A Place for BYC Widows and Widowers

[wolftracks]

I've seen post the past couple of months from people who have lost their better halve and have had a hard time posting to them.

What do you say to someone who is going through this?

How do you help?

How do you get help?

I lost Bill July 12, 2010. We had plans and we were excited about the next day. We were going to have a better life and it was going to start that Monday. We spent hours Satuday and Sunday talking about what needed to be done so we could get back to our goals and have some fun. We hadn't just had fun or spent time traveling for things other than funerals for years. I had just lost my mom in April and may dad in May. I was scared I was going to lose more aand didn't think it was going to be that close again. I thought it would be something other than another death, but told him I didn't want him to wear himself out and be my 3rd. He smailed and said "I'm not going anywhere. It's you and me baby!".

I found him in the bathroom floor the next morning. Not 24 hours later! Still isn't really at time, but others it is more than real.

This is the thread I started about Bill

https://www.backyardchickens.com/forum/viewtopic.php?pid=4608326#p4608326

I visited 2 other sites today for "Widows". Funny how when you're growing up you think about being a fiance or wife, but never a "widow". I thought about that word 5 days after he was gone and I've been refered to as his widow once, at the VA office. What a horrible term. What a horrible position.

I read these sites today and although they were full of people who were going through the same things and they understood more than anyone else could, I have issues. I have had problems leaving my home. Shopping used to be my hobby, but I panic in lines and crowds and without Bill with me or to call on the phone and get me through it, I'm a basket case.

No insurance, so nothing and I've been cooped up at home for the past 4 years and it's a chore to get me out of it. I want to go out. I just can't. Now I have to start from scratch and figureout how I'm going to support us with the problems I have. I've also survived several stroke which caused my brain to hemorage and even lived through a brain tumor, but I can't walk out the door. I don't have my support any longer. He's gone!

I know there are several of us here on this forum. I thought maybe we could use this thread to talk and ask questions and work out problems that come up or just cry or vent. Maybe we can work together to get through this. It takes me some time to get comfortable even online. This is like home. My chickens have been theraputic for me and I since they've been that way for other things I thought maybe they could be part of this too. This forum is like family, so maybe as a family we can work together to get a part of our lives back and work to get our new lives going.

New lives...................hmmm thought I had just started that........I hope the new me does Bill justice.

Anyone else need to be here?

 

[vickibiro]

Hi Wolftracks - you aren't alone.

I found my husband dead out behind our chicken house he was building on June 12, 2010. I attempted to revive him, he didn't respond so I ran in the house to call 911. The company we had for the weekend immediately started CPR while I was on the phone. He never regained a pulse. I am told he suffered what is commonly referred to as "the widowmaker" it is a heart attacked caused by a clogged left ventricle that is usually fatal. The only consolation I have is that he went quickly, from what I am told he never felt a thing. I hope that's true. He was 47 years old and we had a lifetime of plans together.

I am left with two children still at home. The oldest is disabled with autism and the youngest is 12 years old, both boys. They are okay if I am okay, they both miss their Dad. My 12 year old has really stepped up as man of the house although he still is such a little boy.

I wish I had some words of wisdom for you, but I am only one month wiser than you at this point and still going through this hurricane of grief. What I do know is that everything has changed now. You will need to do some soul searching and find out what your purpose in life is now. You can do things you didn't think were possible, you can get those panic attacks under control. Life is possible even after the death of a spouse.

I had a choice to make when my husband died. Sell it all and move, anywhere and start over or stay here and continue on with the plans we had for this place. I decided to go with continuing with our dreams. I hope I can make them come true. It will be hard work but I know I would rather live with the failure than regret. So I have to try.

Take care of yourself and let others take care of you as well. It's been difficult for me to ask for help but I am finding my way through things and learning some things I never thought I would have to learn. Hang in there lady. Hugs, Vicki

 

[wolftracks]

I'm shaking like crazy right now. Gonna be late for my appointment, but leaving is scaring the heck out of me without having Bill there.
Have to pick up Marriage Certificate in Oakland but I can pick my daughter up once I'm out there to go with me. Not the same, but it's someone to be with me.
Wish me luck. Last time I was at the dentist alone, Bill had a 15 minute appointment and had to run out. I threw up. Geez I hope I don't today.

 

[wolftracks]

My daughter wasn't done with what she was doing in time to go with me. I drove around the block 6 times not wanting to get out of the car. Finally I remembered I can't afford to gas up anymore and went to the closest parking garage. I felt worse out yesterday than I have ever. I talked to my granddaughter while we walked the block to the recorders office and I felt like I could barely breath. I think if she hadn't been my priority and had to mach sure she was safe, I wouldn't have made it.

I filled out the paperwork and got my number and waited to be called. Hardly any sitting room there, so we bought a couple of sodas and leaned against the wall. Kayla also decided it would be fund to crawl under a table and I heard her say " heeeeyy, what's this?". There was a huge power cord under there and even though she knows better she was just starting to try and pull it out right at the wall socket. I grabbed her out and told her she knew better and that I didn't know what I'd do if anything every happened to her.

There were four couples waiting when I got here that were getting their marriage licenses. They were happy and joking and one couple was goofing off and I watched the bride to be and her friend primp and whisper and giggle and act like they were just going to a ball. I was wondering if any of them the two guys with them included even knew what it was like to have a soulmate. They were just plain silly. The guys were goofy and acted like they were there to get lucky.

I don't know why, but it irked me to no end.

The other couples seemed like they were genuinly happy to be there with eachother. One couple had 2 little boys they were carrying around that were so darn cute. I was kind of wowed by the fact mom had the littlest in her arms and still that beautiful white satin dress was spotless.

I felt so alone watching these people. knowing things were just getting started for them and I was there for a piece of paper that said I used to be happy. I was so sick to my stomach that I still feel like throwing up. People everywhere, couples getting married, I'm still in a fog. I was so happy to get out of there.

I met up with my daughter and her friend and thought I was just going to the friends house to pick up my daughters bags and ended up bringing the friend out here too. She's supposed to meet up with her son/daughter????? WOW I forget. Anyway the dad has custody and wouldn't take the baby 4 1/2 hours to visit, so she got 2 hours closer. Dropped her at a motel and then she got scared and asked my daughter to stay with her. Kayla had slept for most of the triip home and woke up at home crying for mommy, so had to call her and then still get Kayla settled. Bill and I have had Kayla for most of her life. My daughter went through a very traumatic experience and Bill said call her up and have her bring us the baby. She's been around a lot, but we've had her since she was 10 months old and she's 4 1/2 now. My daughter had just moved back home the day before Bill died. He was going to help to while she went to school to be a Surgical Tech and she's devistated now, because she never has followed through with anything, but Bill had a long talk with her on July 4th and she took it to heart and came home. Thank GOD she was here that morning. I lost it. I yelled for her to call 911 and she followed their instructions for CPR. WE both knew deep down he had been gone too long, but she I had a sign of hope and she had to try.

After picking up the girls I had to head to Union City and pick ip my 14 year old from his dad and grandmother. This was the first summer he ever spent with them the whole time and he's grown like 4 inches taller. I remember when he got home for the funeral I had to reach up to hung him. He had a brain hemorage at 10 months old and although I pushed him like crazy to come out of a comma and to regain the strength of his right side ( he was paralized on the right side, Note: Rattle Braclets!) I put rattles on his arm and leg. The therapists at Children's Hospital were impressed. It kept him moving the limbs when I was exhausted. Bill and I have protected the heck out of this kid, but Bill being a relouse also, found nothing wrong with Dakotah not getting out of the house. We all suffered from this, but Kotah lacks socialibity. He used to have them, but Bill always let him choose to go or not and he usually stayed home. Now I have to help make him less like us. I can tell he isn't handling this well. Bill was his dad mostly for 13 years. He was a good role modle, but when I had a concern he'd just say Kotah was a good kid and he'd be fine. We'll see. He has no real friends, eats by himself at school (standing up) he says there are nevr any places to sit to eat. He's tall and a real cutie, but because of the brain problem is a couple to few years behind as far as maturity. I really worry I'll be gone and he won't know how to be a real person and deal with things. Hope I'm wrong.

I stopped to drop to off the special obits we made to 2 of Bill's friends. One of them has no phone and you just have to go to his house. He didn't know! No one had bothered to go by and tell him. I felt bad, for him, but worse for me. They lost a friend and I lost my life.

I dropped off the second one to a couple that Bill concidered his family way before I ever met him. The wife took the obit My youngest daughter and I did and gave me copies of the paper with the one there. It came out the day of the funeral. Two days after it was supposed to and at over $600 That was just not acceptable, so how do they make it up? The print it again a week later. Gee thanks!

They couldn't look at the one I took yet. There are pics of Bill all over it and they are feeling my pain. A few more of our friends were there and they all gave me their condolences. All of us are still in shock. One friend mantioned the time Bill worked on her shoulder. He did theraputic massge and I miss him right now because my back arm and hands hurt like heck and he had been working on them for me. The day he worked on our friend her roommate was there, Bill never worked on women by themselves. The room mate had made a huge dinner and there were 3 chickens and a bunch of stuff. I was at work or I would have been there, since he usually took me along when the massage was a woman, but I wasn't there. When they were finished she asked him if he was hungry and wanted dinner and she said she had never seen him scared ever. I guess he had a scared puppy look and said he need to go and got nervous. She said she said "Bill, what I mean is, my room amte made all this food and would you like to take some to Kim and have some yourself. Just food!" LOL

Everyone said they knew how I must be devistated and they knew how much we loved eachother. They all told me he was crazy about me. Made me feel good and horrible all at the same time.

I didn't get hme till 10:30 last night. Dropped my daughter and her friend off and came home. I sat in this chair and read some on the forum. Emailed someone who asked about eggs I need to give away and I don't know how I ended up in the floor asleep, but that's where I woe up this morning.

Water pipes in the kitchen are clogged and leaking. I have to fix that and can't seem to get up and do it. Need to build a growout coop for all my babies. Now it's amonth behin and I didn't get the chance to buy supplies. Was on our list for that week. Geez that was a long list, but he would have done all of it.

Still don't have all the paperwork done for trying to get SSDI or dealing with the VA. I just can't pick up the phone. It's late and I have to go feed the animals and lifting my arm to type is a chore. Everything feel so heavy. I wish I could know that it would be ok to sleep for a week, but too much to do that I can't and by the time I get things done it will be too late. I don't want reality to set in. I want to do some things I always wanted to do for Bill so he can come back home. How stupid huh?

 

[vickibiro]

not at all stupid that you want him to come back home. I actually expect Scott to come home any time now. It really only sets in when little things happen. Like when I grab four forks for the table instead of the three that we actually need. When I left my advising appointment at school yesterday and actually picked up my cell phone to call him to ask his advice. Hang in there and keep moving forward. You can do this.

 

[Rare Feathers Farm]

to both of you!

 

[wolftracks]

I went to th store the other day and bought all the junk food Bill usually gets and things I buy him. What figures is he was an ice cream junkie and every once in a while the ice cream ran out and he'd run to the store in the middle of the night and buy more. I bought him ice cream 2 days before and he didn't get to it the night before. No one has touched it. No one here even eats the junk I bought for him.

I have to deal with SS in the morning and Dakotah has orientation for high school that runs from 1:30 to 7:30 pm. I hope more people show up later in the day, so we can get in and out. Bill would have been taking him to get him straightened out since I can't deal with all of that, but it's me tomorrow, so I hope I don't panic. It figures I'm going to have to come up with $145 right off the bat, but who knows if I'll have it later and everything will be almost $100 more later anyway.

On a good note I sold 4 chicks and bought 100 lbs of feed. LOL I have 11 eggs in lockdown and the only ones I'll probably keep are any FBCMs that hatch. These are all from our birds, so I'm counting them as profit. weeeeeeeeeeee I'm just rollin in it!

Have more broken items around here too. Went out this morning to feel the crew and one o my coops has hardware wire loose and Ihave no idea how, but plywood split and I had bird all over the place. They went back in tonight, but they can still get out tomorrow. I don't even care at this point. These are my Game hens and they usually free range anyway, so hopefully I can get more wood and fix it if I get a chance tomorrow. I also had to chase down bunnies. Bill was so made about those things when I brought them home, he just gave me "the look" and walked off. I was going to take them to auction the day he died, but I haven't been there now since the week before and I rarely miss it. I guess I should go monday though and see if I can get a good price on supplies. Only way I'll get them otherwise.

I tried to fix the kitchen sinks, but they're still a mess. SIL said he'd come by friday when he gets back to town and see if he can do anything. He is having surgery on his knee next week, so we'll see how he feels first.

Started this at 11:30 and got a headache, so back after midnight. Everything above is wednesday. From hee on thursday.

Why does it seem like time is going by so fast? Probably because it's speeding up to knock me for a loop when I need to pay bills again. uugggghh

Came home to a cheeping smoke detector. Man those are annoying in the middle of the night. I can't believe I'm awake all night again these days. I slept the night Bill needed me.

I have been thinking that with my stroke problems that I would be the first to go. Head hurts tonight and feels weird, but I'm not really ready yet either. I have things to do before I go. No trips or anything that we planned, but I HAVE TO get life insurance. I don't want my kids to go through money they don't have again. I need to make sure Dakotah will be taken care of and have a home forever if he needs it. Got to go through junk! We lost so much the past few years that I want to hold on to everything. Gotta start letting a little go at a time and get what we really need when I can. I'd have a yard sale, but like I said.............JUNK and I live in an area where everyone seems to buy back and forth from eachother for next to nothing.

I have some friends that have bought some of my jewelry and they are on me to start making more, but I can't depend on that for much. Most of what I make it more expensive than most people can afford and I haven't done a show in ages because of the economy. I have been seeing something in my head though that I just have to make, so if I ever get one done, I'll post a pic inhere to get some feedback on it.

Derek and I keep missing eachothers calls, so I think I'm going to drop in at the center after I go to SS in this morning and see if he's busy. I did get some good news from him in his first message. My daughter Oriana works for a company that made a donation to the center in Bill's name. Derek said it was substancial and that it would be helping a lot of Vets coming home soon. When they asked where to donate my daughter suggested the cemetery, but I called her back and said I wanted it to go to the center. Derek was a great help to Bill, so I figured with his work the money should go to the living. I hope it helps as many as possible. I'd really like to know how much it was. Was only told substancial? Everyone pray it helps are guys coming home and the families that will need it. Bill would have been very happy with this.

Wish me some more luck today. I have only 5 FBCMs left in lockdown. I found 2 cracked eggs that were not cracked at last candling. I lost 65 eggs when the Sportsman went down the day Bill died and he bought this flock for me to hatch out a younger flock and raise my birds and hopefully sell some hatching eggs. Come on little birdies. I have some mixed bantams and some silkies in there too, so I'll have those to sell for the next time I need to cover feed. Only 11 eggs made it to lockdown out of 36. Not good! I need to buy some more SQ stock and sell a few more birds, but for now I have to deal with what I have. My brooder babies are nice FBCMs but not Bev Davis lines, so we'll see what happens when they atart laying as to who I keep and who goes, but I have a blue Ameraucana that is gorgeous and I want more of them. Still can't tell of it's a pullet or roo, but haven't spent much time with them lately to even notice. Just hope I can get the stock I need to maybe make a few bucks if for no other reason than feeding my chicken addiction.

Before I post this I was going to mention that I had an idea for others who may need help like we do. I've been searching for VA help and came across several organizations that help with Survivor issues. I'm going to start posting them in the first post, so they are accessible to others. If anyone has anything that they think may help, please let me know so I can add those too. I'm checking into VA, but it doesn't have to be just that. Anything that will help someone left behind with problems or services that are available from any helpful sources is welcome. Post them here and I will do my best to add them when I can. I was supposed to get a new pc this month. Not looking good for the home team, but I'll figure something out. I have serious issues with this laptop and it makes it hard to get things done in a timely fashion, but I'll do my best.

OK................go kiss your better half! It's important.

Kim