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Advice regarding stepdaughter

Discussion in 'Family Life - Stories, Pictures & Updates' started by michickenwrangler, Dec 28, 2011.

  1. michickenwrangler

    michickenwrangler To Finish Is To Win

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    For those that don't know ...

    My husband died last February.

    He was married before me and had a child. DH was 25 yrs older than me and his daughter from his first marriage is older than me by 9 months. She lives the next county over. She is mentally handicapped (mental capability of about a 12 yr old even though she is 32). She does not work, she is on disability or something from the state. Initially, she was somewhat hostile toward me. After I moved in with DH (we were still dating at the time), she called a few times and he never returned her calls. When I asked why, he said he was tired of dealing with her [email protected] and she gets a new boyfriend every month, says he wonderful, then he ditches her. DH used to give her money to help her out financially on occasion but it stopped when he found out that she was giving it to current boyfriend. Any rate, she called once and left a nasty message on the answering machine about me, "Is your new GIRLFRIEND keeping you from calling me?!" DH promptly called her back and told her to leave me out of this, that HE chose not to return her calls, that I had nothing to do with what went on between them.

    Through the years we became amicable, although DH was never very close with her. Maybe only saw her once every 2 years or so. He was never happy when her boyfriends drove her out.

    She keeps in contact with her mother. She and I are amicable as well though we haven't spoken since June.

    So ... after DH died, at the funeral Stepdaughter said she still wanted to keep in touch. OK, I was never close to her to begin with, so I thought that meant sending her a Christmas Card once a year as per usual and maybe talk to her once a year as per usual. I did send her a box of her father's things (a Bible, some of his poetry, some jewelry he had--he didn't have anything valuable)

    Since this summer, she has been calling more frequently, sent me numerous requests for "Friends" on Facebook. I screen most of her calls through caller ID and have rejected her FB "Friends" requests.

    There are several reasons for this

    1) Again, I was never close to her before
    2) I teach middle school. I deal with 12 yr old drama all day long and I have no desire to deal with it at home when I'm not getting paid for it
    3) I mainly put up with her for her father's sake (and even then he didn't like dealing with her) and don't see any reason to do it now that he's gone
    4) I have a boyfriend that has moved in with me.
    a) There is no reason HE has to put up with her now too
    b) I don't feel like having her scream and cry at me "You replaced my dad!"

    Again, she is mentally handicapped. I have no clue how to tell her without offending her that I really don't want to talk, hang out, chat, be friends, or anything else along that line. Because of her mental capacity, anything I say to her WILL BE TAKEN WRONG

    Before anyone says I should keep in contact for my daughter's sake
    1) I do not trust this girl (even though she is 32, I don't care that she is "family", I don't trust her)
    2) She is not responsible
    3) There is a very strong possibility that she is not even DH's biological daughter (long story)

    So ... how do I tell her to back off without offending her or having Current Shady Boyfriend come over and torch the house out of spite?

    Thanks
     
  2. welasharon

    welasharon Chillin' With My Peeps

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    I would just continue to refuse facebook requests and screen the calls. With luck time will take care of her interest.....but at least you haven't escalated the issue. Good luck!
    sharon
     
  3. 1muttsfan

    1muttsfan Overrun With Chickens

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    Be amicable without being buddies. If she asks to come over or meet with you, just tell her it's not a good time. When is a good time? Well things are very busy right now. Dont get backed into a corner. Stay vague in your answers. Or, just continue to do what you are doing now - screen her calls and don't answer them. You should not feel obligated to be friends with this woman. She has her mom to help her out.
     
  4. crankster76

    crankster76 Chillin' With My Peeps

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    I dont know ,folks. I believe honesty is the best policy. I would just tell her straight. try to be kind as possible but be straight up.
     
  5. 1muttsfan

    1muttsfan Overrun With Chickens

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    I would agree if this person did not have behavior and temperament issues, butt she does and you need to think about your own security.
     
  6. chickened

    chickened Overrun With Chickens

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    Be as honest with her as you would want someone to be honest with you. If it escalates get a protective order against her, they cover all forms of unwanted contact and courts hand them out like candy.
     
  7. zzGypsy

    zzGypsy Chillin' With My Peeps

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    Quote:oh gosh, but she's functionally 12 years old... those remedies are designed for adults.

    I'd go with the keep refusing invites and screening your calls.

    if she escalates you can reconsider, but I really thing letting time take care of it is the best plan.
     
  8. chickened

    chickened Overrun With Chickens

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    I don't know, if you sugarcoat it that can be interpretted as maybe and my experience has been to say "no way" flat out then there is no wiggle room for begging. Even at a 12 year old mentality no means no. Screening calls get old.
    Quote:oh gosh, but she's functionally 12 years old... those remedies are designed for adults.

    I'd go with the keep refusing invites and screening your calls.

    if she escalates you can reconsider, but I really thing letting time take care of it is the best plan.
     
    Last edited: Dec 28, 2011
  9. debilorrah

    debilorrah The Great Guru of Yap Premium Member

    Ok here it is. She is NOT your family. You have no responsibility toward her. Period. You are moving on with your life, and you may choose or not choose to include her in that. That may sound harsh, I know. However, you have a LIFE to get on with. And you have done well with that!!!
     
  10. EweSheep

    EweSheep Flock Mistress

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    Quote:2x! No sugar coating that either!

    You have NO obligation to her anymore. She has her own mother to depend on and she is sucking the life out of your new life. Let you and your deceased hubby in peace and let you get on with your new life with your new boyfriend. It's a NEW chapter! [​IMG]
     

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