Yeah, I think the lack of sleep this week and all my sweet teas has definitely been doing it ha idk why I haven’t been sleeping but it’s annoying and I gotta figure it out. I seem to stay up late and wake up early and not be able to fall back asleep. Maybe I just need to start going to bed earlier haha although I can’t always get to sleep right away even then. Or if I do sleep it feels like I haven’t.And at least twice now I’ve fallen asleep with my light on. I guess I stayed up pretty late, maybe thinking or something, and just passed out. Woke up early to the light on and never went back to sleep.
Thank you. I am feeling more confident now that I am gonna make it. And oddly I saw a lot of posts on Twitter today that were exactly what I needed to see/read haha so that was helpful.
And I even started looking into therapists haha today was a lot better. Clearly.
Didn’t get far into it but found a website that lists a bunch so was reading some of their profiles and found a few that looked cool. Nice enough I mean. Next step: actually calling them and trying to get an appointment or at least try a bunch of different ones to see if I like any or doing the phone consultation thing or whatever, idk, however it works to get it going/actually see one. But I don’t think I’ll get to that next step anytime soon.
I just hate talking on the phone anyway let alone to make a therapy appointment lol
I don’t even make any of my own appointments as is like doctor and dentist and stuff.
Course we all see the same ones and have for years so they know my parents so my mom usually just does it since they know her and it’s easy but still. Really should do it myself but ehh. Probably will eventually if and when I get a new doctor.
But for real, I won’t even make a freaking hair appointment! Ha my hair’s needed to be cut for months. Wanted my mom to do it and she keeps forgetting. And I won’t. Horrible anxiety talking on phones. And in general. But on phones it is worse. And I also tend to mumble and kind of stammer and/or talk really really quietly and just generally be incomprehensible.plus I just hate it. So I just don’t do it. I do it with family cause I have to but even then I don’t like it and try to get off the phone as quickly as possible most of the time haha with close friends I will cause I am much more comfortable with that and even enjoy talking to some of my really good friends on the phone or on FaceTime or whatever. But usually I hate talking on the phone except for those limited circumstances.
Anyway, I also don’t want my family to know I’m trying to find a therapist so I can’t ask them to call. Well, I think they kind of already know, we all agreed we should all see one. So they know I want one but we haven’t talked about it in a while. So they don’t know I’m looking or anything. And I don’t want them to. And besides, I don’t want someone trying to tell them what my issues are or leaving certain stuff out so I’d rather just do it myself and be honest so I can find the right one. And fast.
But I hate phones so I have a feeling that won’t get done...
Most of them do offer email too but I’m afraid I’m way too long winded for that.
And besides.... it involves feelings.... and emotions.... and sharing them.... not so great with that... I mean, on here and online I kind of am, idk, easier with strangers I guess, but even then, most people don’t know everything, and even though you can’t see it through a screen, even just talking about it and typing it gives me some anxiety too. I guess it’s because I’m actually thinking about it and bringing the bad shit up instead of burying it but I get all fidgety and weird and get all tight in the chest. ****, I could barely even tell my best friend growing up about my SH. I don’t even know when I told her. I think I only told her when she kind of started figuring stuff out herself senior year so then I had to. But even then, I invited her over and we went for a walk in the woods around our house and sat on a log out there but I wouldn’t sit down at first, kept pacing around, wouldn’t even look at her. I finally did sit down but still wouldn’t really look and was all fidgety. I finally did tell her but it took me literally probably like at least an hour to finally spit it out. I wanted to but every time I started to say it or get to the important part, I would get all weird and nervous and stop. Idk, it’s awkward and uncomfortable to me and I hate talking about stuff so I would just freeze up. It was really hard to talk about and I think I was a little scared. Idk. I just couldn’t get the words out. I finally did but I’m just not good with that stuff. And that was my best friend. And then there were a bunch of people in college I struggled to tell too, roommates and friends and stuff. I did start to tell one once but I don’t think I ever actually did. Idk.
I did have an amazing best friend/roommate though. We’re still friends and more like sisters ha she’s amazing and really gets me and she’s so nice. She really helped me a ton too because I was going through a lot of stuff back but she still wanted to be my friend. But even with her it took me a while to get comfortable enough to tell her anything and even after I did, there was still a lot of stuff I lied about and covered up and didn’t tell her. Usually to avoid upsetting her. But we were together practically all the time and she would just sit with me and hang out most of the time. We’d watch movies or go to eat or draw or whatever. Just hang out and keep me company. And we talked a lot too once we were close enough. About most anything really. Lots of normal funny random friend stuff but also had quite a few serious talks too. I was really struggling at the time and had only just recently gotten clean so she really helped me a lot. She even would write me letters/notes ha I still have some of them and read them when I’m feeling down. And usually cry.
Anyway, there goes the verbal diarrhea again.
My original point and very long winded way of saying this was that feelings are sometimes hard for me so that combined with the phone call/anxiety thing and not wanting anyone to know or call for me, I’m not sure I’ll ever call.
I also have a history of saying I want to go to therapy and then flaking.
Even when I had free therapy at my last school I didn’t go. I almost did a couple times and some since then that’s not free but every time I wanted to go I would either chicken out and get scared and not go or I would convince myself I didn’t need it anymore. One time I was clean for over a year so I told myself I didn’t need it since I had been doing well being clean. Yeah..... I broke 2 months past the year mark. So much for not needing help, right?
Yet I would come up with every reason under the sun why I didn’t and why I was fine. A load of horse rubbish.
I’m just worried I’ll do the same this time.
And I needed it way more then yet still didn’t.
So I’m pretty scared I’ll do the same as well as very scared about going.
Sorry, I know this was VERY long winded and VERY awkward/negative.
Oh and I am very glad we all have each other too. I love all of you guys.
X2to everyone.
What is this Broadchurch show that I've seen ya'll talk about? What kind of show is it? As in, drama, suspense, sci-fi, thriller, etc? Does it have zombies? Seems like that is the craze since The Walking Dead came out. I don't do zombies.Not exactly chipper but...what do you think of Broadchurch so far
And also
My hubby just started watching The Santa Clarita Diet with Drew Barrymore and that Olyphant dude. Not sure if I spelled his name right. He likes him as an actor and when he was in Justified. Anyway, Hubby thinks the show is hilarious. I won't watch it. Not even though it is supposed to be a comedy and not scary. I just can't. So what kind of show is Broadchurch?
Oh K.. you’re lucky I like reading.Yeah, I think the lack of sleep this week and all my sweet teas has definitely been doing it ha idk why I haven’t been sleeping but it’s annoying and I gotta figure it out. I seem to stay up late and wake up early and not be able to fall back asleep. Maybe I just need to start going to bed earlier haha although I can’t always get to sleep right away even then. Or if I do sleep it feels like I haven’t.
Thank you. I am feeling more confident now that I am gonna make it. And oddly I saw a lot of posts on Twitter today that were exactly what I needed to see/read haha so that was helpful.
And I even started looking into therapists haha today was a lot better. Clearly.
Didn’t get far into it but found a website that lists a bunch so was reading some of their profiles and found a few that looked cool. Nice enough I mean. Next step: actually calling them and trying to get an appointment or at least try a bunch of different ones to see if I like any or doing the phone consultation thing or whatever, idk, however it works to get it going/actually see one. But I don’t think I’ll get to that next step anytime soon.
I just hate talking on the phone anyway let alone to make a therapy appointment lol
I don’t even make any of my own appointments as is like doctor and dentist and stuff.
Course we all see the same ones and have for years so they know my parents so my mom usually just does it since they know her and it’s easy but still. Really should do it myself but ehh. Probably will eventually if and when I get a new doctor.
But for real, I won’t even make a freaking hair appointment! Ha my hair’s needed to be cut for months. Wanted my mom to do it and she keeps forgetting. And I won’t. Horrible anxiety talking on phones. And in general. But on phones it is worse. And I also tend to mumble and kind of stammer and/or talk really really quietly and just generally be incomprehensible.
Anyway, I also don’t want my family to know I’m trying to find a therapist so I can’t ask them to call. Well, I think they kind of already know, we all agreed we should all see one. So they know I want one but we haven’t talked about it in a while. So they don’t know I’m looking or anything. And I don’t want them to. And besides, I don’t want someone trying to tell them what my issues are or leaving certain stuff out so I’d rather just do it myself and be honest so I can find the right one. And fast.
But I hate phones so I have a feeling that won’t get done...
Most of them do offer email too but I’m afraid I’m way too long winded for that.
And besides.... it involves feelings.... and emotions.... and sharing them.... not so great with that... I mean, on here and online I kind of am, idk, easier with strangers I guess, but even then, most people don’t know everything, and even though you can’t see it through a screen, even just talking about it and typing it gives me some anxiety too. I guess it’s because I’m actually thinking about it and bringing the bad shit up instead of burying it but I get all fidgety and weird and get all tight in the chest. ****, I could barely even tell my best friend growing up about my SH. I don’t even know when I told her. I think I only told her when she kind of started figuring stuff out herself senior year so then I had to. But even then, I invited her over and we went for a walk in the woods around our house and sat on a log out there but I wouldn’t sit down at first, kept pacing around, wouldn’t even look at her. I finally did sit down but still wouldn’t really look and was all fidgety. I finally did tell her but it took me literally probably like at least an hour to finally spit it out. I wanted to but every time I started to say it or get to the important part, I would get all weird and nervous and stop. Idk, it’s awkward and uncomfortable to me and I hate talking about stuff so I would just freeze up. It was really hard to talk about and I think I was a little scared. Idk. I just couldn’t get the words out. I finally did but I’m just not good with that stuff. And that was my best friend. And then there were a bunch of people in college I struggled to tell too, roommates and friends and stuff. I did start to tell one once but I don’t think I ever actually did. Idk.
I did have an amazing best friend/roommate though. We’re still friends and more like sisters ha she’s amazing and really gets me and she’s so nice. She really helped me a ton too because I was going through a lot of stuff back but she still wanted to be my friend. But even with her it took me a while to get comfortable enough to tell her anything and even after I did, there was still a lot of stuff I lied about and covered up and didn’t tell her. Usually to avoid upsetting her. But we were together practically all the time and she would just sit with me and hang out most of the time. We’d watch movies or go to eat or draw or whatever. Just hang out and keep me company. And we talked a lot too once we were close enough. About most anything really. Lots of normal funny random friend stuff but also had quite a few serious talks too. I was really struggling at the time and had only just recently gotten clean so she really helped me a lot. She even would write me letters/notes ha I still have some of them and read them when I’m feeling down. And usually cry.
Anyway, there goes the verbal diarrhea again.
My original point and very long winded way of saying this was that feelings are sometimes hard for me so that combined with the phone call/anxiety thing and not wanting anyone to know or call for me, I’m not sure I’ll ever call.
I also have a history of saying I want to go to therapy and then flaking.
Even when I had free therapy at my last school I didn’t go. I almost did a couple times and some since then that’s not free but every time I wanted to go I would either chicken out and get scared and not go or I would convince myself I didn’t need it anymore. One time I was clean for over a year so I told myself I didn’t need it since I had been doing well being clean. Yeah..... I broke 2 months past the year mark. So much for not needing help, right?
Yet I would come up with every reason under the sun why I didn’t and why I was fine. A load of horse rubbish.
I’m just worried I’ll do the same this time.
And I needed it way more then yet still didn’t.
So I’m pretty scared I’ll do the same as well as very scared about going.
Sorry, I know this was VERY long winded and VERY awkward/negative.
Oh and I am very glad we all have each other too. I love all of you guys.
X2
British crime/mystery/drama.
Which was nice. So it was almost 50% savings on the original price. I know prefab coops aren't the greatest but I knew we were going to need it. It supposedly holds 18-20 birds. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I swear, it should be illegal for them to advertise such nonsense. I didn't know any better when I first got my chickens, hence the first itty bitty coop from when I first started my chicken obsession. But since they are free range all day long, it is a decent size for 8 birds just to sleep and lay in. Quite the difference to what they are in now. I still have to clean up around the yard and tweak it some. We need to put silicone over all of the nail holes. Hubby told me, "Ok, no more coops! We're done!" I told him that I am hoping that it will last a few yrs. At that point, if we do another coop, I want it to be a self built 10x12 or 12x12 walk-in type building that will house everyone together. That way we can get rid of the cheaper ones and use the coop that the 10 birds are in (the one we actually built last summer, not a prefab) as the hospital or brooder or whatever we need it to be. We'll figure it out as time goes by.
Well, I invited hubby’s family over on a whim for dinner tonight. He’s working every day this week but it was the only day that kind of worked for his birthday.
I haven’t slept and I’m trying to find energy to clean the house, vacuum, mow the lawn, finish the laundry, go grocery shopping, find a birthday cake, and make dinner.
I just can’t.
