There is always the possibility that she can get sober. You would look at the situation right now and think that's impossible, that the only way is to get them to break up, but it does happen.
The people who are giving her drinking money need to stop. Your son will have to figure out when he is helping and when he is really enabling her. Instead of food money he might have to give her food stamps, or work something else out. Some people get all the groceries delivered to the house and just don't give them any money. So they can't go buy any alcohol.
Her mother will have to figure it out. People honestly believe they are helping, and too, sometimes the alcoholic is not being truthful with the person, and they don't realize they are actually helping the person get drinking money.
You can't really get someone to stop drinking, they have to get to where they want to stop themselves. Al-Anon can help your son figure out what to do - there are Al-Anon groups available in the military if I remember right. He might want to talk to his commanding officer, say, I do think that is one way to get some advice of what help the military can provide to him. I do think as a military man he has a right to some services and support. If he does not I think I will go march on Washington because our service people need these things. They are giving up a lot to serve our country and they deserve family services when they need it.
Sometimes people prefer to get their advice outside the family. Not because they are angry at the family, but because it diffuses some of the emotional tension to talk to someone they don't know so well and is less emotional about it personally.
A lot of times a drunk has a serious problem she (or he) is running away from. You would never think they could ever get better when you see them at their worst, but it does happen. They can stop drinking and learn how to deal with what made them drink. The most successful group at helping is right now generally thought to be Alcoholics Anonymous.
You can't make her do anything, and you can't make him do anything. If you try to get him to do certain things he's probably going to get mad. Not really mad at you, just so upset about what's going on and being so powerless.
All you can do is tell him you are there for him any time he wants to talk, and listen, and say you love him and you will be there for him.
I think it's fine for you to quietly say she is not to call you when she is drunk. You may not hear from her much if you make that rule, but you can set some boundaries.
One thing - tough love is popular when people get angry and are sick of the broken promises and all, but it does not always work with alcoholics.
More than tough love, I would say, very smart love, with a lot of information about what alcoholism does and what works the best for each family member to do.
The most effective position is kind of a middle position. You don't hand them money for them to buy booze with, you don't 'enable' them to drink, but you also keep the communication line open to them and keep in their life, which gives them some chance of getting better. It's the hardest position to figure out but it seems to work the best.
You can't try to get him to do ABC. He's going to have to figure it out. You just stick with him, listen, and be kind. He's going to figure it out. You just be his rock. You know what they say. Sometimes you have to Let Go and Let God. Not like some miracle will happen and everyone will be instantly happy, but that he will figure out what he needs to do and there is hope.
You might want to check into Al-Anon yourself. I think it would help you cope. A lot of people have been through this with their sons and daughters and they really can help you get through this.
