A long, bad rant - need to talk to someone.

[Lunachick]

Sumi - just when you think you're drowning and you can't keep afloat, is when things will change for the better for you.

I hope this holds true for you & your family. Many

Man, that woman sounds like an ogre

 

[sumi]

Thanks lunachick, I didn't think I still had a laugh in me, you surprised me
I keep telling myself things will get better, you know, there's this old saying about when night's at it's darkest, it's near daybreak. But lately the moment I think things can only get better now the next thing goes wrong. A day or two with no negativity, no worry, no MIL, no sadness would be nice... We could do with a little break.

I've spent hours and hours sitting with my little Joy. She's barely eating, drank a little water. I'm so torn up about her. Think she may have suffered a stroke. Poor thing. I've cried my eyes out a few times today, but she's still here, every now and then has this little fit and I think that's it, but then she recovers. She's very sleepy, just sits with me, she can barely stand. I can tell she's not in pain, she makes these little sounds now and then to tell me she's happy. But I'm feeling completely sick about her. It's been a terrible day so far, not knowing what's going to happen in the next hour. Not knowing how much time we have left. She's always been part of our family, she's like our baby. It's weird not seeing her around the house, jumping up and down next to the couch when I'm sitting here, wanting to be picked up. Running around me talking to me, or laying on the sun squinting up at me...

Please tell me joke someone. So I can stop crying.

 

[cassie]

This is something to consider. Child Protective Services just recently removed the children from a home simply because there was no running water and adequate plumbing. Because of a series of financial reverses the family was living in a storage facility. By all accounts their quarters seemed better than yours. They had electricity and central heat and air. It is fine to leave at a future time, but you really need to take care of yourselves right now. Move into the guest house. Don't ask her. Just do it. If it were me, when she throws a fit I would hand her a broom and tell her to fly away. I really would. Your family is your first priority and you have just as much right to the property as she does. I don't understand why she has been allowed to run roughshod over you all this time but this has gone on long enough. As things stand now losing your child is a real possibility. It really is. You cannot let that happen.

In today's economy, real estate in most areas is simply not moving. And even if you did find a potential buyer, your MIL can make things so difficult that a sale would be impossible.

 

[sumi]

I usually avoid saying this, because I've been getting a funny attitude from people, but we're South African. Or at least I am. 1000's of people here live like this and worse. We're an exception, because we're white. But the government and social services couldn't care less.
I've been tempted to move into the main house, but it's right next door to MIL and if she loses her precious guesthouse she will make things even more hellish for us. This woman really is DIFFICULT. She's like the dentist, you avoid her and trouble with her at all cost.
She already thinks the world's come to an end when she lost her piggy bank (DH), so taking her guesthouse...
At the moment I prefer staying away from her, the further the better. There is no reasoning with her, DH tried. he spoke to her countless times. Nothing changed. So we've decided the best way is to part company. Needless to say she's very unhappy with the idea. DH told her why we decided to part company. Nothing changed. If anything she's worse.
Seeing her face light up when we tell her we're sick, I'm making an effort not to cough in front of her! She gets so happy! Seeing her face when we make money and she wasn't included in the deal... And the things she says to me! This woman makes me sin, badly.
No, seriously, we need to move out of this country and leave her here.
And she can tell everyone how terrible we're being. I just don't care. And thankfully, neither does DH.

You guys are good therapists.

 

[love_a_duck]

Hello dear sumi,

You are South African? It seems strange you would get a funny attitude from people,
but I have no experience living in South Africa.
I hope you are able to improve your living conditions for your family.

I am a recovering alcoholic, and I can tell you that trying to be reasonable with your MIL will not work.
If she is drinking and taking pills, she is not thinking clearly at all. Anything that she sees as a threat to her addiction
will be dealt with harshly. If she has been doing this for many years, I can understand why your DH finds it hard to leave.

This might sound off the wall, but (i think) both of you could benefit from reading about being codependent.
Look up some forums maybe, and do some reading.
When both of you can give up your expectations of your MIL becoming a kind, understanding, and compassionate person,
then you can use your energy to get away.

I am praying for better days for you.

Beth

 

[sumi]

Thanks, Beth. S.A. has a bad rep at the moment, things aren't so great here, which is why we're joining the millions of expats. I'm looking forward to making a new start somewhere else. With DH being British we've decided on the U.K.
MIL is addicted to pills and she drinks, like I said. I've felt kinda torn between wanting to make sure she's o.k. first and just wanting to get the heck out of here. She's made the decision easier... I often ask myself why I still care, I am weird.
DH and I talked about this lots and we've come to an agreement that we're happy with. It's hard for him, as he's worried about her, but things are so impossible that he decided to just let her go and put his family first. I respect that he cares about her, which is part of the reason I've put up with this all this time, but enough is enough. It's not easy for him, but the two of us don't work together.

 

[Evelle]

im sorry that your motherinlaw is treating you with such disrespect. if i was you id be looking for anything to leave under her. anything even a cheep 5th wheel in a rvpark it wouldnt be paradice but it would help alot with your situation. i lived in a 5th wheel on my inlaw property and things just escalated. we fought over everything but she never came stright to me about it always went to my husband. as soon as we and i didnt see her as much we got better. things are tough these days and im sorry your feeling the stress of all of it. and your doing a good job tring to do things to suport your son and family! keep tring things seem to work them selves out some how. its hard right now but im sure it will get easyer just stick with it. just remember you have a wonderful husband thats sticking by your side and a handsome little boy and thats all you need. try ignoring her maybe you react and she injoys it. idk. always be monotone with her soon hopefully she will get board and leave you alone.
hugs

 

[cassie]

When I made my post about Child Protective I made the assumption you were in the US. I know nothing about the social service agencies in South Africa. The UK sounds like a fine idea. The farther from her the better. Some people are just plain evil. That is just the way they are. BTW, don't let her make her problems yours. You cannot rescue someone who does not want to be rescued. I know. I tried. A good friend of mine, now deceased, who was a social worker for many years, told me that and she was right. I should have listened. She also said the best way to handle a temper tantrum is to simply not react and to walk away. It is no fun throwing a fit without an audience. If she comes to your house and becomes abusive, escort her out the door and tell her she is welcome to come back when she can be civil, not before. Repeat as often as necessary. Lock the door behind her. BTW, is there any way she could take out a second mortgage on the property so she could buy you out? Just a thought....

 

[sumi]

Don't worry, people sometimes ask me what state we live in. I've noticed most members here seem to be in the US.
MIL wanted to take out a loan for herself and put the farm up for security, but DH said no way. The farm's registered in both their names, so if she can't repay the loan they could both lose the farm. She cannot he held solely responsible for the loan. On paper DH is part of it, even if he doesn't borrow. The banks are ruthless here, friends of mine recently lost their house when the husband couldn't work for three months and when they explained the situation to the bank the bank basically told them it's not their problem.
I've taken to ignoring her most of the time, though she still sometimes gets me. The worst times is when we have to take her to a nearby town to go shopping. She can drive and she has a car, but you know, it's so nice when you have a driver...
On these trips she sometimes get a bit too vocal, making comments, especially on the things we buy. Heaven forbid we buy ourselves something nice! Recently we were sitting in the car waiting for DH who went to get her a pie. We bought the two available spinach and cheese pies at the shop as we're mostly vegetarian and she wanted one too, but when she got there they didn't have any left. She'll eat anything and their are lots of options available to her, but she wanted that pie and she made such a scene, DH almost gave her his pie and went without lunch. After about 4 hours listening to her perform about the pie we drove her back to the shop so DH can get her one and shut her up. While we waited for him I mentioned that we want to take our son to the dentist sometime as we've noticed he has a cavity in one tooth. She said very sarcastically "Oh, it's nice to have money to go to the dentist!" I was too stunned to respond.
She has lots of tooth problems and though she can afford to go to the dentist she doesn't want to spent the money. So she moans and moans about her teeth and when we suggest she goes to the dentist we get dirty looks. Does she want DH to pay for it???
Also quite recently she was moaning about her car which needed repairing. I said she should get it fixed. She looked me in the eye and said "You know, I really LOATH you sometimes!" In front of DH and my son! DH went to her afterwards and tore such a strip off her she behaved for awhile.
I asked him why he didn't say anything when it happened, but he was too shocked to think of a response. I had no such hassles. I looked at her, smiled and said "The feeling's mutual"
Joy passed away around 04:00. Slept with her in our bed, so I can be there for her. She was happy 'till the end. She really lived her name, that one.

 

[abbey808]

I am so sorry about Joy. I thought about you today and checked in to see if things had changed for the better. I am truly sorry about your sweet girl. My condolences.

Hugs!

Leigh