place that is clean at her place to do it. Needless to say I ask for cranberries now. She can manage that.
The DH and I are planning on going to the movies Christmas Day just to make that "point" I know that there will be trouble over that too, and am not sure whether to tell her now and invite her to come (gets her out of there) or spring it on her.
You are right about the change in status. Believe me it used to be worse (she is 11 years older) we have gone over a year not speaking because she got angry over a very small thing. She is very unreasonable if she decides she wants to be. I have always been the peacemaker and am sick of it.

 

[journey11]

Quote:
Call her and remind her that Christmas dinner is on Christmas Eve this year at 6:00 p.m. (or whatever time). You wanted to make sure she knew that it was changed from Christmas Day to Christmas Eve, since at Thanksgiving you weren't sure whether or not she understood that. If she wants to insist on having dinner on Christmas Day, ask her what time you all should plan to arrive at her house for the event, and is it okay if you bring deviled eggs...?

I liked this response above.

I have a lot of trouble with my grandmother on my dad's side. She was never interested in us as kids because she was all jet set, but now that my sister and I both have our little daughters, grandma has popped up with a sudden interest to see us EVERY holiday. I think maybe she has some regrets I dunno. But aside from all that, the problem I have with my grandma is similar to yours with your sister in that my grandma is a very UNPLEASANT person to be around. She is very "keeping up with the Joneses" and sideways insults my husband, me and my rural way of life all the time. If you have a fault, she'll be sure to point it out. She is completely LOADED but gives the most tacky and unthoughtful Christmas presents ever (last year she gave me used, stained bathtowels). I have come to the conclusion that she is simply not all there or just otherwise lacking the mental faculties that prevent everything you think from coming straight out the mouth. My visits with her have always been miserable and dreaded, and now she insists on visiting more often, so I have really had to reflect on the situation and try to decide how I can best come out of it with my sanity and self-respect in tact!

A couple things I have found that help:

1. Be direct, be honest and don't lie or make excuses in order to get out of things.
2. Be kind, but don't get runover. Sometimes a certain "look" is all that is needed to communicate the unacceptableness of someone's behaviour. Sometimes you have to say something, but pause and breathe first--try not to inflame the situation further.
3. Make your needs and requirements KNOWN, and let the chips fall where they may.
4. Don't get all emotionally worked up, particularly not ahead of time. If you let yourself be taken in by it, YOU will be the one to spoil your enjoyment of the holiday.
5. Let it all in one ear and out the other. Realize that being crazy is HER problem. Don't let her make you crazy too.

Nothing like the holidays to highlight familial dysfunction! There's one in every family, that's for sure. For the sake of all involved, sometimes you just gotta push through it and find a way to get along. Hopefully you can get a good laugh out of her ridiculousness once she's left your home and is out of your hair! Hope this helps a little and that you have a blessed Christmas in spite of her!

 

[Germaine_11.20]

I really appreciate all your help everybody cause all I want to do right now is cry.

 

[debilorrah]

Quote:
There is not much reasoning there. She is obese so she rarely moves and there is no delegating. I have asked a few times for her to bring a relish tray, well she comes over with all the fixings and takes up the whole table to make it at my place because she has no place that is clean at her place to do it. Needless to say I ask for cranberries now. She can manage that.
The DH and I are planning on going to the movies Christmas Day just to make that "point" I know that there will be trouble over that too, and am not sure whether to tell her now and invite her to come (gets her out of there) or spring it on her.
You are right about the change in status. Believe me it used to be worse (she is 11 years older) we have gone over a year not speaking because she got angry over a very small thing. She is very unreasonable if she decides she wants to be. I have always been the peacemaker and am sick of it.

I am obese too and I can move around quite fine. She is using that as an excuse if you ask me. The holidays should not be frustrating like this over family. I leave my mother out because all she does is complain the whole time (more to it than that, but you get the picture). I told her why too, and she is still in a snit. Oh well. WE are gonna have a nice holiday.

 

[danielle82]

It sounds like a horribly frustrating situation! I'm sure its worse with her being your sister and that you love her and all that...

I have no idea what I would, as I've never been put in that situation, But I seem to lean towards Marlinchaser and surprising womans take

 

[Camelot Farms]

You cannot rationally deal with an irrational person.... on that note: Enjoy the movies. Let her enjoy the plate of leftovers from Christmas Eve dinner.

 

[Marlinchaser]

Quote:
I guess I will scratch the stop at your house off my list.

 

[Buugette]

She has no right to dictate when YOU have Christmas Dinner. Christmas Eve or nothing!

I have a similar situation with my sister-in-law. Every other Thanksgiving I get stuck with her. My in-laws live near and always spend the holidays with us. This is fine. SIL and family drive in from Illinois and every other year has dinner with us or her hubby's parents. Never does she have the dinner, never does she offer to help out, never does she even stop and buy a pie to bring with her. Never does she lift a finger to help clean up. It is her, her hubby, and their 3 very picky kids. Every year I make finger foods for lunch, veggies and dip, hot finger foods, cheese and crackers, etc... EVERY YEAR... they all know this. The last year I had them here for dinner, my in-laws showed up on time, but my SIL and family didn't show up till 10 minutes before Thanksgiving Dinner was being served. They went out to lunch... I went to a lot of trouble to make extra everything (they have hefty appetites) and for nothing. All they had to do was tell me... she couldn't be bothered. BUT THEY SURE ATE MY THANKSGIVING TURKEY!

I fixed it... every other year, when it is my year to have them... I make reservations! (and I'm not kidding)

D

 

[debilorrah]

Quote:
I guess I will scratch the stop at your house off my list.

 

[Germaine_11.20]

Sometimes you just can't think straight when you know what is coming. You can only "feel" that is why I asked for help, and I truly appreciate all the advice.
I am going to read and re read and figure out what to do. Thank you.