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I can understand so much of how you are feeling. You are in the middle of grief and also feeling powerless to help. Your mum so wants to keep her independance and because she has lived there for so many years, has biult up her own support group. Her friends and her church. Not only that but I guess she is also in the middle of a lot of grief to over your dad!!! I take it they were together in that house she is now living in. If so - It is doubtless full of memories and his things and his smell and all the rest of it. She is simply not ready to give that up or the life they shared together there.
Yes you have a lovely home ready for her fixed up for the handicapped and God knows how hard that is. - Your mum is correct though in what she says about parents going to live out their days with their kids. Then they feel like they are hated. -
The problem is that a lot of folk who have elderly parents are middle aged, they have finished buying there home and their kids have grown up. So they have financial and physical freedoms they never had before. Then Grandma comes to stay and things change - money is short and care needs increase. Holidays are none existant and even days out are hard work. If there are added issues in later life like memory loss, Parkinsons etc then it gets even harder. There are long sleepless nights of worry, endless visits to clinics and hospitals. Before they know it the "well meaning" offer of grandma staying has become a nightmare out of all proportion and then the resentment sets in. ITs not because the offer wasn;t genuine and made with love but reality is that care needs and pressures on care givers are huge!!!!!!! We have the NHS here so have a lot of help and it still isn;t enough.
Please don;t be hard on yourself or your mum because she worries about these things and isn;t ready to live with you. I care full time for my twins and I have nursed my mother in law until she died age 52 and my father in law until he died age 72. My heart goes out to you because it is such a difficult road to travel down. I completely understand - Cake yeah girl you need cake - wish I could send DH to give you a massive really lovely gooy one!!!!!!!
You are much in my thoughts
Oesdog
I can understand so much of how you are feeling. You are in the middle of grief and also feeling powerless to help. Your mum so wants to keep her independance and because she has lived there for so many years, has biult up her own support group. Her friends and her church. Not only that but I guess she is also in the middle of a lot of grief to over your dad!!! I take it they were together in that house she is now living in. If so - It is doubtless full of memories and his things and his smell and all the rest of it. She is simply not ready to give that up or the life they shared together there.
Yes you have a lovely home ready for her fixed up for the handicapped and God knows how hard that is. - Your mum is correct though in what she says about parents going to live out their days with their kids. Then they feel like they are hated. -
The problem is that a lot of folk who have elderly parents are middle aged, they have finished buying there home and their kids have grown up. So they have financial and physical freedoms they never had before. Then Grandma comes to stay and things change - money is short and care needs increase. Holidays are none existant and even days out are hard work. If there are added issues in later life like memory loss, Parkinsons etc then it gets even harder. There are long sleepless nights of worry, endless visits to clinics and hospitals. Before they know it the "well meaning" offer of grandma staying has become a nightmare out of all proportion and then the resentment sets in. ITs not because the offer wasn;t genuine and made with love but reality is that care needs and pressures on care givers are huge!!!!!!! We have the NHS here so have a lot of help and it still isn;t enough.
Please don;t be hard on yourself or your mum because she worries about these things and isn;t ready to live with you. I care full time for my twins and I have nursed my mother in law until she died age 52 and my father in law until he died age 72. My heart goes out to you because it is such a difficult road to travel down. I completely understand - Cake yeah girl you need cake - wish I could send DH to give you a massive really lovely gooy one!!!!!!!
You are much in my thoughts
Oesdog
