Why do most people marry?

[Avalon1984]

We've talked about it a couple times in the 4+ years we've been together. I guess I haven't brought it up recently because I'm afraid of the answer...

Don't get discouraged. My hubby never thought about getting married, especially after dealing with all his crazy exes. So one day I said :" Hey, wanne get married on the horses?" He said "Sure, why not" And we got married on the horses. Last year I said "Hey, wanne renew our vows in 2013 and get married on the horses again beacuse it was so much fun?" He said "Sure, why not." Sometimes it just takes good suggestion.

Edited to say that it might be better to get an answer, good or bad, than stretch something out that may lead to misery. I hope you get the answer you desire.

 

[zzGypsy]

Aww thanks Redhen!

You are too sweet... problem is I am already 30! LoL! I want to settle down and have a family before I am too old... My current bf and I have been together for almost 4 and a half years and he is not showing me the slightest hints that he ever even wants to get married...

just a couple of thoughts...
4 and a half years is long enough to know if you want a commitment and kids. if he doesn't want to move forward, and you've talked about it, well ... there's the whole story. if what you want (a husband and kids) is not what he wants (a girlfriend who doesn't bug him about such things), then maybe he's not the one.

sounds like you can hear your clock ticking. that can be a good motivator to resolve a situation that isn't going to take you where you want to go. just don't let it take you into a relationship just for having babies, without a strong marriage to raise them in.

and - while it's important, having your own babies is not the only way to have kids - there are a ton of them out there that need a family if you don't make your own. my stepdad changed my life, probably saved it. so raising children comes in many forms.

the right guy - one who shares your goals and desires - and then solve the kids thing.

 

[WhiteMountainsRanch]

Quote:
I would never have kids out of wedlock, and absolutely don't want kids unless it is with the right person! That's why I'm 30 with no kids.

But I guess that is also what is making my clock tick... if he ISN'T the right one, then how long is it going to take for me to find that person, settle down, get married, and have kids... a long time I reckon!

 

[Sore Thumb Suburbanite]

I can see your dilemma, I'd be out of sorts in your position, After dating my husband for a year and a half I was looking at the callendar every day waiting for that proposal-I knew it was coming (we admitted to eachother in the first couple months of dating that we'd get married, I knew in the first week) but man I was impatient and I wanted to get a family started asap with him. Thats what I have always wanted, a carreer as a wife and mom.

I think its only fair to examine your end of the relationship and figure out your next move and fast-you want to get on with life and take the next step.Thats clearly your goal and its a worthy one. I'm with ya, I feel impatient for you-and boy do I hope you get out and move on or I hope that your guy is the right guy and just hopelessly clueless. You're in a tough place-but be brutally honest with yourself and don't settle for less than your highest standards.

By the way, I did not marry just for love, or for convenience, or even because I'm a Christian and I believe in Biblical marriage...I married because I set aside my feelings and observed the facts-I was honest with myself too. Of course I loved my husband to be, but it was more important to me what we held in common, because feelings are driven by choices and emotions (and I know I make wrong choices all too often). Emotions are disposable; just watch a dramatic movie and your emotions will jump all over the chart in less than 2 hours. To me, letting emotions alone guide one of the most important decisions in my life would be too risky.
I didn't romanticize marriage either. I knew it would be a full time job, and that it has its benefits and caveats. I walked into the institution with my eyes open and knowing things could get messy, ugly and bleak...that I'd be suffering at times-however, I knew the positives I could get out of marriage--and for me that made getting married a good risk to take.
I was very fortunate, God made someone for me who had very similar values and goals, likes and abilities, who had a very good heart and who loved me (which was pretty unthinkable considering how I can get). I chose to love him back and we are happy together.

I don't know what you believe in, but YOU seem to know what you believe; don't change your goals and don't settle-don't give in to pressure to give up your ideals and make do with what you have, you are certainly not lacking in options. Don't let your age or your biology get in your way-medical science and women today are able to do a lot more than ever before. I feel for you and I know you can make good choices.

 

[CityGirlintheCountry]

Citygirl, i hear what you are saying,. i see that a LOT also...and it makes me sick to see.
But its those women that SETTLE for that type of man..
I just never settled for it... (i'm a stubborn jack wagon)
If a guy was doing something that i didnt like,..he knew it and knew it fast. I just simply didnt tolerate any BS from them for long. I ALWAYS figured i would rather be single then be tied down to some jerk wad every day of my life and be miserable inside. I honestly didnt think i would ever marry... because i just couldnt settle for "any" jerk guy like most of friends were doing...
Had to kiss a lot of frogs... but i finally met my husband. And i just KNEW that he was the one. And after 8 years he still treats me the same way as when we met.

So it doesnt have to be the way you mention... its all in what you'll settle for in life.
And theres NOTHING wrong with staying single either... its better than living the miserable life i see so many of my friends in with jerk wad husbands...

Yup. I've never been willing to put up with stupidness. I'm sure that's why I'm still single. I am happy to take care of those I love, but not be a doormat. In the case of my friend who worked all day and then had to come home and do all the chores, I would have thrown a quiet, but effective fit. Actually, I would have told hunny he needed to pick up a second job since he was sitting on his butt two days out of three. When she was a SAHM she did everything, including dealing with three preschoolers. He should be picking up the slack now that she is working full time. Instead she is killing herself while he reads and watches TV.
What really irritates me is that these are smart, clever women. Does marriage blind you? Pre-wedding they never would have put up with being treated like this. Now they just accept that it is par for the course. Pooey on that!

Sourland- your son and SIL sound wonderful. Clearly you raised your son right that he is so responsible and raised your daughter right that she won't tolerate irresponsibility. And I love that YOU take care of your wife.

 

[bkreugar]

Perhaps I am missing the point (or I'm just cranky), but I am starting to question why any woman gets married ever. Pretty much all of my married friends are worse off than before they married (and their husbands are way better off!!). From what I can tell, getting married for the woman means that the "I'll dote on you" years of having a boyfriend turn into having to do all the chores, raise the kids AND work a full time job, while the husband pretty much just goes to work and comes home to do his own thing. When the husband does randomly do some chore he expects a medal.

If it were just one friend or family member I would think that they got a dud, but it is pretty much every married couple of my generation. My parents' generation seems to be different. I went on a business trip this past week with a coworker and his wife (both in their mid-60s). The husband opened the car door for her both in and out, dropped us off at the door so we wouldn't have to walk in the freezing cold, carried her luggage for her (except for the lightest bag), got her coffee and snacks before he got his own, made sure that all her needs were seen to before his, and just generally was concerned about her welfare before he was concerned with his. (She also takes care of him in small, but consistently sweet ways.) In further talks I found out that their whole married life she has cooked the meals (she's a fabulous cook), but he has always done the dishes since she hates doing them. It was the sweetest thing watching them interact.

By comparison, a close friend is married to a guy that works 24 on/48 off. The other day she came home from teaching at 6pm (an almost 11 hour day at work) and had to run to the store on the way home to get ingredients for dinner. She dashed in the house with the three kids, got them started on baths and homework while she put together dinner and did some cleaning and started a load of laundry. She rushed around until she collapsed in bed at 10pm. Her husband? He had been off all day doing whatever and NOT doing chores. He's "scared" to wash the kids things. Supposedly he does the dishes, but she generally gets fed up with a sink full of dirty dishes and no clean dishes in the house and just does them.

She is not the only one. ALL of my friends do this. I fail to see why they don't kick their husbands tushes.

So I question why any woman in their right mind gets married. I'm old and single. I do all my cleaning and cooking and laundry. I do the yard chores or hire them done. I work a full time job and pay my own bills. If I got married apparently I would still have to do all that AND take care of all those chores for someone else too. The only benefit I can see is that marriage gets you is companionship and perhaps a little "loving", but there are other ways to accomplish both of those.

So other than the ephemeral "I luuuuvvvvv youuuuu" Valentine's day thing, I am beginning to question the whole deal. A boyfriend makes sense. A husband does not.

I am 40 , been married for 20 years in a few months. What Countrygirl has noticed was what I SAW and heard ~BOYS~ talking about being the expected norm. I thought WHY, would I ever want to get married if that was the deal??? I did not expect to get married. Dh isn't perfect but he does ANYTHING I ask. My number one priority for ME was I would never marry anyone who wouldn't help me carry "the load" whatever that may be.

Their are ups and downs in any marriage, if you think you need to have that "in love" feeling all the time, THAT is a good reason why so many divorce. In 20 years there are times I have NOT been happy in the relationship for various stretches of time. BUT it DOES come back.

Other reason I married is it was very important to ME to not have children out of wedlock. I am not a devoutly religous person, but this was still important to me. Was important to BOTH of us to be married a good while before children. We were married for 6 years before we had my daughter. We got engaged within 6 months of knowing each other and he was ADAMANT no long engagement, so we were married before a year.

He is NOT like what country girl has observed. The few times I have been really sick (kidney stones, bedridden etc, ) he took over everything. I KNOW he loves me cause he does special little things like put away my banties if I come home after dark. I don't even ask he just has it done. Sickest I ever ever was they at first didn't know if it was appendicitis or stones as I had strange symptoms but I could not stand for more than a minute or so without feeling faint. So after struggling thru weekend thinking it was a kidney INFECTION, the doc said I needed to RUSH to ER for several tests. I looked like HELL. I asked DH if he would wash my oily nasty hair before we went to hospital. He said yes but are you SURE you want to waste time with that when they think they ay need to rush you to surgery?? He's a good guy. But key is knowing what is important to you and finding a spouse who meets that criteria.

When the kids were babies, we worked oppisites so as not to have daycare.He changed just as many diapers as I did, but he REALLY wanted kids and I was more unsure. So he was totally ready, commited and excited. It was not a surprise for him.

I think you just have to know what you are looking for and not settle, or go just for physical attraction.

 

[bkreugar]

That's just it. The men of my generation don't ever seem to tend to the needs of their wives first. It does work if you are tending to her needs and she is tending to yours. That's what I see in the older generations. For some reason all of the men in my generation seem to expect that their wife will do everything and that they get to coast.

I'm not saying that the husband and wife take care of the same chores in the household. What I'm saying is that there should be some balance. Most marriages I see are completely lopsided in the man's favor and they never balance out the other way. Most of the women I know are tired and worn out and would love a little help. Having a husband often seems like having another child to take care of. In the case of my friend the other day, her husband sat at home all day reading and watching TV. Dinner should have been on the table when she got home. The house should have been picked up. Laundry and dishes should have been done. Instead, she had to come in and cook, so dinner was late. She had to rush around getting chores done and then she fell into bed. This woman has been exhausted since the first kid arrived 9 years ago. How is her husband taking care of her needs? It's this way with every married couple I know of my generation.

Whereas, my friends in dating relationships get pampered and cared for. Their concerns are heard and the guy falls all over himself to make them happy. (The women are of course doing the same for their boyfriends.) Why does this end with the "I do"?

I truly think it is because they were brought up with the "new feminism" which sure seems to be a raw deal for most women. Sure she gets equal pay (sometimes) but mostly it seems like SHE just had to do many more things, and they guy just did the same as he always did. Just my oppinion, but I too see what you are talking about. Perhaps these are a large portion of men that were brought up with single mothers and never had a guy role model in the house? And as to the wearing herself out off course then you have the guy saying " YOU never pay attention to ME, you put kids, house, job etc first". They just don't get WHY she is worn out!

 

[bkreugar]

Yup. I've never been willing to put up with stupidness. I'm sure that's why I'm still single. I am happy to take care of those I love, but not be a doormat. In the case of my friend who worked all day and then had to come home and do all the chores, I would have thrown a quiet, but effective fit. Actually, I would have told hunny he needed to pick up a second job since he was sitting on his butt two days out of three. When she was a SAHM she did everything, including dealing with three preschoolers. He should be picking up the slack now that she is working full time. Instead she is killing herself while he reads and watches TV.
What really irritates me is that these are smart, clever women. Does marriage blind you? Pre-wedding they never would have put up with being treated like this. Now they just accept that it is par for the course. Pooey on that!

Sourland- your son and SIL sound wonderful. Clearly you raised your son right that he is so responsible and raised your daughter right that she won't tolerate irresponsibility. And I love that YOU take care of your wife.

Perhaps she is commited to staying married until the kids are grown because she fears what it would be like to raise them alone. Perhaps she fears being alone financially. Perhaps he wasn't behind her getting a job BECAUSE he didn;t want to pull more of the load. Maybe she just hasn't reached the end of her rope... YET.

 

[EweSheep]

I love the thread here and that was exactly how I felt.

Believe it or not, waiting for two years (with seven years total before marriage), I decided I want to get married, have kids, have a family of my own. My boyfriend (now hubby) didn't see any rush of getting married and didn't think we HAVE to get married. Sure I agreed with him but a change of heart, soul and mind, I was ready for the REAL commitment and wanted to live my life WITH him.

So, I took my chances and told him how I felt at this point in my life, my goals, my expectations and what I want out of my life and what I want from him.

So I told him if I don't get any hints or motativation to get married, I am moving on to someone else who has the same thoughts, same goals and wanting a family. AND get old together that means, rocking on our front porch, feeding ourselves applesauce, holding hands and remembering the "old days" we had endured over the years. THAT probably scared him and made him realized that a good woman like myself is "moving on" to the next goal in life. I let him think on that but I was not going to wait around for his answer.

It was not long when he popped the question. I was elated! And we made plans on getting married, places to go, friends to ask for the honor of attending to our wedding, etc.

No regrets at all! Sometimes guys needs to wake up and smell the coffee when a good woman has a goal she wants to achieve. And I was not getting any younger either.

I can see your dilemma, I'd be out of sorts in your position, After dating my husband for a year and a half I was looking at the callendar every day waiting for that proposal-I knew it was coming (we admitted to eachother in the first couple months of dating that we'd get married, I knew in the first week) but man I was impatient and I wanted to get a family started asap with him. Thats what I have always wanted, a carreer as a wife and mom.

I think its only fair to examine your end of the relationship and figure out your next move and fast-you want to get on with life and take the next step.Thats clearly your goal and its a worthy one. I'm with ya, I feel impatient for you-and boy do I hope you get out and move on or I hope that your guy is the right guy and just hopelessly clueless. You're in a tough place-but be brutally honest with yourself and don't settle for less than your highest standards.

By the way, I did not marry just for love, or for convenience, or even because I'm a Christian and I believe in Biblical marriage...I married because I set aside my feelings and observed the facts-I was honest with myself too. Of course I loved my husband to be, but it was more important to me what we held in common, because feelings are driven by choices and emotions (and I know I make wrong choices all too often). Emotions are disposable; just watch a dramatic movie and your emotions will jump all over the chart in less than 2 hours. To me, letting emotions alone guide one of the most important decisions in my life would be too risky.
I didn't romanticize marriage either. I knew it would be a full time job, and that it has its benefits and caveats. I walked into the institution with my eyes open and knowing things could get messy, ugly and bleak...that I'd be suffering at times-however, I knew the positives I could get out of marriage--and for me that made getting married a good risk to take.
I was very fortunate, God made someone for me who had very similar values and goals, likes and abilities, who had a very good heart and who loved me (which was pretty unthinkable considering how I can get). I chose to love him back and we are happy together.

I don't know what you believe in, but YOU seem to know what you believe; don't change your goals and don't settle-don't give in to pressure to give up your ideals and make do with what you have, you are certainly not lacking in options. Don't let your age or your biology get in your way-medical science and women today are able to do a lot more than ever before. I feel for you and I know you can make good choices.

 

[punk-a-doodle]

Quote: Excellent advice...though so very scary to go through! Communication seems to be a trait that is so important in the happy relationships and marriages I've seen, so maybe try to look at it as experience for a happy marriage. Whether or not this guy ends up being the one, you'll be that much more ready.

Quote: Elderly couples are..the cutest thing ever to me. Make sure you post photos when you guys get there. <3