What to do with this child? I give up...update on 4...ugh!

[Oven Ready]

OK, perhaps I'm misreading this (done that once already on this topic) but isn't this just the kind of thing you'd expect your boy to say...

If he contacts her...great, if not...well thats fine too. Its no skin off my nose and no money out of my pocket.

That's the sort of 'go with the flow' you are complaining about but you exhibit the same characteristics.
I totally understand your need to see your boy looking forward, seeing where he wants to go and figuring out what it is he has to do to get where he wants to go but sometimes people need pushed and to coin a phrase 'gettng your foot in the door is the first step'. Maybe you do need to lose some skin from your nose and put your foot in the door for him.

BTW - Are you of Scottish or Irish descendants? No skin off my nose, or "Nae skin aff ma nose" is (or at least was) peculiarly Scottish or Irish.​

 

[turney31]

OH MY GOODNESS , He sounds just like my oldest son. Except mine had no desire for college. My son didn't want to learn to drive, I gently forced him to. Would not go out on the town unless I put money in his hand and unplugged the tv and told him he was not allowed home before 11:00 pm. His only 2 dates were his junior and senior proms. His senior prom he took both foreign exchange students. (they were gorgeous). After graduation he expressed an interest in National Parks. Without college that was out so we looked into working in Maintinence Dept. for the park system. He was handy in that area. He applied at Grand Canyon National Park and was hired. He has been working in Arizona ever since. They provide housing at a greatly reduced price and the pay was enough to live and play. He meets people from all over the world. His back yard is the Grand Canyon and he is happy as a tick on a hound dogs back. His job has not faltered in this economy. I absolutley could not be more proud! He has found his niche in this world.

Micah

 

[Sir Birdaholic]

20 years old!

Stick a cattle prod to the lazy ones butt!

 

[redhen]

Quote:
This...
he needs a reality check... and you need to give it to him.
If you keep doing things for him..thats the WORST thing that you can do at this point. He has the "why should i worry, mom will always remind me and help me attitude"..
Let him fall on his face.... and stop supporting him. That will make a person grow up real quick.
Explain to him there will be new rules... You are NOT going to remind him to do things anymore... you are NOT going to tell him twice to get a chore done (hes 20 years old! He should not even have to be told to do chores at all..he should just know to DO them at this point...)... you will NOT remind him of school appts and class schedules... .. nothing... and if he still keeps the lazy attitude.. he will have to find another place to live. Hes not a young child..he HAS to be responsible for his own things at this point in his life...
How will he ever make it in the real world if he cant do it now? The worst thing you can do is keep doing things for this kid... Its time to show him there WILL be consequences for his lacksdasial (sp?) way of living... and that you wont tolerate in anymore in your house. period.

ETA: I also just wanted to say that you're a good mommy

... because you know in your gut that he needs to get motivated for his own good.

 

[twentynine]

Gee I don't have any fine super duper answers. Wish I did.

Frustrating isn't it. I had pretty much the same deal with my middle child.
It got to the point where I had to just give up, let the chips fall where they might.

Never did come up with any answer.

I am like the OP, I don't whine about problems, I get off my butt, and do something. It might be the wrong thing, but I'm working, I'm busy, I'm making an effort.

 

[HeatherLynn]

Ok my son is not 20, or even close to 20 but I have a 34 year old husband who is the same. If its something that interests him he will find his motivation, until then you will have to push, pull, yell and maybe even cattle prod him along. My husband was content to work the same job he got when he was 16 until we married. I married him and swiftly went into hyper motivation mode. You gotta offer the cookie to get them to do anything. This isn't all guys so I am not male bashing. I love my honey and he is a good man, and honestly ended up with an awesome work ethic, but you gotta point them in the right direction and give a good shove.

My son is practically my husband twin so I am already on this path with him even though he is just 10. I am starting early. I always tell him he needs to marry a very competent, patient woman. He just smiles at me and tries to walk on like he is all cool until he runs into the wall. Just keep on your boys bum. Bribery also works. I had to bribe a 30 year old man with big boy toys to get him to finish one of his computer classes. Drove me nuts. Good luck

 

[redhen]

I dont really think there is an answer either...
All you can do is tell him what you expect from him from now on..(and mean it..)
and if he dosent want to make that effort... then you have to stop supporting him...and let him find his own way in the world.

 

[Slinkytoys]

Yup, there's an answer. He's 20, old enough to have a place of his own. OUT, out, out. Tell him you love him and kick him out. Funny how they can find a job and get a life when they have to feed, clothe and house themselves. My brother was enabled by family members for years. It wasn't until everybody died that he started a towing business and now supports himself. Amazing! He could have done this years earlier, but it was easier to have everything given and done for him.

If you love him, try tough love. It works.
Slinky

 

[Camelot Farms]

Thanks Red for the 'Good Mommy'

I really dont enable him, I just sit here and get aggravated when he blows it. I could have asked him if he knew where he was going, did he have his paperwork etc...but I dont. One day he had to make 3 trips to the college to get his stuff done there cause he kept forgetting parts of it.

He uses his money for extras...his cell phone, gas money for the vehicle etc. I buy groceries and thats about it. He does his own laundry and participates in the chore system below...

Our chore system is a bit different. Everyone has their own 'standard' chores that get done every day. Then everyday each one of the kids is assigned an area. They must find 5 things in that area that need doing and then then put them on the list rather than me telling them what to do. So today 9yr old DD had the patio. She picked up some garden tools that I had left on the table

, swept the chicken feathers up, watered the plants on the table etc. Then there is a list on the fridge of things to be done that day which is where 'weird' things go. Yesterday list had take weeds that I pulled to the compost bin (thats the half done chore from the earlier post) and pick up broken limb from storm and dispose.

This saves me a whole lot of telling them what to do and gets them to see outside of the box for chores. We have a 900 sq ft cottage. So finding 5 things to do in the living room can be a challenge so after the 1st time or two they exhausted all of the 'easy' chores and had to look deeper to cleaning under the couch cushions or washing windows etc.

I guess that I just really want him to be a type A personality rather than a type Z....lol. He does great out there at work, people who meet him really enjoy him when he opens up to them. Maybe because I am a type A, it kills me to see him make 3 trips to do something that should have taken 1. I am seeing all of the time wasted and envisioning the other fun things he could have been doing instead.

This parent stuff is tough stuff...lol.

 

[redhen]

You're doing all that you can do...

The rest will have to be up to him...