Why can't my husband hear me?

[Xtina]

Ha! Oh man, he would be so hurt if I did that!

Maybe I will print out a few of my posts though. I just don't think he has the ability to change, if the responses of some of the guys and older women on this thread have anything to say about it.

 

[willowcol]

I do know that if he really loves you and you can get him to realize how it really hurts you. Not in the middle of it happening, complaining about it, but for no reason, a letter explaining how hurt it really makes you feel he can change. It might not be 100% all the time, but he can do better. My husband use to say hurtful thing, not meaning to but it was just the way he talked. I complain and cry when he did it, nothing changed. A heart felt letter really telling him how it made me feel. How it made me feel like he didn't care, and made me feel so small. It has been alot better ever since, sometimes they just think we are complaining when we are really just hurt.

 

[azelgin]

Hey, it's not that I am not LISTENING to my wife, it's that I don't HEAR her. I am not being rude, or insensitive to her. The information just doesn't get in. She might just as well be talking to my from the house next door. I can't hear her until she gets my attention away from whatever it is I am focusing on at the time. If your guy is different, lucky you. We've made it work for 35 years, so I must not be as big a jerk as some might think, just because I need a little tap on the sholder to get my attention.

 

[Xtina]

I guess I never gave the thought of giving him a note about it much consideration, since I've had bad luck before giving people a letter instead of confronting them verbally. Maybe it's worth a try though...this isn't some stranger, it's my husband.

 

[Xtina]

Quote:
Oh, I totally got what you were saying. I think your response was one of the most insightful. I wish a tap on the shoulder would work for mine! I tried the physical contact thing with him and being forced to break his focus for something trivial just seemed to upset him more, so I stopped doing it. I can understand how that's frustrating too. It just comes down to men not being able to do 3 things at once. And that's been scientifically proven too. Women need to multitask in order to survive and men need to have laser-like focus. It's just one of those things that's tough to work through. You're probably as great of a guy as my husband is. It's partially a failing on my ability to show empathy for his inability to respond the way I might.

 

[friendlyearth]

Ah, I think they (men) are just clueless once they say "I do". Real life hits, zoning out, working on things. You are no longer a goal, but a day to day reality. Men are pretty easy to keep happy - food, sex, companionship. Women, well we are way more complicated and want all this conversation and stuff. Once you have kids it will get worse.

18 yrs and counting here. I don't mean any of the above to sound negative. I don't think it is, although for women I think we miss the special conversations. I'm sure men miss our early relationship flirting and seduction. It is a balancing act, a giving and taking. And even though you are best friends and have been together for years, sometimes telling each other what you want and need is very necessary. We really don't read each others minds, we just learn to anticipate. The same way the cat knows it is feeding time. They just anticipate your movements. A spouse is the same way, but like the cat when you open tuna instead of cat food, they get confused.

 

[azelgin]

Quote:
Oh, I totally got what you were saying. I think your response was one of the most insightful. I wish a tap on the shoulder would work for mine! I tried the physical contact thing with him and being forced to break his focus for something trivial just seemed to upset him more, so I stopped doing it. I can understand how that's frustrating too. It just comes down to men not being able to do 3 things at once. And that's been scientifically proven too. Women need to multitask in order to survive and men need to have laser-like focus. It's just one of those things that's tough to work through. You're probably as great of a guy as my husband is. It's partially a failing on my ability to show empathy for his inability to respond the way I might.

Thanks for understanding where I'm coming from. A tap on the shoulder sometimes startles me. It's surprising how everything gets tuned out. I don't get bothered by being interrupted (unless I have 30 invoices on my desk and I'm trying to figure out which one goes to which customer before the mailman comes), more embarrassed that I didn't hear her. I am a very detail orientated (she says picky) person, so how could I have missed what she was saying? I'll leave this alone now. Good luck with your communication road block. I know you will work something out, since you know how some of us guys tick.

 

[AngieChick]

Quote:
Sorry, I am going to go against the grain here and say that that behavior is totally rude. Everyone deserves to be acknowledged, and part of a marriage is companionship. One of our jobs as wives and husbands is to make sure that the relationship remains healthy and cohesive. I don't think it's asking too much for him to acknowledge your existence. We have had this problem in the past, DH would be involved in what he is doing and wouldn't answer me back. When I called him on it (respectfully), he did make an effort. It happens every now and then, still, but a gentle reminder on manners is all it takes. My father used to do that to us, and it subtly sent a message to us that we didn't matter as much as his TV program did to him. It did impact our relationship. My mother put her foot down, and now the motto is "people matter more than TV" (or a book, or computer) in their home, it's something that I completely agree with and maintain in my own household. I think sometimes these guys don't realize the message they are sending and the impact on relationships it can have over time. I agree that you don't want to give him a free pass, you really aren't asking too much. If he wouldn't treat a co-worker like that, how can he treat his dearest love that way?

 

[Xtina]

That's another good point. I'm sure I will have to find a way to talk to him about how it makes me feel to be ignored, while reassuring him that I know how it feels to be interrupted.

 

[onthespot]

I think you are WAY too worried about hurting his feelings, "making him mad" (which is HIS reaction to get mad. You don't "make him" get mad, he decides to respond in a negative and angry way to discourage you from interrupting his sacred moment of zoning out. TOTALLY NOT FAIR and unacceptable and he needs to be called on it, SOONER rather than later. Period.)