What to do with this child? I give up...update on 4...ugh!

[cassie]

You can't fix him. He has to do it himself. Either he will or he won't. Just don't make his problems yours. Doing so won't help him and will make your life hell.

 

[Three Cedars Silkies]

Do you think your son is clinically depressed? I only ask because for some folks, this is how depression affects them. If not, then...

perhaps you should give him a timetable by which he needs to be out of your house and on his own. If he is 20, why isn't he already out of community college by now? Is he even interested in college...or are you motivating him in that direction because you know it's the best for him? If he isn't truly interested, he will probably never change his attitude toward it.

I told my DD that our expectation was that she either be in college or have a full time job. I also let her know that as long as she was in college she could live at home but if she chose to work instead, she would need to have her own place within 3 months. I explained how much we loved her and that....as hard as it was...it was in her best interest for us to set some rules. Fortunately for us, she was highly motivated to be in school and she has been an exemplary daughter, student, soldier and now fiance.

If he isn't in school full time, he should have a full time job and be out on his own.....period. Geez, when we were kids we couldn't wait to be out on our own and most of us were by the time we were 18 or 19. I worked full time, went to nursing school full time and had my own place by the time I was 19.

I don't think your son is an exception, honestly. I think more and more kids are like this today.

 

[SillyChicken]

first he'd be paying out of pocket for the class he could have skipped... yah gotta let them fall flat on their faces a few times... especially now that he's an "adult".

If you do too much for him, or take over if he procrastinates, or keep hounding him on what he needs to do... you're just enabeling him. Too much help makes them ....... well, helpless.

 

[pbjmaker]

Quote:
That is how it is here, either be in school and live here for free or work full time. We do give our children the choice of paying us rent or finding their own place. So far my oldest moved out and loves it. My 18 year old has until September 1st to make the choice. He does work but is putting off school. He wants to go to Art college and can't afford it (neither can we). We also let him fail in high school so he does not have the GPA to get into most colleges - he is regretting his errors. At least our youngest is taking a cue and is working her butt off to do well in school.

Oh and our kids are only going to get one free pass to move back home. We decided we are not going to have a revolving door (barring a medical emergency or something)

 

[Camelot Farms]

DS informs me last Thursday that he is moving back to NY.

Q: Do you have a job lined up?
A: I'm working on it

Q: Where will you be staying?
A: I'm checking with some people

Q: Do you have any money saved up?
A: A few dollars

Q: Have you lost your ever loving mind?
A: Stone cold stare


And here is the kicker...ready for it?
He wanted to hitch a ride with me when I go up on a whirlwind trip next week to see my Grandmother since I could not get home for Grandpa's funeral last week.
DH said absolutely not. Honestly, I couldnt take the stress of knowing that I was driving him up there so he could make the biggest mistake of his life (to date anyways)
So, DH bought him an $80 bus ticket that he will be working off by mowing grandma's lawn once a week for the rest of the mowing season.

I told him today that he better find something to put his clothes in cause he isnt taking my luggage. And DH told him that we let him come home once. It is no longer an option.

The boy was 30 days from health insurance, college and a car. He's walking away from all of it...I told him that I would leave his cell phone on for 30 days then after that he has to send me the 40$ a month to keep it on. And by February he needs his own contract with a provider.

I alternate between wanting to cry and wanting to rip his head off. Thus far, I have done neither but there is still time...

 

[PurpleChicken]

You are powerless over him. He's 20. The more you try the more you hold him back. Let him go let life beat reality into him. For many of us it's what we needed.

For the record most men don't even begin to grow up until 30 these days.

 

[Boyd]

Quote:
we're a case in point eh PC

 

[helloroe]

My mother has four children, all raised same home, same standards, and could not be any more different people. We all came through life differently once we got to age. One left home early, age 15, and fought to climb ladders, put herself through community college while raising a child alone, becoming the HR Director at a company of 400, only to find 20 years later a farm and being a stay at home wife made her the happiest. (Yes me) All three sons left and went military because we were raised in Maine it was either work at the mill or join the military to leave. One stayed 12 years enjoyed working nuculear subs to come out get his masters in business and is now raising alpacas on a farm. Second boy did 2 years of military before being kicked out and traveling the country hitchhiking to become the happiest auto mechanic you have seen and worked on his artwork. Third did 8 years military to realize he could do the same job on the outside of more money for the military. He now works writing contracts for buisnesses that deal with the military and teaching other companies that do and has almost completed his PHd.

Our mother says watching us all do our thing, our way, was the hardest thing she could do. Many nights of worrying, crying, and praying but now when she sees us all she is proud. We all have different ways of getting here but we have all achieved the same thing, happiness with ourselves and our lives. A wonderful gift our mom gave us was allowing us to get here our way knowing that there was not one answer that fit us all.

By the way I am the firecracker up my butt and high achiever. My daughter is the will do it 15 minutes before it needs to be done. I understand the frustrastion while watching a child be this way. She is 16 and I believe we will both survive these years.

 

[Three Cedars Silkies]

This is the hardest part of parenting IMO. You've given him roots...now it's time to give him wings. He will figure it out. Just let him know how much you love him...no matter what...and he will go with the confidence of knowing his parents love him more than anything. Loving them doesn't mean supporting bad habits. He leave knowing the groundrules....

to you....

 

[WingingIt]

I think you did the best thing by telling him he has to work off the ticket and setting expectations and deadlines on his phone, etc. It'll make him think about it and plan and if not, then he loses them. Either way, he learns. You're doing fine.