Can't sleep, need advice

[redhen]

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The right thing, is to BE HAPPY together now, while you still can! every day we are here is a gift! dont waste it making you BOTH unhappy! let him make his OWN choices! he is not a baby...remember caring for someone is NOT the same a controlling them.....you get my drift...

I do get your drift. The other advocate on my shoulder says, "haven't we all heard stories of people who used to be overweight, saying that they never realized how unhappy they had been until they lost weight?" This comes back to me over and over again, pretty forcefully. I know he's unhappy about his weight, because he says so all the time.

ahh! but how can you know this? maybe he'd be happy to stop getting nagged....

(just kidding!) ....but honestly..if youre not happy with him..or not attracted to him anymore...you should tell him...because right now it sounds to me that you are the one not happy.....but me personally..i love my hubby any ole' way!

but everyone has certain limits for their attraction...and if he's not cutting it for you dont make both of your lives miserable...let him go....you can find a guy that works for you..and i am sure he'll be able to find someone who is attracted to him also...

 

[Xtina]

Thanks for all the hugs and advice. It does help, even though it mostly makes me feel helpless. Just now, he came back from the grocery store with cereal and now he's helping the neighbor dig a new garden bed. So that's two bullets dodged just this morning: no fatty breakfast and no being sedentary. Then that other part of me wonders why he picked the cereal with absolutely no biological value in it; no fiber to hold him over? He's just going to be starving in an hour. But that's the part of me that I can definitely recognize as being a tiny devil on my shoulder. I should just be satisfied that he made something close to a good choice after yesterday.

I'm not divorcing him. I'm not quitting on our marriage. That's not the background I come from, even if I wanted to lose him. I don't. He's a fantastic husband. We all have things that we need to change in our lives, I'm no exception. Yes, he does tell me to go easy on the junk food, and yes, he does give me a hard time for not eating enough fruits. So as a result of his nagging, I cut down my sugar intake and started adding fruits to my diet where I could. I have other areas in my life that he can help me with. I view maturity as a joint effort that takes the support and encouragement of your partner. So I get a little taken aback by advice saying that it's not my job to try to push him to new heights. Isn't that our joint commitment as a married couple? We're not married to become worse versions of our previous selves, but to attain new heights by working together and relying on one another. Right??

 

[redhen]

i dont know what else to tell you...lol...lifes to short..thats all i can say. and good luck finding your happiness.

 

[bheila]

Oh I wish I had more time to post about this today. My husband has gained 50lbs in the last 2 years because he finally quit smoking after 36 years. My husbands is also a recovered alcoholic. I know that my husband has addictive "disorders" so I have to accept him as he is, even if his butt looks like it's getting smaller and his stomach is getting bigger. I always tell him it looks like his stomach is sucking his butt in

My questions are, why is he eating more? Is he less active then he used to be? What's changed? What's the trigger for him?

 

[Blue Skys]

Trying to help and wanting the best for your partner is a huge part of being married and sharing your lives together. However, he will never change unless he wants to (no matter how bad you want him to). I have gained weight since getting married, I realized I don't want to continue gaining wait and have asked my husband for moral support in giving up the junk food I love sooo much. I asked for his opionions so he gives them to me. Sometimes, I don't want to hear it, but I asked for his help.

What I guess I'm getting at it bite your tongue when you want to nag. Until he asks for help, live your life the most healthy way you can and hope that he will catch on to it. There is nothing you can say to him that I'm sure he doesn't already know. Keep junk food out of the house and when you go out to dinner make healthy choices.

Speaking from experience it helps to see everyone else eating broiled fish and veggies, and look at your plate with the hamburger and fries. Next time you might make a different decision. Also, don't make a big deal about it if he does choose a healthier option, just hope he continues to do so.

He knows your feelings on the subject, my advice would be to just concentrate on you and being the healthiest you can be. Best of luck.

 

[Poulets De Cajun]

I just want to add this, and then I'm done with this thread... its like a bad trainwreck, you just have to look.

Perhaps try getting active YOURSELF, and he'll follow. Instead of naggin him, start walking or running or biking.

 

[ChooksChick]

Something we need to remember is that if you are saying something that's true and correct, even if it's in a loving way, even if it's affecting you, too, that it's labeled as nagging if the other doesn't want to hear it- and I think that stinks.

I think he has a responsibility to you to care for himself. I think that life *is* too short, but wouldn't want to toss 1/3 of it away early just to have some sort of immediate gratification or to eat 1/2 again as much as I should. That's just plain weak.

It depends on how you look at it- would you like to be having a heart attack and thinking, "Dang...if I'd just avoided that last few bites every meal, I could be healthy right now...oh, well, those few bites were *worth it* - bye!"

Hmmm...I'm guessing not-so-much. I think that folks all too often like to make excuses. Moderation is key.

He needs to watch it, and that's fact. Especially if diabetes runs in the family. Ever hear of a diabetic dying of high blood sugar? It rarely happens. They die of heart attacks and strokes. It's easily avoided. It doesn't render life not enjoyable to care well for your body. You don't have to toss sweets and enjoyable food out. You just have to eat a *serving size*-not 2!!!

He needs to respect that this relationship and his health are both being invested in by you, as well as he. If he gets to care about how you treat yourself, because he loves you and it matters to him- it's reciprocal!

Take him to get the A1c. It's a huge motivator to know where one stands. Reward him when he doesn't binge after activity- any way you can

Make matter-of--fact statements and be less emotional. It's hard, but it makes his receiving the facts behind your words easier.

Remind him it's ALL BECAUSE YOU LOVE HIM SO!


Best of luck, and PM me if you want.

 

[Xtina]

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Yeah, I've tried this several times. Just figuring that if I up my personal activity in a way that he can see, he would want to join me. He ONLY does this if it's a walk I'm suggesting. Two years ago when I did a program called SimpleFit, he could have done that easily, it was such a fun program and he saw my results too, but he NEVER joined in and my enthusiasm for it fizzled. Same thing goes for yoga now. I'm trying to get into it and he refuses to join me.

Anyway, thanks for everyone's advice, and keep it coming. I'm off to buy veggies for lunch. He almost never balks at eating good foods. He loves a dinner of veggies and hummus, but then it's five beers and ice cream after that. Kind of makes me feel helpless.

He's doing so much physical work today that there's NO WAY I'm bringing my concerns up to him, even though he stopped breathing last night.

 

[ChooksChick]

Get something in mind to reward him for his exertion-something he REALLY appreciates, that is NOT food related.


Tell him it's for his hard work today. Tell him it's because you just know burning those extra calories was good for him and it makes you so happy for him and happy about his health. don't shy away from that real, honest feeling. Share it with him.

Make it contagious, so he feels good about it, too!

 

[Poulets De Cajun]

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She already said they were really "active"