What would you do in this situation?

[Sonoran Silkies]

mom'sfolly :

I think you have to be rude and confrontational in this situation. Polite and nice are just going to get you more of the same. Unfortunately, this could escalate. A forceful, "I'm not interested, please leave me alone", might help. Every time he bumps or touches you, say clearly, and loudly "don't touch me". I would also approach the professor of this class and the lab proctor. Tell them that this guy is making you uncomfortable, won't leave you alone, and won't take no for an answer. They will have to respond, as what he is doing has crossed the line to harassment. They can help you, and should help you.

Don't smile, don't say hello, walk away when he approaches and if he touches you, go with the bloody stump comment. Say "no" frequently, forcefully and without any other interpretation. No, leave me alone, I'm not interested, don't touch me, repeated as neccesary. If it continues, report it to someone.

You have already told him you are not interested. Tell the class and lab teachers, and ask that they change HIS seat; you should not be penalized for his behavior. Report his behavior to the campus police--he may have a record of stalking others. He may not, but better to be safe. Return the chocolates and once again tell him that you are not interested. Most guys will accept "no" if clearly stated (too many girls tend to "let them off gently," so gently that they don't receive the message. You have already made yourself clear, and it was ignored. At this point is IS stalking/harrassment.​

 

[Emzyyy]

Get a guy friend to walk with you to class or wait by the door. Might scare him off if you have a guy who you obviously are a lot closer to.

 

[Tala]

Quote:
Seems I remember butting heads with Redhen in the past, but I really liked this.
Some people just don't get "subtle" (I have a dog like this) and that's why they just don't mesh well with the rest of society. On the opposite end of the spectrum there are those who are over-obsessed with every little subtle detail (my other dog...) and they also have a hard time.
Sometimes those "normal" people just don't know how well-off they are!


Be blunt to him. MAKE him understand. That way there's no confusion. If he continues after you've made yourself clear, call the police. You might need a really long paper trail if this thing goes south.

 

[Sammimom]

BIG time creepy. Remember, for all the attention he is showing you when you are around, consider how much he is thinking about you when you aren't around! I would be blunt and rude with him also, and tell him he needs to start looking for dates on a social site, or something, because you are not interested! And I would definitely put your safety first, how do you KNOW he doesn't know where you live?

 

[maplesky7]

Ok,
First of all it is not your fault BUT you must stop the idle chit chat with this guy. You've already expressed enough here that says, "You don't want to be rude, you've talked to him over the couple of years, he has your phone number (change it), you know enough about him that signals multiple conversations with him." And again... it is not your fault. I have too been here several times.

Redhen mentioned "socially awkward" people. I will further say that my nephew is a high functioning young man with Asperger's---autism. He always has trouble with making friends because of his behavior but it is really nothing he can help. He does have friends and he has even made a girlfriend who he's been with almost a year now. So there is life for people with Aspergers. Many times it can go undiagnosed.

At any rate, this young man has not been able to comprehend in his mind the things you say or do are confusing to him so he just has not taken the hint to leave you alone.

Being blunt is what has to happen for there to be a change. If I were in your shoes I would first notify your professor and tell him the situation and say this guy is "harassing" you and it is "interfering with your studies," and you need "help." Perhaps what can happen is... you both could be pulled into his office or an empty room and the professor can tell this guy that he has been made aware of a situation that is negatively impacting a student of his and he will have to report any further harassment that is reported to him to campus police. And then you can say to this guy, "Look, I don't like you, I don't want to talk to you, I came here for my studies and I expect you to leave me alone. Don't touch me, don't talk to me, don't sit by me, just leave me alone." And then your professor can ask him if what you both are saying to him is made clear and understood. And have your professor explain the situation to the lab attendants so they can be made aware of the harassment.

Anything after that is reported to your teacher and the lab attendants and the campus police will have to get involved.


I have a friend who has a friend who is socially awkward and he is transfixed on one girl and my friend keeps telling him to leave her alone because it's evident that he's creeped her out and she doesn't like him but he still persists. This has gone on and on. It's apparent that he has a mental issue to where he can't accept this. He keeps thinking he should call this person and explain himself but the damage has been done and the more he thinks he needs to contact her... the more "stalkerish" the whole situation becomes. And he dwells on it and her.

So if this guy buys you anything or tries to hand you a note... don't take it. Drop it on the floor on the table, whatever. But do not look at it or take it. And walk away from what ever it is laying on the floor or table. And report it.

The only one who is responsible for you is YOU. You must guard yourself and take necessary precautions because even if this guy is "harmless" the next guy might not be. Grow a spine right NOW. Your future and your "future family" if you plan on having one.... rely on it. If you have children you will have to show them through your actions and words how to respond in life.

Thank you in advance for reading this and please take these types of situations serious because although it may seem to you as a slight aggravation right now... it can escalate to becoming a real problem and if you ask me, this is a real problem because it is affecting your studies and that's not right.

me,
g

 

[calicokat]

Oh I am so like you! Just hate to have to be mean to someone. But in this case, your instincts are right and you need to listen to them.

People that are socially akward like that usually dont understand subtle hints like the rest of us... (thats why they have social problems..)

Redhen hit the nail on the head. You have tried being subtle, and he sees it as interest. I agree with others, report this right away & get your professor aware of the situation as well.

Then, almost like training a dog, each time he comes in your space you'll need a short - to the point- way to cut him off. Don't start it with, "I'm sorry, " or "Your very nice but," To him that is enough interest to keep him flitting around you. Unfortunatly it'll have to be something like "I don't like you, stay away from me." Just say it in a normal tone, not overly hostile. If he engages in converstion after that ("But why . . . . ") Look at him and picture a puppy, needs lots and lots of training, consistancy and use a little sterner voice this time - "Stay away from me"

It will be super, super hard. You'll feel sorry for dorky him and want to soften the blow, but you can't. Just be firm and consistant. It might help to keep a little log of what your interactions with him are, just in case. In today's world you just never know - but you can't ignore your instinct!

Good luck!! Sometimes being a growup really isn't all that fun!

 

[HEChicken]

My DH always says "guys don't get subtle". Women tend to want to be "nice" to everyone and not hurt anyone's feelings, so a woman who is thinking "NO WAY IN HELL" will instead say "I'm only interested in you as a friend". According to DH, as long as you haven't said "NO", the guy thinks he still has a chance and will continue to try to win you over. I was so glad when he told me this - it made a lot of sense when I looked at my interactions with men over the years, and I have tried to learn to be more direct. Even with DH. I no longer hint that his stuff lying around the living room is getting in everyone's way. What seems to me like a perfect hint that I need him to pick it up and move it - he just doesn't get. But if I say "Darling, I need you to pick up your stuff and put it away in the next 10 minutes", its gone. He really isn't trying to be difficult when he ignores the hints. He just doesn't hear them as a request that he take action, the way a woman in the same situation would.

It sounds to me like by not being direct with this guy and telling him "NO WAY IN HELL DO YOU STAND A CHANCE WITH ME", he thinks he does still have a chance. The good news is that for the most part guys LIKE direct. They like not having to figure out what we're really saying. He may not initially be happy when you tell him "No" but more than likely he will eventually be grateful that you didn't waste any more of his time.

 

[Chickerdoodle13]

Thanks for all the advice guys. I will certainly be taking much of it into consideration next time I have to deal with him!

Today I moved one seat over from where I normally sit and he decided to sit at the edge of the room. If he continues to do that, then I shouldn't have any issues with him. It's not that I try to have conversations with him, but he just talks and talks and talks, even if I'm not listening (Which I'm very good at doing!) As for the phone number, he only has that because at one point he seemed like a normal enough person. He was actually very pleasant the first time I met him (and believe me, I am not the flirtatious type at all, so that certainly was not the circumstances!)

I'm actually not as much of a pushover as I make myself seem. Usually I handle a situation and that's that. But this is something I've never encountered before so I wanted some advice from knowledgeable people

! Hopefully I will not have to say anything to him, but at least if I do, I will have a good idea of what to say.

 

[Camelot Farms]

I also think you have to be careful with the situation.

Since you have been pretty careful not to play into his fantasy and he is still bringing you candy, it wouldnt hurt to file a report with the campus security. So, if he turns into true stalker material (and in my book, he is already there) then you have already begun to show a pattern of behavior which is what it takes to prove stalking.

Jot down all of the instances that freak you out so that you have a running tally of his behaviors.

Not trying to stress you out, just making sure you cover your bases in case he doesnt settle down.

from a long time crime victim advocate specializing in family violence and relationship violence.

 

[HorseFeatherz NV]

Quote:
Please be very careful. The small concern in the back of your mind needs to be listened to -- there is a reason your mind/body says he is a concern - do not let your "nice" self talk your "guard" self out of this concern.


Please tell the profs in your classes you share with him that he is creeping you out - you want to be friendly, but are starting to be concerned. (he is harassing/stalking you - you have told him you are not interested and he is still pursuing you.)


Where you live, if with roommates, make sure they know what he looks like, to be on the lookout for him. (I would not trust that he does not know where you live)