What to do? if anything.

[chickened]

He did ask her before he asked the old guy. One thing did happen earlier the old guy would leave his Mustang at the house for "them" to drive and after about a month of using it the old guy put restrictions and conditions on its use.

So far I have just asked him if he is OK and that is it. I want him to be happy and while I would not be in that situation he may. In all fairness I should say my brother has dropped the ball in some areas but the strenght in any marriage lies in the bond at the center and that bond is being tested.
Quote:

Quite frankly, it sounded like she was not even present during that conversation, therefore, how could she have defended her husband?

edited to add: I am not saying that what is going on is right. THere is too much unknown to form all the certain opinions that have been expressed, It could be any of many things. I will agree with those who have said to support your brother if he needs and asks, but to stay out of it.

 

[zzGypsy]

I have WHAT in my yard? :

This is really none of your business. Support your niece and nephew in realizing that this is between the three adults and despite the fact their decisions and how well or poorly they handle this will effect the kids, the kids need to be reminded that this is not their issue. Otherwise they will think they SHOULD be able to "fix" it and they can't. They'll think it is their fault and it is not.

Brother needs to get straight with wife that regardless of what they are doing he "feels" like she is cheating on him emotionally and he is not willing to sell their marriage in exchange for goodies. Then he needs to figure out what she is getting out of this and can he give it to her.... Does he even want to? You can support him in deciding. You can support him in dealing with the consequences. You can't fix this and you shouldn't try.

x2 on all of this.
I'd say it's not your business to say anything to the SIL's friend or the SIL. support your brother, being there as a sounding board to help him get clear on what he wants to do is good. being there to support your neice and nephew is good, they're still children and could use a wiser adviser.

if your brother's accepting gifts, he's made a trade... security of his relationship for expensive goods. if he wants to change that choice, ok. if it were me, I think I'd have to:
1) start by returning all the gifts
2) have a conversation with the friend when returning the gifts, saying I appreciate your generosity, however I find it's interfering with my marriage. my marriage is more valuable to me than these goods, and I'm asking you to respect that by (specific behavior I want to stop, or things I want him to do, like always include me.)
3) have a conversation with the SO where I am clear about how I see the friendship damaging our relationship, and my fears, and owning my participation in it conversation needs to include asking what the SO is getting in that relationship that should be happening with me (affection, fun, etc.)
4) fix the things my SO complains about and provide those things that they're not getting (if possible)
5) get a marriage therapist and go, with or without the SO
6) keep the kids out of it as much as possible. provide support for their anxiety, distress but do not involve them in the intimate details, decisions and discussions.

anyway, the relationship is your brother's, and the choices are his, and there are many things within his marriage that you aren't privy to. besides, you having a word with anyone but your brother won't change anything anyway, so stay out of it.​

 

[zzGypsy]

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How did she ALLOW it? People are not responsible for what OTHERS say or do. Did he disrespect her husband? Yes. Is it SIL's fault? No.

maybe not fault, but if she tollerated it and didn't step to her husband's side and ask the friend to respect her husband and her marriage, that speaks volumes.

 

[chicmom]

The best thing to do is just stay out of it. If your brother directly asks you "What should I do?" then you can talk to him about it and let him know what you feel is the right way to go about it. Trying to intervene usually gets you into trouble every time.

I personally wouldn't put up with that for a second. I would have nipped that in the bud right off the bat.

 

[watchdogps]

If you do say anything to anyone, it should be the SIL, not the old fart. Her marriage isnt his responsibility. Granted, one would hope another person would have enough respect for others NOT to get involved with a married person, but some don't and it's not like she isnt going along with it. She's more in the wrong here than anyone.