When is enough enough?

[sfw2]

Quote:
THIS.

I'm so sorry you have to watch your son go through this. As you've said, he has to be the one to decide when enough's enough. You can be there to support him when he does.

 

[Cetawin]

First let me say that I am saddened that your son is going through this BS. Now let me tell you what I know as the wife of a green beret.

First, your son is responsible for everything his wife does, says etc etc on a military installation.

Two, he is just as responsible for those actions and etc that occur off the installation

Three, your son's career and the stability of it are directly related to his home life and his ability to maintain "life" as a husband and a soldier. Bills not being paid, wife being arrested, disputes etc etc will reflect on him as a soldier, his chain of command will become aware of them and his career could end as a result...ie being dishonorably or other than honorably discharged from military service under UCMJ chapters (Uniform Code of Military Justice ie military laws).

When your son took the oath of service, he subjected himself to two laws...the United States and individual state law and military law.

The problems...her drinking, her actions, the possibility of infidelity which is a HUGE no no under military law.

He needs to face reality, advise his chain of command of the problems and then get his arse over to JAG pronto and legal advice on protecting his career.

 

[SallyF]

Cetawin said "He needs to face reality, advise his chain of command of the problems and then get his arse over to JAG pronto and legal advice on protecting his career." My DH was career military and I second her words!!! All you can do is speak the truth to him; you don't need to solve the problem, just advise him of where to get help and sit back with your fingers crossed. Hardest thing a parent can do.

 

[welsummerchicks]

There is always the possibility that she can get sober. You would look at the situation right now and think that's impossible, that the only way is to get them to break up, but it does happen.

The people who are giving her drinking money need to stop. Your son will have to figure out when he is helping and when he is really enabling her. Instead of food money he might have to give her food stamps, or work something else out. Some people get all the groceries delivered to the house and just don't give them any money. So they can't go buy any alcohol.

Her mother will have to figure it out. People honestly believe they are helping, and too, sometimes the alcoholic is not being truthful with the person, and they don't realize they are actually helping the person get drinking money.

You can't really get someone to stop drinking, they have to get to where they want to stop themselves. Al-Anon can help your son figure out what to do - there are Al-Anon groups available in the military if I remember right. He might want to talk to his commanding officer, say, I do think that is one way to get some advice of what help the military can provide to him. I do think as a military man he has a right to some services and support. If he does not I think I will go march on Washington because our service people need these things. They are giving up a lot to serve our country and they deserve family services when they need it.

Sometimes people prefer to get their advice outside the family. Not because they are angry at the family, but because it diffuses some of the emotional tension to talk to someone they don't know so well and is less emotional about it personally.

A lot of times a drunk has a serious problem she (or he) is running away from. You would never think they could ever get better when you see them at their worst, but it does happen. They can stop drinking and learn how to deal with what made them drink. The most successful group at helping is right now generally thought to be Alcoholics Anonymous.

You can't make her do anything, and you can't make him do anything. If you try to get him to do certain things he's probably going to get mad. Not really mad at you, just so upset about what's going on and being so powerless.

All you can do is tell him you are there for him any time he wants to talk, and listen, and say you love him and you will be there for him.

I think it's fine for you to quietly say she is not to call you when she is drunk. You may not hear from her much if you make that rule, but you can set some boundaries.

One thing - tough love is popular when people get angry and are sick of the broken promises and all, but it does not always work with alcoholics.

More than tough love, I would say, very smart love, with a lot of information about what alcoholism does and what works the best for each family member to do.

The most effective position is kind of a middle position. You don't hand them money for them to buy booze with, you don't 'enable' them to drink, but you also keep the communication line open to them and keep in their life, which gives them some chance of getting better. It's the hardest position to figure out but it seems to work the best.

You can't try to get him to do ABC. He's going to have to figure it out. You just stick with him, listen, and be kind. He's going to figure it out. You just be his rock. You know what they say. Sometimes you have to Let Go and Let God. Not like some miracle will happen and everyone will be instantly happy, but that he will figure out what he needs to do and there is hope.

You might want to check into Al-Anon yourself. I think it would help you cope. A lot of people have been through this with their sons and daughters and they really can help you get through this.

 

[sourland]

I also recommend Al-Anon he heeds help with all the ramifications of her addiction. He aso needs to know that he is not the problem and that he is not alone. Good luck to you and him.

 

[EweSheep]

Quote:
My sister knows of this and she would agree on this one as well.

Welsummerchicks has some good points too! They would have to hit rock bottom to get the help.

Above all, needs to get to JAG and get it done before he goes overseas.

 

[TigerLilly]

Sometimes you have to sit back and let a man handle his business. Yes, he is your son, but he is grown, married & in the military. Time to cut the apron strings & let him deal with his own problems. I give mine an ear when they need it, but I do my best not to get in the middle. If I ask questions it is something along the lines of, "Well, what do you THINK would make it better?" and let them come up with their own ideas. He needs support in whatever he decides to do, but he needs to also figure out what that is.

 

[joebryant]

Quote:
Well said.

 

[zippitydooda]

Unfortunately, I have been in your position. My son is 31 and now divorced. It was not a friendly divorce. That was 4 years ago, and all I can say is I AM REALLY GLAD I STAYED OUT OF IT. I offered him a place to stay, and LISTENED. I hugged him, cried with him and loved him, but I did NOT try to solve his problem. It was really hard to do, but I did not get sucked into the drama. He needed me to be there afterward to be supportive.

Please know that this will get better with time, but HE has to be the one to deal with it. Let him know you are there for him to listen, but put some boundaries in place (such as no calls after 10 pm). You will be treated exactly how you allow him to treat you, and HE will be treated how he allows the wife to treat him.

You and your son are in my prayers. Hugs!

 

[cmjust0]

Ok, so you mention that he's sensitive and affectionate, "soft" even, and perhaps a bit naive as evidenced by the fact that he believes his wife over *everyone else* despite overwhelming evidence of....misdeeds, shall we say? Then there's the fact that, for his part, he seems to be a pretty "structured" person. Responsible, I'm sure -- more so, I'm guessing, than his peers. Altruistic.. Honest.. Just wants to help people.. Very empathetic..

When he was little, was he like a "little professor" by any chance? Kinda identified more with adults than people his own age? Did he get really super focused on one hobby or interest at a time and just put 110% into it?...learn everything he could about it?

I'm driving at something here...and it's not a bad thing, necessarily...I just don't wanna say it until I get some confirmation that I'm barking up the right tree..