Am I being unreasonable?

[PureFluff]

I'm going to play husband's advocate here, since it seems no one else has.

I'm not agreeing with him on any level, but the fact of the matter is I don't know either of you.

note: I'm sexist to both males and females.

It sounds to me like he's looking to get your attention, and to get things done quickly. These are both very common. He's probably trying to get you to spend less time in the garden and more time ~around~. That doesn't mean he's really trying to get you to spend time with him, but just so that all your time isn't taken by something else. The food thing, to me, sounds a bit strange. Everyone's angry about it, but the way you phrased it didn't sound like it was that bad. He said you both should get eating soon. You could have just as easily said yeah, sure, let's go out for burgers as to get angry about having to make him food. If you're feeling he expects you to cook, who's fault is that? We don't have people expect things of us if we haven't before made it clear we will it on a regular basis. I'm sure you take things he does for granted, as well.

Sounds like you need to talk to him, and not about the weeds. Do some stuff together, too. Plan to do some weeding together, side by side, without backseat driving from either of you.

Would I be upset if someone did this to me? Certainly. But I really do think that the garden is about the least important thing here, and both your feelings and his are at stake here.

I wouldn't suggest taking the chemical disposal into your own hands. That's the same passive aggressive behavior you're accusing him of and will just cause a war between you two. Tell him you don't want it used in the yard for a, b, and c reasons and you'd appreciate it if he got rid of it or gave it away or sold it or something. Maybe, if he is having memory issues, he will be able to remember an experience instead of a conversation.

 

[Frosty]

The thing that I have to ask myself... I don't want the stuff in the garden, apparently he does. It makes me angry, but seroiusly, am I over reacting? Ok, I admit that the stuff going on the compost was a final staw and I stood out in the garden ranting and raving... very loudly... But shouldn't I be reasonable and admit that he has as much right to put it there as I have to not want it?

And the dinner thing... his exact words are usually 'I have to get up early so I need to eat soon'. Lately I haven't been cooking so he gets something for himself, usually something disgusting like a can of chili. Stuff looks like Alpo to me!

I actually went to the grocery store today... bought important stuff like kitty litter, cat food... walked past the meat counter without looking and thought to myself 'If I buy the stuff, they'll just expect me to cook it'. When I do fix dinner, they should really appreciate it!

 

[PineappleMama]

Okay, marriage is a partnership... I get your thinking there... but other than killing your hopes of organic does he actually DO anything to help with the garden or is that all on you? Is he doing this weedkilling so he can say he did his share of weeding? Or is he doing it as some kind of passive aggressive attack on you because he's miffed about something else entirely... perhaps the dinner thing? "If I kill her garden then she won't spend so much time out there and instead will be cooking"... it's a theory.

Goes back to the car & DrP thing... you know that would hurt him, so you don't do it. Very simple. But as you said you've got just as much right to put DrP on his car as he has to NOT put DrP on his car... right?

I donno whether he's just an insensitive clod, or if he's a manipulative one, or purposely being mean... I don't know the guy... but you need to figure out why he's doing what he's doing or it'll never stop.

 

[Sonoran Silkies]

Quote:
As many of us have said all along, the biggest issue is not hte garden, but hte communication and relationship between you two. The garden issues are merely symptoms.

While there have been a number of passionate posts about how nothing in marriage is ME, that it is all WE, and that everything is jointly owned, the reality is that most couples have particular areas of their life together over which they have predominant control. Looking at it strictly traditionally as an example only, women do cooking, sewing, cleaning, etc. The kitchen, laundry and sewing rooms are predominantly the wife's domain--they are arranged and managed so that she is most comfortable in doing her job. And the man does auto repair, fixes thaings that are broken and mows the lawn. The garage, workshop and often the yard are HIS domain, arranged as he best sees fit.

Now if you have two chefs sharing a kitchen who disagree on kitchen arrangement and who is cooking which meal, things are not going to be pretty. And if you have two auto mechanics who have a different set of priorities and methods of storing tools and diagnosing problems, you will have an issue there. In this case, you have not clearly delineated yard and garden priorities and tasks. Organic gardening is important to you; it is not to him. You don't really care if there are weeds; they upset him considerably.

Yes, you each have equal rights to do in your yard as you choose. The thing is, you need to communicate with each other and each of you need your needs met. Memory issues or not, you need to TALK. "Hey hon, let's plan day. I want to double dig the asparagus bed and water the broccoli and set up a shade cloth to cover the tmatoes--they are getting burned. How about you?" "The weeds are really getting out of hand, so I think I'll spray them. Then I'm going to mow the lawn and wash the car." "Wait, what are you planning to spray them with? You know how much I try to avoid chemicals!" "Oh, I forgot, well they are really bothering me..."