You might be a redneck if ...

[Spookwriter]

Funny and sad at the same time...

I'm guilty of more than a few of these. Plus some other things that
have clearly marked my spot in the family history...

My first '"suspenders" were indeed made from baling twine.

My friend and I put his canoe in our swimming pool so we could practice
how to use it. (and not turn over.) We were even fishing...

I painted my first car with a brush. After watching me, my brother painted
his with a paint roller. (next time, I bet we mask the chrome off)

Speaking of my brother... some lessons we learned the hard way...

Growing up, our dad was a truck driver. So we had old semi-tires as "toys".
One of us would curl up inside the tire, and the other would roll it around
the yard. Rolling my brother around the yard one time, I lost control of it...
He rolled over the hill and hit a tree...knocked him out cold. We left him
lay...

Lazy boys and a snow sled... no one likes pulling the sled back up the
hill. But us...we're smarter than most people. So we tied a rope the
sled, make pulling it back up the hill easier.

Didn't work out as planned.

At the end of the rope, the sled made a sudden stop.

We didn't...

Sadly, we never seemed to learn when to quit...

We built us a "clubhouse" in an old root cellar. Even made ourself
one of those pot-belly stoves out of an old oil drum. Cut us a door,
made sure it fit fir nice and tight. Filled it full of coal and fired it up.
Only thing we forgot was to actually VENT it.

Yep, it got nice and hot...and blew up. Our clubhouse was on fire.
That was that...

Sometimes I think my brother's a little slow...

It runs in the family... (we have no limit on stupidity here)

We were "learning" to drive my uncles Kenworth one time. He didn't
know we were learning...uncle wasn't there. (This will teach him to
leave his keys in the truck) Anyway, we got it stuck in a ditch. Could be
because we didn't know how to actually drive a big truck.

We looked this over and know we're gonna get in trouble...

But what happened next was a whole lot worse... one of those
"family storys" that won't go away.

It was me, my brother, and our cousin. It was his daddy's truck we
ran in a ditch. And he knows he's in real trouble. Me and my brother...
we can go home.

So he got his daddy's BRAND-NEW chevrolet pickup we weren't
supposed to be driving either, to pull the Kenworth out. So we tried
and we tried. But the truck was stuck.

We decided we just needed more force. We can get this truck out
of the ditch, put it back and act like nothing ever happend.

So we went back and got us a longer chain...much longer.

We're gonna get us a run and go...the sudden jerk will pull the
Kenworth outta the ditch...

Wrong again. But there was a sudden jerk...

It was when we ripped the back bumper right off of our uncle's
brand new pickup.

It was still connected to the chain when my dad and uncle got home.
There it was...just laying in the road.

Don't guess they make bumpers like they use to.



You got this far...I'll share one more famous "brother' story with
you. This one happened after we adults...done grown and married.
He should of knowed better...

We were digging 'taters at mom and dads. We were done digging
when my brother got there. So I got on the farm tractor, mom got in
the wagon to ride up the hill. Mom and dad live on top of the hill, the
garden is in the bottom.

So we start up the hill...I'm driving, mom's in the wagon and my dad
and brother are walking beside us. We get almost to the top of the
hill and my brother ask's "What's this handle for?" and pulls it...

It was a dump-wagon...my brother had just dumped our load of
'taters --and our mom-- out.

The 'taters --and our mom-- went rolling down the hill.

And do you know that the really sad thing is? These storys aren't
the worse of it.

There has truely been no limit on our stupidity.

I was 17 or so...we were going to show dad how grown up we
were. My brother and I were going to go to town, buy us some
calfs at the auction, and raise them and sell them. Gonna make
money.

We are MEN.

So...we borrowed moms new station wagon to haul them in.

Bought us four little herford calfs, and after the sale we backed
into the ramp to load new cows.

You know how it is at the livestock auction...everybody standing
around watching everybody else.

So these farmer-types are doing their thing...dirty old farm trucks
loading cows.

I backed moms new station wagon in there with them and jump
out to load the calfs my brother is guarding. Don't even think
about my leaving the drivers door open...

I'm back there, shoving these four calfs in the tailgate. They
jumped over the seat, out the door and ran down the street...

Yep, those farmers were laughing so hard they forgot to help
us as my brother and I chased our calfs down the street...


No limit....

 

[Spookwriter]

My poor wife...she's done her own share of stupid...

Like every good countyboy, Spook use to have a coupla
of them four-wheelers. Had us some jumps built out in the
woods. Me and my brother would rip it up...

My wife was scared of them from the start.

So she ended up with a nice, safe golf-cart...

One day, she got brave and thought she would "jump"
her golf cart like we did the four wheelers.

It didn't work like she planned. Golf carts are heavy and slow.
It went up the jump...and when the drove the front wheels over,
it was stuck.

Took a farm tractor and a boom pole to get it home. Bent it in the
middle...

Bad wife...


Have you got time for one more before I go to bed?

Sometimes people wonder if I'm normal...(I don't know why)

I was at a cousins funeral a few weeks ago. Been a hard year
on the whole family. Anyway...everyone here knows I'm the
Halloween man? Lot of props.

I've got a nice corpse.

So I'm a the the family graveyard early. All by myself. Looking
at this fresh dug grave. I mean it's the nicest grave I've ever
seen. Just so nice and square. And clean. I mean there wasn't
a lump of dirt. Perfect grave...(dirt was on a wagon, parked out
of sight.)

And it crosses my mind that THIS would be the perfect spot to
"hide" my corpse. As sad as I was to be burying my cousin, I'm
laughing to myself. He would of gotten a kick out of me putting
a dummy in his grave. I could just imagine the shock the family
would of gotten when they all came out to bury Danny and found
my "dead-guy" already in the hole.

**I didn't do it out of respect for my whole family. But it would of
sure been funny. And Danny would of been right there with me.
We had a lot of good times together.

 

[Spookwriter]

Good memories...

One more, and I'm going to bed. For real.

We had been out in the Broncos mud-running one time.

My two brothers were in one Bronco, and me and my brothers
brother-in-law were in his Bronco. (I had two brothers, lost one
many years ago)

Anyway, we had been out mud running. And there's a creek we
drive out and set in to let the water wash some of the heavy mud
away.

You pull out there, and you're setting on a ledge.

Jimmy and I drove out there first. When my brothers get there,
they go to pull out beside us...

And drove off the ledge.

Bronco sinks...water is coming in over the doors where they have
the windows down. They're just setting there with their heads sticking
out of the water.

That was funny.

(We had to pull them out and pull them all the way home.)

 

[BusyBlonde]

Spook, I needed that today!!! I love your stories, could read them all day.

Thank you for the laughter and fond memories. I'm the oldest of six kids raised in the country, and we did a lot of stupid , er, creative things to keep ourselves entertained. A couple of your stories hit awfully close to home.

 

[sourland]

Spook, thanks for the stories.

 

[KristyHall]

I did this today. You go to one of the only gas stations in the area (They also sell feed, tools. rent out videos, and sell pizzas because out here no one has highs peed internet, reliably anyhow, without paying a fortune and no one wants to drive an hour round trip to get pizza, movies, or tools at the nearest store) to drop off a couple of movies you rented, and when you dig in your carhart coat pocket for your keys while standing at the cash register, you pull out a hand full of sweetfeed. The girl tending the register just nods knowingly and goes back to ringing you up while you hurriedly stuff the feed back in your pockets and retrieve your sticky keys.

 

[sourland]

Kristy, sweetfeed beats broken eggs in the Carhart pocket.

 

[KristyHall]

Quote:
Originally Posted by BaronRenfrew
you're a redneck if:

....you stop the lawnmower to catch grasshoppers for your birds

I've done that for my spiders

.... you refuse to fill in the potholes in your drive way to keep visitors from driving too fast

Oh yeah

.... Jehovah's witnesses show up and you throw them a pair of gloves because there's another load of hay in the back field

No but the last time they showed up I was recovering from a black widow bite while hosting a gathering for my friends from the powwow trail so they walked into a bunch of Natives in regalia, to talk to me who was still in my pajamas looking pale but refusing to call the gathering off. They started asking me about wanting a one world government and I don't remember much else, I was sick as heck, but after everyone else speaking up about how we have enough problems with the government we do have, they left quickly.

.... you can't remember the last time you took a walk through your woods without holding a chainsaw or a shotgun

Does a buck knife and a net count...?

.... the truck that's no longer roadworthy is still farmworthy

yup

.... your rooster doesn't wake you up but does wake up anybody else who stays the night

If the pig doesn't wake you up first, demanding breakfast.

.... its special garbage day in town and you fill up your car with stuff

We call this "Lacon"

.... you see a mouse in the kitchen and watch it with amusement before setting up a trap (true story, the mouse took a piece of burnt toast from the chicken scraps pot, and pulled it up the brick wall, and tried for half an hour to pull it into the mousehole above the doorframe)

well.. can't say I did that, usually my dogs and chickens would eat it before it got far, the cats on the other hand are useless.

... your neighbour is parked in your driveway with a .22 after a groundhog, and you wave as you drive by

Yes, we called it Chuck and it ate everyone's garden that year. Someone nailed it with their car later that week.

.... you tell stories about how your momma saved a nearly drowned newborn calf that fell though the ice into the pond by dragging it into the kitchen and giving it brandy

No, but I use to keep baby possums in my bra, true story.

.... your nieghbour sees you biking home from school, and stops to say "throw your bike in the back and grab a beer, I'll drive you home" (ah the 80's)

noooooo, but I have randomly picked up relative's kids to take them home when they're trucks broke down or when the weather was miserable. no booze though. I'm a total buzz kill that way.


.... drinkin and drivin was no big deal, they just slapped the horse and he took you home

They'll arrest the horse too...

.... when you prefer to "water the garden" than use the toilet

That's ok, I prefer a toilet seat over getting my shoes wet.

.... when you know what a black bear smells like

Ugh, a WET black bear

.... when you actually killed something and ate it (instead of it coming in a package)

Best fast food around!

 

[KristyHall]

Kristy, sweetfeed beats broken eggs in the Carhart pocket.

Are you speaking from experience?

 

[Spookwriter]

I'm a big Jeff Foxworthy fan. Pretty much a fan of any
clean comedy. l love laughter, love being around people
who always see the funny side of life.

That being said, I enjoyed this thread. Even the part where
I added a few things from my younger days. What precious
memories they are.

I'd really like to say that I've learned better as I've grown older.

But...that would be kinda like lying.

Did I ever mention that I set our front porch on fire last year playing
with fireworks? It really wasn't my fault. Who knew fireworks could
actually CAUSE a fire?

But enough of my stupidity.

It's time for "I showed you mine, now show me yours".

Put your own hilarious tidbits here. Show me I'm not alone in the
I shoulda known better department.

Let us laugh at each other together, as good friends should.