Why can't my husband hear me?

[ozark hen]

Quote:

Someone had to say it.

you are not helping here

 

[PurpleChicken]

Quote:
Marriages go through phases and cycles, feasts and famines, good times
and bad.

There should be a marriage school so people know what to do afterwards.
It's up to both to keep things interesting.

 

[PurpleChicken]

Quote:
That was dead on and very cool. Very wise post Becky.

 

[Xtina]

Well, if all your great responses only affirm that I really do have to change my expectations, at least it helps to know I'm not the only one!

I can make efforts to not bug him when he's doing something, but for how much that guy does, there just isn't a moment left for any talking between us if I waited for him to stop. His mind is so full and he has so many responsibilities. I can see how full his head must be, going to school full time, keeping up with all his hobbies, and worrying about my massive pay cut and the state of the economy this week. His evenings normally involve picking me up from work, coming home, decompressing in front of the tube, then eating dinner with me. After dinner we trade spots at the TV and the computer, and after that, he immediately goes to bed, even if I'm not ready and is asleep, leaving us no time except the Saturday mornings, like I said. I know all couples go through this kind of thing.

I guess I just feel so stupid trying to make eye contact to force him to come downstairs for dinner, or answer when I say "how do you like your supper?" These aren't important issues that are burning at my soul. They're not important enough to make an issue of, until I feel slighted by his not paying attention to me. I just want to have a light conversation!

But I definitely hear what azelgin is saying about men not being able to multitask. That is crystal clear and I know our brains work differently. It doesn't stop the frustration level though.

 

[PurpleChicken]

It does sound like you both have a lot on your hands. I can relate,
especially with the early to bed thing. My wife, when she isn't working
until 11:30, goes to bed by 9. It get's frustrating.

You both owe it to each other to work at it. Let him know how you feel
but do it in a noncritical way. You both need to meet in the middle on
this.

 

[Xtina]

I can't wait to see how stressful this all gets when we have kids! "Honey, hand me a diaper, quick! There's been a poop explosion!" (Diaper never arrives, due to request never processing)

At least we're both on the same page about backing each other up when it comes to discipline. He's going to be the master of ignoring our kids' backhanded attempts at mommy-daddying us. "Ask your mother," haha!

 

[onthespot]

I call bs that just because he is plumbed differently he gets to be rude and self absorbed 99% of the time. He is what he is, and will not likely change, but if it was me and mine I'd be sure that he understands that he must at some time during the day quit bouncing around and listen, and respond, even if only for two minutes a day, EVERY day. He does not get a pass on the unpleasant tasks of life because he is male. If he is to be head of household, he needs to know what is going on in his wife's head. How can you work toward common goals if you don't even know what the other person is thinking? You need to prune it down from expanded essay format to a sonnet, maybe even a haiku at first. Don't torture him by going on and on and mixing issues once you get his ear. Set a timer if you must, and agree that he must focus for at least 60 seconds a day. You can say a LOT in sixty seconds if you too learn to focus. He doesn't have to fix the problem in sixty seconds, but he does have to listen to it. Good luck. He really does have to listen. You need to keep it short and sweet until he gets better at listening.

 

[Xtina]

Thanks

I guess the hardest part isn't so much that he doesn't want to hear my innermost thoughts. Half the time, even I don't want to hear them

. I know that if I want to be heard, I need to say something more interesting than "wah wah, my coworker's such a meanie!"

The thing that set me off today really was the no answer to the simplest of questions. It was so aggravating.

"Hey, when's the super bowl?"

Silence.

"When are you leaving to go on tour?"

Silence

"Aw, look at the dogs, they're being so cute!"

No head turn.

Sometimes it's just like I'm completely alone even though he's right next to me. Then ten minutes later when I walked back into the room, he had swiveled his chair around and was looking at me with the sweetest, most loving expression, and opened his arms for a hug. He had no idea that he'd been ignoring me completely for an hour. I didn't need any big discussions, just for him to say, "the super bowl is this Sunday, and you won't need to watch it because I'll still be in Minneapolis with the band"

No big discussion needed. No emptying of my heart and soul, dreams and longings, hopes and aspirations. No complaining about stupid girl crap. Just a simple question that needed a simple response to keep me from feeling like I was not important.

 

[willowcol]

Humm, my husband does this sometimes but not to often so I really don't have much advise. I do have 1 thing I would do if I were you. Copy your original post print it out and give it to him. Maybe he will realize how you feel if he reads it. Sometimes when a person is use to not really listening you have to just put it on paper and hope they understand it that way. I would edit out the parts about being slow though, lol.

 

[onthespot]

next time he blows you off for more than a sentence or two, start reading him ads you have circled out of the personals that you find interesting. If that don't whip his head around, ditch him before you have kids.