Why are people so rude? Need to vent... *LONG*

[gumpsgirl]

Okay, so my 12 year-old son has this friend who has been developmentally delayed. This boy's lights aren't always on, if you know what I mean, and sometimes we even wonder about his elevator going all the way to the top. Not trying to be rude, but there's no other way of saying it and it really isn't the child I have a problem with. It's his mother! I need to explain that my 12 year-old has always been attracted to the "odd" one in the bunch because he has such a big heart and wants the underdog to have a chance. He always takes the underdog under his wing and acts like a mother duck. It doesn't matter whether it be a person or animal, that's just the way he is. Sweet boy! Anyways, he has been friends with the aforementioned for 5 years now and always seems to take abuse from this boy, be it verbal or physical, and yet keeps his head held high and does what this boy wants ALL of the time! Several years back, I had to even pull this child off of my son while he was in Lord of the Rings mode and pretending he was Smeagal, choking my son!

After that happened, I haven't trusted my son alone with the boy, which I'm sure you all understand why. Anyways, his mother seems to think that my son is the only social interaction that her son gets (wonder why

) and calls me frequently for the two to play. She has called me recently to set up a play date for them. Well, we set today as the day and she asks, "So, when should I bring Tim over?"

I am the only one who finds it strange when people invite themselves or their child over?

It happens all the time so I should be used to it. They even do the, "We are coming for dinner so Tim can play. What time should we be there?" Back to today, sorry! I understood that he'd only be here for the afternoon and then go home. How about his mom has dropped him off and won't be back until 10:00 tonight!!!

So much for going to bed early, which I so had wanted to do.

I guess where my real problem lies here, is that this boys mom will call every once in awhile and say things like, "We might like to have Kameron over for a science project we are doing (we both homeschool), if he will behave." WHAT?!?! Kameron (my son) does not have a problem behaving. I'm not merrily saying that because he's my son, it really is true. He's a good boy and will do anything you ask him to. Then her son comes over here and does nothing but complain, beats up on my kids, is rude, doesn't like the food, etc... Holy mackerel! I don't know what in the world she's thinking! She's also the one that told me that my chickens were nasty, if anyone remembers that post from last summer. That also has flown all over me, beings I can't go into her house for 5 minutes without being plastered in dog hair. Just a little bit ago Kameron asked him if he'd like to watch the Karate Kid. Tim looked at Kameron and said, "I tried karate once and it didn't work out to well." Kameron then had to explain that he didn't want to do karate with Tim, but that he wanted to watch the movie Karate Kid with him. Tim looked at him and said, "Nope. I don't like karate because I can't do it and I don't want to watch the movie." Kameron in his last attempt to sway Tim to watch this movie explained that it was about much more than karate and that he thought Tim would really like it. Raising his voice, Tim looked at Kameron and yelled, "NO! I don't want to watch that stupid movie. I'm sorry but we are NOT watching it." Sheesh! Who's house is he at anyways?!?! As a good host should do, Kameron said okay. Sometimes I just feel so bad for Kameron. This boy can slap him and he'd just say, "It's okay." That's happened more than you know.

Sorry... I just had to vent. Maybe I can pull myself together now, without loosing it, and go finish cooking dinner. He's already announced to me that he doesn't like what I'm fixing. He prefers "healthy" food like steak and potatoes. Boy that child wouldn't survive in my house long!

 

[Royicus]

Hmm. If it is as bad as it sounds, it is probably best that the two boys separate paths. It doesn't really sound like a healthy friendship. Hopefully he doesn't grow and think that friendships should all be this way, because they really shouldn't.

Maybe I'm treating kids too much like adults though because kids do some strange things, but I can't see any good really coming out of this for Kameron or for you.

Hope it all works out well. Just my opinion.

 

[debilorrah]

Ok, here goes. I understand that the kid is not wearing a "Plays well with others" t-shirt most of the time, and I am sure his mom knows he is a problem with other kids. That being said, there has to be a meeting of the minds over this situation because that woman is taking advantage of your good nature.

You have become a built in babysitter for this kid, especially when she won't come back until 10pm. That is not a play date, that is her going out with friends, while you babysit him. 10 pm is late. Probably no one else would do it. You need to start setting down the rules on the phone. "Sure he can come over until 7:00, then we are sitting down for family time", etc. Next time she invites herself for dinner, tell her your family is going out but you will return at 8:00 pm, or whenever your dinner hour is over. She needs to get the hint that she can't walk ll over you - Stand up for yourself girl!!!

 

[gumpsgirl]

Quote:
Yeah, but the problem is that we can go a month or two without hearing from them and hope and pray we've all gone our merry way, but only to get a phone call again. Then I have to hear about how Tim has no social interaction with anyone else that that Kameron is all he has. Then she just says they are coming over. They just keep turning up! The only way I think we'd be able to not see them is to move away and that just isn't an option, unfortunately.

 

[TheOLDNewChick]

Oh no. I'm sorry, but NO.

Smack the kid and the mom, then everyone's happy...except maybe the kid and his mother.

 

[JennsPeeps]

I agree with Deb, though it's awfully easy for us to judge the situation without living it or even seeing it firsthand.

I'd encourage you to set firm boundaries with the mom. 10:00 is not appropriate, and it's your responsibility to let her know this. It really does seem, from the distance of my computer monitor, that you're being taken advantage of by this woman.

 

[cjeanean]

Well, I understand what you're going through. We had a neighbor girl who was a little short upstairs and was always coming over to hang out with us. We didn't want to be rude, but we were always avoiding her. If she found out we were home that was the end of that.

Your son seems like an excellent kid, not wanting to offend or hurt this other boy. However, even a child can understand how to be polite. What age level is the other boy at??? If he's considered to at least be on the same mental level as a 5 yr old then he can understand that he needs to be polite. It's either that or you deal with it indefinately. I would suggest telling the child that he has to be nice or stop coming over. A 5 yr old would understand this, and if he's at least at that level he'll understand. You may have to talk to his mother, as well. If she's not the kind of person who will let you talk then I would suggest writing her a note with very CAREFUL wording, since people who have children like this tend to be very uptight and take things VERY wrongly if not said correctly. Good luck!!!

 

[JennsPeeps]

BTW, you don't need to worry about being "rude" to this woman. Being firm and telling her "no" is absolutely within your rights.

I once went through a training at work aobut how to say "no". the trainor was full of some serious c rap in some ways, but I liked how he framed saying "no" as a matter of being or not being willing. What are you willing to give up or unwilling to negotiate on in order to allow the children to play together.

If you're unwilling to babysit her child, you can say NO.
If you're unwilling to allow him over after a certain time, say NO.
If you're unwilling to supervise the kid with your own, NO.
If you're unwilling to deal with her snobbery (we might let your child over), say NO.

"No" isn't negative to say when it's saving your time or your family. It's very positive to say it. Don't be afraid!

 

[skeeter9]

You and your son should be commended for being kind and understanding. It's unfortunate that this boy is not being taught appropriate social skills. It doesn't matter that he is developmentally delayed, there still can be behavior expectations and rewards/consequences. I would be frustrated, too!!! His mom certainly needs to set guidelines for her son and hold him to them or he is going to have a very hard time functioning as an adult. She also needs to share those expectations and rewards/consequences with you so that he can be held accountable at your home, too. It's amazing what people with disabilities can accomplish when the bar is set high enough!!!! Sounds like mom might needs some help in the social skills area as well!!!! What does she do when you politely tell her that it's time for her son to go home or that your son isn't available or something like that?

 

[Royicus]

Quote:
Yeah, but the problem is that we can go a month or two without hearing from them and hope and pray we've all gone our merry way, but only to get a phone call again. Then I have to hear about how Tim has no social interaction with anyone else that that Kameron is all he has. Then she just says they are coming over. They just keep turning up! The only way I think we'd be able to not see them is to move away and that just isn't an option, unfortunately.

Bummer. It is a tough situation to be in for sure. My sister had an issue living with some other gals of one particular person always using her stuff, eating her food, asking for rides, etc.

My sister obliged for many months, but I always heard about it. It's hard to tell a person that you don't want to assist them anymore. It almost seems like the sooner you can do it, the better. It is a bum deal that Kameron's friend only has one friend, which is your Son. But that does not mean that you are obligated to be entertainment/babysitter/floormat for them.

Perhaps as a way to do it, if they state they are coming over, you can try one of the following excuses:

- I'm sorry, the house is being fumigated right now.
- I'm sorry, we are painting and the house smells quite bad.
- I'm sorry, I'm not feeling well and would rather not have guests over.
- I'm sorry, I have some errands to run this evening.
- That's probably not a good idea. UFOs have been spotted in my area.
- My house is under quarantine by the CDC for the next year.
- Excause me? Who is this? No, I would not like to order any magazines. *click*
- Moon and star are the sheep targets. Burn skull down first, then focus on circle.

I'm interested to hear other people's opinions.