Anna's Artists Chat Thread

[Amer]

"Lycorise," means "twilight."
I named one of my birds "Shade," because she was all black... her would-have-been mate was "Eclipse."
And... I'm really running dry on the names, I'm sorry.

Lycorise! I really like that Even though it sounds like some kind of allergy medicine.

 

[Sapphire Sebright]

Lycorise! I really like that Even though it sounds like some kind of allergy medicine.

I'm dying!
It does, though... or maybe a Pokemon.

 

[lilmillefleur]

Ouch.
You can make up for it by speaking in ALL CAPS, though!

I'm going to type in all caps here tomorrow and see if anyone thinks I'm wierd

 

[Amer]

Can any writers out there help? This is part of a !nonexistent! larger work, but it’s really jerky, wordy in some parts, not enough in others. But I need fresh eyes and can’t figure out how to fix it. Also Zephyr needs more mystique, she’s really static.

Spoiler: Peregrine meets Zephyr

Peregrine dodged a tree, pumping his wings an excessive amount. He lurched in flight as the basket he gripped in his claws swung violently to the side. He navigated the forest shakily, eyes flashing back and forth, breathing hard.
There. Not far ahead was a branch with a teardrop-shaped hut hanging from it. It was woven from leaves and had a bird-sized hole in it. As the hut came into view, he dropped in flight. The long and poorly executed flight had him sapped of energy.
He made a last desperate push against gravity as he dragged himself and the basket through the hole, collapsing on the floor.
An elderly bird—Peregrine knew her name was Zephyr—was staring at some oddly colored leaves on the wall when he came in. She inspected the contents of the basket—berries—and Peregrine who appeared to be doing his best puddle impression. He picked himself up when he heard her chuckling.
“Hey!” Peregrine’s voice gave an adolescent squeak. “I can barely carry myself yet, let alone a whole basket on the side!” He preened his brand-new feathers and got a mouthful of fluff. Barely a fledgling, Peregrine was still pudgy with bits of chick-down stuck all over his patchy brown feathers.
He peered into the basket and swelled with pride. I didn’t drop any.
“Sage wanted me to deliver this to you, Zephyr,” Peregrine explained.
“Thank you, dear chick, and thank Sage for me,” Zephyr said.
“Not a problem!” Peregrine said, even though it had been a problem. Flying was very fresh and exciting for him, but beating gravity proved to be difficult.
Zephyr barely glanced at Peregrine before staring back at the wall again. Peregrine looked around the room for the first time.
There was a little furniture, of course, and a roost hanging to the side, yes, but it all seemed to fade into the background when he saw what was hanging on the walls. They weren’t weird leaves, they were feathers. A couple of them were grey or black, belonging to your typical black canary, but a couple were red, at least part-of-the-way. But the one Zephyr was staring at was in the middle of them all, and it was red as a cardinal’s feathers.
She’s clearly gone senile, Peregrine thought. That’s gross, collecting other birds’ feathers. He didn’t want to look at them, but he kept peering back at the center, where the red feather hung.
Zephyr lovingly preened the feather back into place. “That was my mate’s feather,” Zephyr said. “His name was Delo. He was a great warrior. Delo fought bravely against the blue jays in the Battle of the Bramble. And he was one of the last of the red canaries, a great race. Now he is dead, along with all of our chicks.” When she swept a wing at the other feathers and they fluttered in the puff of wind she created.
“Wow, that’s terrible, I’m really sorry.” Peregrine said, not sure what else to say. I really am, but I didn’t know she was going to tell me about her dead family. Also, red canaries? There’s no way she was the mate of a red canary. They were supposed to be beautiful. They wouldn’t choose a mate who uses the feathers of her dead relatives as wall hangings! She probably found a cardinal feather and made up this story to get attention.
For someone who probably didn’t get many visitors, Zephyr didn’t seem very interested in talking. The room was quiet enough that Peregrine could hear his own breathing. What with his breath having come back, and Zephyr being somewhat creepy, Peregrine decided to take his leave. “Well, goodbye, then. Enjoy your berries,” he said, slipping through the door.
“Goodbye, and don’t forget to give my thanks to Sage,” Zephyr replied.
“I will!”
As Peregrine took off and began the unsteady flight home, he glanced back through the hole. He heard singing, like only a canary could sing. Zephyr was singing to the feathers on the wall.

 

[Sapphire Sebright]

An elderly bird-Peregrine knew her name was Zephyr-

The hyphens should be double hyphens or dashes -- otherwise, it looks like bird-Peregrine is one word.

He peered into the basket and swelled with pride. I didn’t drop any.

Is the last sentence what Peregrine is thinking, or is it what he is saying? If it is what he is thinking, then I would recommend putting it in italics, or in quotations and italics.

I'm a bit fuzzy right now, as my blood sugar is kind of low, so I'll re-read this later, but it looks pretty good.

 

[Amer]

The hyphens should be double hyphens or dashes -- otherwise, it looks like bird-Peregrine is one word.

Is the last sentence what Peregrine is thinking, or is it what he is saying? If it is what he is thinking, then I would recommend putting it in italics, or in quotations and italics.

I'm a bit fuzzy right now, as my blood sugar is kind of low, so I'll re-read this later, but it looks pretty good.

Italics... I totally forgot that the text switches formats when I copy-paste. I’ll have to fix that later. You’re right about the hyphens.

 

[Amer]

@RoostersAreAwesome Peregrine is basically Nickel; I know...

 

[RoostersAreAwesome]

Can any writers out there help? This is part of a !nonexistent! larger work, but it’s really jerky, wordy in some parts, not enough in others. But I need fresh eyes and can’t figure out how to fix it. Also Zephyr needs more mystique, she’s really static.

Spoiler: Peregrine meets Zephyr

Peregrine dodged a tree, pumping his wings an excessive amount. He lurched in flight as the basket he gripped in his claws swung violently to the side. He navigated the forest shakily, eyes flashing back and forth, breathing hard.
There. Not far ahead was a branch with a teardrop-shaped hut hanging from it. It was woven from leaves and had a bird-sized hole in it. As the hut came into view, he dropped in flight. The long and poorly executed flight had him sapped of energy.
He made a last desperate push against gravity as he dragged himself and the basket through the hole, collapsing on the floor.
An elderly bird—Peregrine knew her name was Zephyr—was staring at some oddly colored leaves on the wall when he came in. She inspected the contents of the basket—berries—and Peregrine who appeared to be doing his best puddle impression. He picked himself up when he heard her chuckling.
“Hey!” Peregrine’s voice gave an adolescent squeak. “I can barely carry myself yet, let alone a whole basket on the side!” He preened his brand-new feathers and got a mouthful of fluff. Barely a fledgling, Peregrine was still pudgy with bits of chick-down stuck all over his patchy brown feathers.
He peered into the basket and swelled with pride. I didn’t drop any.
“Sage wanted me to deliver this to you, Zephyr,” Peregrine explained.
“Thank you, dear chick, and thank Sage for me,” Zephyr said.
“Not a problem!” Peregrine said, even though it had been a problem. Flying was very fresh and exciting for him, but beating gravity proved to be difficult.
Zephyr barely glanced at Peregrine before staring back at the wall again. Peregrine looked around the room for the first time.
There was a little furniture, of course, and a roost hanging to the side, yes, but it all seemed to fade into the background when he saw what was hanging on the walls. They weren’t weird leaves, they were feathers. A couple of them were grey or black, belonging to your typical black canary, but a couple were red, at least part-of-the-way. But the one Zephyr was staring at was in the middle of them all, and it was red as a cardinal’s feathers.
She’s clearly gone senile, Peregrine thought. That’s gross, collecting other birds’ feathers. He didn’t want to look at them, but he kept peering back at the center, where the red feather hung.
Zephyr lovingly preened the feather back into place. “That was my mate’s feather,” Zephyr said. “His name was Delo. He was a great warrior. Delo fought bravely against the blue jays in the Battle of the Bramble. And he was one of the last of the red canaries, a great race. Now he is dead, along with all of our chicks.” When she swept a wing at the other feathers and they fluttered in the puff of wind she created.
“Wow, that’s terrible, I’m really sorry.” Peregrine said, not sure what else to say. I really am, but I didn’t know she was going to tell me about her dead family. Also, red canaries? There’s no way she was the mate of a red canary. They were supposed to be beautiful. They wouldn’t choose a mate who uses the feathers of her dead relatives as wall hangings! She probably found a cardinal feather and made up this story to get attention.
For someone who probably didn’t get many visitors, Zephyr didn’t seem very interested in talking. The room was quiet enough that Peregrine could hear his own breathing. What with his breath having come back, and Zephyr being somewhat creepy, Peregrine decided to take his leave. “Well, goodbye, then. Enjoy your berries,” he said, slipping through the door.
“Goodbye, and don’t forget to give my thanks to Sage,” Zephyr replied.
“I will!”
As Peregrine took off and began the unsteady flight home, he glanced back through the hole. He heard singing, like only a canary could sing. Zephyr was singing to the feathers on the wall.

That’s good! I like your storytelling style.
I have much of the same problems as you. I guess, try to keep it in the present? Maybe try describing more of what Peregrine is thinking and feeling? Also, you could put in some more strange behaviors/quirks that Zephyr has.

 

[Yowza Wowza]

@RoostersAreAwesome i don’t know how to post pics on your profile but this for u

 

[Amer]

That’s good! I like your storytelling style.
I have much of the same problems as you. I guess, try to keep it in the present? Maybe try describing more of what Peregrine is thinking and feeling? Also, you could put in some more strange behaviors/quirks that Zephyr has.

Good advice. Got it.

@RoostersAreAwesome i don’t know how to post pics on your profile but this for u
View attachment 2454029

Perfect. Big fat berd.