blended families

[dichotomymom]

I've never posted anything personal before so here goes. My oldest is fathered by someone I dated for many years but never married. We split unamicably at first but have worked really hard to not just be amicable but to be friends as well. Well, it's gone pretty well until recently. Our son has called 3 times out of the last 2 months he's been over there (he goes every other weekend) complaining of stomach pain. He really did throw up the first time but the other two times have been in my opinion, feigned illness. His father has a new baby in the house and I believe his lack of sleep and patience is starting to affect his interaction with our son while he's over there. He was extremely rude to me on the phone and suggested that our son was faking just so he could go home. I'm at a crossroads of not knowing whether or not to divulge that I do indeed think he is faking because his Dad is not being so nice and keeping it to myself because I know it will hurt his father's feelings ( my son's concern, not mine) and that it's probably something that will pass when the baby gets older and his father is getting more sleep. On the other hand, I feel keeping that information to myself will only further hinder how my son is treated and I need to be the backbone for him since he is a child. What would you all do?

 

[TipsyDog]

I have no experience with blended families, etc. but as a Mom I would put that child ahead of anything/anybody else or their feelings. Just my opinion. Sounds like your son doesn't want to be there. Is he being mistreated or punished? Is the new step-mother mistreating him? Good luck and hopefully your son will tell you what eating at him and you can work it out.

Edited to add: How old is your son?

 

[b.hromada]

Maybe you do need to say something to his father. Getting things out in the open, can help tremendously. You don't need to be rude, of course, just kind of bring up the idea that he is feeling uncomfortable, and he feels like he is now the intruder, instead of his oldest?

 

[dichotomymom]

Thank you both. My concern is not me being the messenger but that I know it will diminish my son's faith in me to not rock the boat (he hates the idea of hurting his father's feelings, not me, although I would never do it in a hateful way).

ETA: no, I have no doubt that he's still treated well by both father and stepmother but I have noticed that my ex has a much shorter span of patience since his new one came into the world. I imagine he is on the backburner but definitely not mistreated.

 

[Woods_Woman]

Ditto what Tipsydog said, your son's state of mind and happiness come first. If he's not happy going don't make him go, my daughter went thru this when she was five. It was grandma's house that she had a problem with, I knew my mom was good to her, but she just had a hard time being away from home. She would complain that her stomach hurt, and that she felt sick, but I believe it was nerves. Your boys dad will just have to understand, it doesn't have to be forever, just a temporary thing until your son feels more comfortable. Good Luck.

 

[rainplace]

I did this a few times when I was really little when I was at my dad's house after they had my half-sister. I wasn't sick, and no one was abusing me or even being mean to me. For some reason I just wanted to go home to my mom. Thinking on it, I have no idea whatsoever why I made those calls to my mom saying that I was sick and never thought about till right now.

It's possible your son is just feeling a little left out.
Maybe dad is lacking patience and sleep and not interacting as usual with dad.
If these are the reasons, then your son is just seeing true life as it occurs with a lot of people.

If it's deeper than this, I don't know what to say.

 

[dichotomymom]

I don't think letting him skip out on going is a good idea. They need to work out whatever is making him feel uncomfortable and that's what I am struggling with, discussing it in a way that doesn't make my son feel badly.

Rainplace, I think that's it exactly! Now, on to how to make him understand that sometimes people can be less than sweet to you without it meaning they don't love you!

 

[HEChicken]

Stay with me for a second. If the new baby is causing Dad to be short with DS, so that DS is feigning stomach pain in order to return to Mom, and you don't want to tell Dad that DS doesn't want to be around him, why not go a slightly different direction and tell Dad that you think DS might be feigning due to insecurity about the new baby? In a roundabout way, it sounds as though you believe DS's symptoms are related to the baby, but doing it this way would not hurt dad's feelings as much and save DS's face. It would also give Dad a clue that being extra sensitive to DS at this time will be better for their relationship than being short with him. Win-win-win.

 

[b.hromada]

Quote:
Sounds about right to me.

 

[rainplace]

Quote:
You must have written this while I was posting!

If that's the case, then I think I disagree with letting your son off the hook.
It seems like it would be easy to just tell dad that your son might need some extra attention.
You could also talk to your son informally about what it's like for some people when they have a new child.

Of course, I have no way of knowing what your son is like, it may be bigger than what I'm thinking