Anyone else decide not to have children... R U treated differently?

Discussion in 'Family Life - Stories, Pictures & Updates' started by chickenzoo, Sep 19, 2010.

  1. chickenzoo

    chickenzoo Emu Hugger

    I grew up with an ill father, he died when I was 9, but the memories of how his illness changed him and how if affected me has stuck in my head. It's a shame because I only knew him as the person his medicine made him, not who he really was. When i got married, my husband became ill shortly after. The medicine he has to take just to keep breathing, changes him. He is on predisone often, mostly lives on it. We decided between his illness and mine we did not want to have a child put through that. We got a lot of harassing from his family. I hated even going to the doctors, as they always acted like I was strange and my internal clock was just ticking away. People always asked a million questions, why didn't we want kids and I got tired of trying to explain it, they were always expecting some medical reason for our decision, but not the one that based our decision. I have never had the maternal urge, never was a doll person, infact if barbie came with a horse, she got dumped in the trash and Trigger and I went off on our imaginary adventures. I have the fear of growing older and having no one visit me, but I think that would be a selfish reason just to have children, hehe. I am always nurturing animals, part of my gift I think, they always find me, LOL. So I am not a heartless person, I love watching kids and they too are drawn to talk to me for some reason. I don't always smile because of TMJ trouble, but kids see past that and smile at me. My mind may change who knows, but sometimes I feel like an outcast because when people find out I don't have children they treat me different. Sometimes I feel like I'm "not normal".... and why don't I have those feelings like most people do? Anyone else have these problems?
    Last edited: Sep 19, 2010

  2. Plucky Pullet

    Plucky Pullet Songster

    Aug 18, 2010
    You have got children, your pets [​IMG] I work in a clinic and I meet many people who do not have human children.
    Your decision not to have kids is your own and I'm sorry people treat you differently for it, it just seems odd to me that people would be so judgmental on a personal choice (we have all made personal choices and expect people to accept this, it is part of who we are).
  3. slackwater

    slackwater Songster

    Feb 1, 2010
    I do not have that problem - we have three children and are trying to adopt more - but I applaud your decision. Not everyone is cut out to want kids or be a parent, and that doesn't mean that they are bad people. Heck, I wish more people would make that decision, instead of simply having kids because they are pressured to do so (or because they can). It would mean that there would be fewer "arm candy" kids out there...and would mean that people who were having kids would have them because they wanted them...not just because.

    We, on the other hand, receive criticism because we want to adopt (instead of having more children by birth)...we get all sorts of flack from the family for that. My SIL, who has 5 children by birth, apparently did it the "right" way - we, who have three children by birth and want at least two more by adoption, are going about this the "wrong" way.

    My suggestion: come up with some sort of off-the-cuff response that shuts off further inquiries or conversation (you get good at this, when you are the parent of twins, and constantly get stupid questions like "which one is the evil one" and "do they have the same father?") and leave it be. People will always want to second guess your decisions - be glad in your own mind & heart that they are YOUR decisions!
  4. Sir Birdaholic

    Sir Birdaholic Night Knight

    DW & I have gone through the same stories. Nobody can absorb the fact that we just didn't want kids. Well, now I'm old & grouchy, [​IMG] & they don't ask us about kids anymore.
  5. Wolfwoman

    Wolfwoman Songster

    May 5, 2010
    Chickaloon, Alaska
    I think it's great that you've made this decision. When I was young and stupid I should have made the same one. I too, didn't like dolls and Barbie had broken legs from me smashing her on a horse [​IMG] I was not motherly, or nurturing to my kids, but I loved them and I was tough on them, they grew up just fine. If I had to do it again, I'd not have kids. Try to explain THAT to someone and see what looks you get.
  6. franklinchickens

    franklinchickens Songster

    May 19, 2010
    Franklin, TN
    My husband and I had decided not to have kids, and were both perfectly fine with it. We didn't get an flack from our friends or family, though my mom was broadly hinting quite often. But when I hit about 35/36 I started getting 'baby fever'. I don't know what happened but all of a sudden I couldn't stand not having a child. I was very active in animal rescue (feral cats & kittens), and we had several pets. But it just wasn't enough. We (meaning me) decided that we would have one. I am very happy (most of the time [​IMG]) with our decision but I think it is a decision that each family needs to make for themselves. I don't know that I would let health issues hold you back if you really want a child but if you really don't, then I would say don't do it. That feeling of desperately wanting is what makes times of utter obnoxiousness (like tonight over eating asparagus) tolerable! I'm glad we waited until we were older but if we never did have a child, I'm sure life would have turned out well too. You have to be firm in what YOU need, and not let others get you down. Only you can make the right decision about what is good for your family.
  7. denim deb

    denim deb Chirping

    Sep 15, 2010
    It's not only those that have no children that get the odd looks, but those that have fewer or more than is "normal". I have 2 children, 6 years apart, and not by choice. I do not know how many times I was asked when we were going to give our son a little brother or sister. I got tired of hearing the question, and avoided anyone that I thought would ask that. I also would not hold a baby because it would make me cry, and I was already crying every time it came to that time of the month. We tried, but w/no luck for that 2nd child. (I wanted a daughter) I took fertility pills, nothing. Tracked my cycle, nothing. We were at the point where if we wanted another child, they would need to do more invasive procedures. Neither my hubby nor I was comfortable w/that idea.

    Then, my son asked why he didn't have a little sister. I replied because Jesus didn't give you one. He replied, well I want one. So, I told him, then pray for one. Next thing I knew, I was pregnant, and my son got his little sister. I cannot have any more, even if I wanted them. (I had a hysterectomy several years ago.) But, I won't ask someone when they're planning on having children. If they're trying, and can't, I don't want to inflict on them the same pain that I went thru. And, if they don't want children, I figure that's their business, not mine. And, sometimes they change their mind. (I just went to a baby shower for my nephew and his wife. They said they weren't planning on having any children. They changed their minds.)

  8. Boyd

    Boyd Recipient of The Biff Twang

    Mar 14, 2009
    I'm at the other end of the spectrum I suppose. We have a 15 passenger Dodge Ram van to haul the family around in [​IMG] I have 1 natural son from my first marriage, 1 from my lovely wife Kelly, and a stepson from 1st marriage who still calls me dad and visits on weekends. Added to that are a number of other kids we've fostered over the years. My family has been involved with foster care since i was knee high to a grasshopper, so I am used to the strange looks.

    Currently My wife Kelly and I find it totally funny when I go shopping with a few daughters and the looks I get. a 30 something guy with a bunch of 16 to 17 year old girls babbling, joking gabbing etc.. I even had an older lady wack me with her can and call me a pervert. Didn't believe me when I told her it was my daughters [​IMG]

    So I hear you. Many of my friends will not bring a child into a world for various reasons, personal and ethical in nature.. environment, over crowding, uncertainty, no maternal instinct, lack of comfort/experience etc. To truly know in your heart that you don't want kids?

    Borrow one for a weekend. No matter what they break, how bad they cuss you, what their boyfriends say, or how many poopy diapers are filled... You can rest assured you can return them to their parents [​IMG] If you want more time with them? Perhaps you can reconsider your views at a latter date!
  9. dedicateddourly

    dedicateddourly Songster

    Jun 20, 2008
    Fallbrook, CA
    Hubby and I are in our mid-30's and everyone we know has kids by now. BUT we've been together for so long that our friends and family know how we feel about having children. We never wanted them, but we adore our furry and feathered children. If an acquaintance or stranger presses me about being childless, I correct them and say that I am child-free.
  10. Tala

    Tala Flock Mistress

    People are just plain rude. It's none of their business in the first place although they might just be curious, but to press the issue after you say no kids is just downright rude!!!
    Try being infertile when everyone keeps asking when you are gonna have kids. Uh, I'm kinda in the same boat as denim deb, I've done the cycle tracking thing and all that jazz, I've cried every time I got a period, and well, finally, I've just quit caring so much about it. But to say we are gonna have kids "whenever God decides for us to" seems so......cliche, to me anyway, I refuse to tell people that. I just say "I'm infertile" with as much of a "it's not for discussion" of face as possible, and people tend to get the "vibe" to not press the issue.

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