when did parents stop parenting their children??

[redhen]

Quote:
I have to agree with this too..
I work with high-risk teens and i have taken in some kids that have wonderful parents... they did everything they could for their child... and it breaks their heart that they cant help or "fix" their child...

What went wrong? Who knows... But i firmly believe that it wasnt the parents "fault"..

And then theres the other end of the spectrum..where the parents are total dirt bags... *sigh*

 

[thaiturkey]

Quote:
Well, you're making quite an assumption there! I won't be exposing the lives of my children on a public forum, least of all to satisfy the curiosity of people I've never met. Let me just say that I have children, they are grown up and I'm very proud of them. They were quite normal children with normal issues of childhood. I was determined never to beat them or treat them cruelly but to respect them as individuals and reason with them, albeit with me and their mother as the ultimate decision makers. There's more to being a parent than saying 'No'.

My own views about adequate parenting have developed also from some years as a psychotherapist working with adult survivors of abuse in childhood. 'Abuse' includes emotional and physical as well as sexual abuse and they are just as damaging. Again, I won't go into any detail but the clear impression I have is that children grow to be emotionally healthy only if they are respected, guided, protected, cherished, given attention and shown they own value and potential. Now, that's not easy. Parenting is the most important job in the world. I suspect that some parents aren't aware of that and some just aren't up to it. On the other hand, many try and at least some do a good job.

 

[thaiturkey]

Quote:
I have to agree with this too..
I work with high-risk teens and i have taken in some kids that have wonderful parents... they did everything they could for their child... and it breaks their heart that they cant help or "fix" their child...

What went wrong? Who knows... But i firmly believe that it wasnt the parents "fault"..

And then theres the other end of the spectrum..where the parents are total dirt bags... *sigh*

You have to allow for the fact that parents can never be entirely sure how a child may be changed by an experience in or out of the home. Not everything is under their control. Also, some children have mental defects that the parents can do nothing about.

 

[redhen]

Quote:
I have to agree with this too..
I work with high-risk teens and i have taken in some kids that have wonderful parents... they did everything they could for their child... and it breaks their heart that they cant help or "fix" their child...

What went wrong? Who knows... But i firmly believe that it wasnt the parents "fault"..

And then theres the other end of the spectrum..where the parents are total dirt bags... *sigh*

You have to allow for the fact that parents can never be entirely sure how a child may be changed by an experience in or out of the home. Not everything is under their control. Also, some children have mental defects that the parents can do nothing about.

Yup.. i get that..

 

[donnaohlone]

I agree with steve, when the goverment took our rights away as parents our kids went to poop

 

[Dunkopf]

I still have my rights. I'm just not allowed to beat my kids. It's ok though because I don't need to beat them. I can spank them if I want to. It's perfectly legal to do that. Don't do that either.

I agree with you Thai.

 

[noodleroo]

I wish there was a magical answer here. I wish that I knew back when my children were small what I know now. Sometimes parents are at fault for not parenting their children and sometimes children just act badly. I don't know if parents stopped parenting or we just forgot that we have to be consistant with the important things so that our children know what is important.

 

[arabianequine]

Quote:
Well, you're making quite an assumption there! I won't be exposing the lives of my children on a public forum, least of all to satisfy the curiosity of people I've never met. Let me just say that I have children, they are grown up and I'm very proud of them. They were quite normal children with normal issues of childhood. I was determined never to beat them or treat them cruelly but to respect them as individuals and reason with them, albeit with me and their mother as the ultimate decision makers. There's more to being a parent than saying 'No'.

My own views about adequate parenting have developed also from some years as a psychotherapist working with adult survivors of abuse in childhood. 'Abuse' includes emotional and physical as well as sexual abuse and they are just as damaging. Again, I won't go into any detail but the clear impression I have is that children grow to be emotionally healthy only if they are respected, guided, protected, cherished, given attention and shown they own value and potential. Now, that's not easy. Parenting is the most important job in the world. I suspect that some parents aren't aware of that and some just aren't up to it. On the other hand, many try and at least some do a good job.

First of all I don't want or expect you too expose the lives of you children to me or anyone else. Are you saying people that have kids with problems the parents did not try or do a good job?

If you are insinuating my kids were beatin or treat them cruel you are totally mistaken. I wonder if that would have changed anything actually I mean a few more spankings not beatings but a bit too late for that.

Is it really an assumption? I think you said it yourself......" They were quite normal children with normal issues of childhood.". I am glad for you and your family, I wish I could say the same. I don't think the way my kids act is normal or has it been normal certainly not fun or what I asked for in the least bit.

Like I said I don't think you understand cause you did not experience what I have with our children with your own children. There is absolutely more to being a parent then saying no, I agree. Its like talking to a brick wall most of the time though lately.

You can blame who you want besides the kids but I know I am not the problem totally if at all cause my other son that was adopted since 5 days old 20 years ago is way worse then the kids I raised.....now foster parents raised him if that means anything and he has no respect for himself or anyone, rules or authority.

Also everyone that knows me and has delt with me and my son over the years knows I have tried I have stood behind the schools and nothing they do works either a lot of respectable adults/parents there and yes mental issues are a huge problem with him but ones that can be managed if he cared and tried now to the age you can't really make him do anything. I can't make him take medication the doctor won't even give it cause he flat out told him he won't take it. I do see a lot of similarities in both my boys raised by two totally different families. I never had my oldest son while growing up so I did not have any bearing on his behavior nor did my two sons see each other while growing up so that is not it either. I have the police lying to me, tell me oh thats a civil matter etc.

I have to stepdaughters and they are the rudest, selfish, disrespectful, only what they want, lifes a big party, neither work or go to school and live with their mom cause she enables them to be that way and just trying to be their friend did drugs with them while we try so hard to keep them off it, and went back and fourth between there bio mothers and our house while being raised. I do think if they did not have this option things would be more enforceable.

Now they don't talk to us or want to live here cause life is just too hard here you either have to work or go to school for us to foot your bill. I don't think that is unreasonable to ask and they choose to run to there mothers and do neither. All the kids would say I am 18 so you can't tell me what to do only when they don't want to do what I ask or say they should do etc. my response is oooooooooooohhhhhhh yes you do cause I don't have to help you do it or let you live here and do it. When they would have problems or issues I would say your 18 figure it out at times to try and prove a point did not make a darn difference. I tried guiding them and they don't seem to think they need it but they can't have their cake and eat it too....at 17, 18, and 20 it goes both ways now they are old enough to know better.

kids from different relationships

mental disibilities

wont work

wont do good or even try in school or finish school

won't help do any work around here inside or outside.....the younger daughter 2 months ago did not want to help me clean the chicken coop and had not all year so she never came back from her moms from a weekend visit she turned 18 in march why should i they are your animals you wanted them....who has the duck she wanted and rasing it hmmm....she has not talked to us in 2 months now....3 times to ask for her stuff I won't respond she knows where we live and just showing me that is all she cares about if she had all her stuff I don't think we would have heard from her at all....neither of my husbands girls even call their dad on his bday

everything is always an argument or fight

won't clean their rooms dishes, dirty clothes, poop from their dogs, they will when they want something so they can get it or if we get mad enough after telling them for several days

piss in cups/bottles

took a knife to all my furniture one day we were gone

punched holes in bedroom door

tied up calves or tried

stole our truck....this is the civil matter

took drugs and liquor to school

skip school

fighting at school

calling the teachers names

had to have a 1:1 Educational asst. since 2nd grade everyday of school

My husband half the time wants to blow his head off and leave the half of the time. Totally a lot of frustration and stress now just my son being here I am in the middle of this all the time and not what we wanted for our kids in their lives or our relationships with them.

I think I had a worse up bringing in and out of foster care and never adopted some abuse in these homes and I would not treat my bio mom the way our kids treat us not at all that is the only mom I have. I really honestly don't understand it at all. I am educated, own my own house etc. I was raised so much differently worse up bringing but made a better life for myself and our kids and my kids act like this?

Did you honestly have these issues with your kids while raising them? I am sure the world has changed since you raised your children so probably not.

 

[thaiturkey]

Quote:
Well, you're making quite an assumption there! I won't be exposing the lives of my children on a public forum, least of all to satisfy the curiosity of people I've never met. Let me just say that I have children, they are grown up and I'm very proud of them. They were quite normal children with normal issues of childhood. I was determined never to beat them or treat them cruelly but to respect them as individuals and reason with them, albeit with me and their mother as the ultimate decision makers. There's more to being a parent than saying 'No'.

My own views about adequate parenting have developed also from some years as a psychotherapist working with adult survivors of abuse in childhood. 'Abuse' includes emotional and physical as well as sexual abuse and they are just as damaging. Again, I won't go into any detail but the clear impression I have is that children grow to be emotionally healthy only if they are respected, guided, protected, cherished, given attention and shown they own value and potential. Now, that's not easy. Parenting is the most important job in the world. I suspect that some parents aren't aware of that and some just aren't up to it. On the other hand, many try and at least some do a good job.

First of all I don't want or expect you too expose the lives of you children to me or anyone else. Are you saying people that have kids with problems the parents did not try or do a good job?

If you are insinuating my kids were beatin or treat them cruel you are totally mistaken. I wonder if that would have changed anything actually I mean a few more spankings not beatings but a bit too late for that.

Is it really an assumption? I think you said it yourself......" They were quite normal children with normal issues of childhood.". I am glad for you and your family, I wish I could say the same. I don't think the way my kids act is normal or has it been normal certainly not fun or what I asked for in the least bit.

Like I said I don't think you understand cause you did not experience what I have with our children with your own children. There is absolutely more to being a parent then saying no, I agree. Its like talking to a brick wall most of the time though lately.

You can blame who you want besides the kids but I know I am not the problem totally if at all cause my other son that was adopted since 5 days old 20 years ago is way worse then the kids I raised.....now foster parents raised him if that means anything and he has no respect for himself or anyone, rules or authority.

Also everyone that knows me and has delt with me and my son over the years knows I have tried I have stood behind the schools and nothing they do works either a lot of respectable adults/parents there and yes mental issues are a huge problem with him but ones that can be managed if he cared and tried now to the age you can't really make him do anything. I can't make him take medication the doctor won't even give it cause he flat out told him he won't take it. I do see a lot of similarities in both my boys raised by two totally different families. I never had my oldest son while growing up so I did not have any bearing on his behavior nor did my two sons see each other while growing up so that is not it either. I have the police lying to me, tell me oh thats a civil matter etc.

I have to stepdaughters and they are the rudest, selfish, disrespectful, only what they want, lifes a big party, neither work or go to school and live with their mom cause she enables them to be that way and just trying to be their friend did drugs with them while we try so hard to keep them off it, and went back and fourth between there bio mothers and our house while being raised. I do think if they did not have this option things would be more enforceable.

Now they don't talk to us or want to live here cause life is just too hard here you either have to work or go to school for us to foot your bill. I don't think that is unreasonable to ask and they choose to run to there mothers and do neither. All the kids would say I am 18 so you can't tell me what to do only when they don't want to do what I ask or say they should do etc. my response is oooooooooooohhhhhhh yes you do cause I don't have to help you do it or let you live here and do it. When they would have problems or issues I would say your 18 figure it out at times to try and prove a point did not make a darn difference. I tried guiding them and they don't seem to think they need it but they can't have their cake and eat it too....at 17, 18, and 20 it goes both ways now they are old enough to know better.

kids from different relationships

mental disibilities

wont work

wont do good or even try in school or finish school

won't help do any work around here inside or outside.....the younger daughter 2 months ago did not want to help me clean the chicken coop and had not all year so she never came back from her moms from a weekend visit she turned 18 in march why should i they are your animals you wanted them....who has the duck she wanted and rasing it hmmm....she has not talked to us in 2 months now....3 times to ask for her stuff I won't respond she knows where we live and just showing me that is all she cares about if she had all her stuff I don't think we would have heard from her at all....neither of my husbands girls even call their dad on his bday

everything is always an argument or fight

won't clean their rooms dishes, dirty clothes, poop from their dogs, they will when they want something so they can get it or if we get mad enough after telling them for several days

piss in cups/bottles

took a knife to all my furniture one day we were gone

punched holes in bedroom door

tied up calves or tried

stole our truck....this is the civil matter

took drugs and liquor to school

skip school

fighting at school

calling the teachers names

had to have a 1:1 Educational asst. since 2nd grade everyday of school

My husband half the time wants to blow his head off and leave the half of the time. Totally a lot of frustration and stress now just my son being here I am in the middle of this all the time and not what we wanted for our kids in their lives or our relationships with them.

I think I had a worse up bringing in and out of foster care and never adopted some abuse in these homes and I would not treat my bio mom the way our kids treat us not at all that is the only mom I have. I really honestly don't understand it at all. I am educated, own my own house etc. I was raised so much differently worse up bringing but made a better life for myself and our kids and my kids act like this?

Did you honestly have these issues with your kids while raising them? I am sure the world has changed since you raised your children so probably not.

I didn't suggest that you beat your kids or treat them cruelly. I just said that I'd didn't treat mine like that. It was a general reference to some of the things that have been written on this thread. I made no personal remarks about you. As it happens, I neither beat nor spanked my children.

Adopted and step children have issues to deal with over and above normal childhood ones. It's probably even more so if they share a home with their new parents' natural children. That seems to apply often even if they were adopted at a very young age. It creates more challenges for the new parents too and must make for a very difficult job.

Again, I won't be drawn into a discussion about my family on an open forum so please don't pose questions. They are entitled to respect for their privacy and I won't share that much about my own private life either.

 

[noodleroo]

arabianequine; I don't envy your path. I'm sorry your children are so difficult for you. I have a theory about inheriting behaviors from your parents. I'm certainly no expert so just take this for what its worth.

I believe that our children instinctively pick up on how we feel about our parents. If your children see that there is a strain between you and a parent, on some level your child thinks that is how parents and children treat each other. And I don't think it matters who is right and who is wrong; they just see the conflict and adopt it as the norm. For instance, if you had an abusive parent when you were growing up, even though you may have patched up those differences as you became an adult, there will always be some protective process that you use to keep yourself safe from that parent. Even if you are the best parent in the world to your children, I think they pick up on your feelings toward your parents...