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CHUCK NORRIS JOKES!

Discussion in 'Games, Jokes, and Fun!' started by ChuckenGirl, Jul 25, 2008.

  1. ChuckenGirl

    ChuckenGirl Chillin' With My Peeps

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    Dec 22, 2007
    Maryland :)
    We all knew this was coming...

    chuck norris : [​IMG]


    Guns don't kill people. Chuck Norris kills People.


    There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.


    Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.


    The chief export of Chuck Norris is Pain.


    There is no chin under Chuck Norris' Beard. There is only another fist.


    Chuck Norris has two speeds. Walk, and Kill.


    The leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart Disease 2. Chuck Norris 3. Cancer.


    Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.


    Chuck Norris is my Homeboy.


    Chuck Norris doesn't go hunting.... CHUCK NORRIS GOES KILLING.

    Chuck Norris uses pepper spray to spice up his steaks. (New!)

    Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

    Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie down.

    Chuck Norris is ten feet tall, weighs two-tons, breathes fire, and could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing.

    The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably.

    Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.

    Most people have 23 pairs of chromosomes. Chuck Norris has 72... and they're all poisonous.

    If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

    When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes, ever.

    The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris' fist.

    Chuck Norris invented Kentucky Fried Chicken's famous secret recipe, with eleven herbs and spices. But nobody ever mentions the twelfth ingredient: Fear.

    CNN was originally created as the "Chuck Norris Network" to update Americans with on-the-spot butt kicking in real-time.

    Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.

    There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.

    What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris' victims before they died? His shoe.

    Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

    Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11.... a suicide.

    Chuck Norris doesn't churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out.

    Chuck Norris doesn’t wash his clothes, he disembowels them.

    A Handicapped parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

    Chuck Norris will attain statehood in 2009. His state flower will be the Magnolia.

    Someone once videotaped Chuck Norris getting angry. It was called Walker: Texas Chain Saw Massacre.

    If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.

    Chuck Norris originally appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."

    Fool me once, shame on you. Fool Chuck Norris once and he will roundhouse you in the face.

    The opening scene of the movie "Saving Private Ryan" is loosely based on games of dodgeball Chuck Norris played in second grade.

    Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

    Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publically claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer.

    Chuck Norris has two speeds: Walk and Kill.

    Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.

    Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.

    Faster than a speeding bullet ... more powerful than a locomotive ... able to leap tall buildings in a single bound... yes, these are some of Chuck Norris's warm-up exercises.

    Chuck Norris is the only human being to display the Heisenberg uncertainty principle -- you can never know both exactly where and how quickly he will roundhouse-kick you in the face.

    Chuck Norris can hit you so hard that he can actually alter your DNA. Decades from now your descendants will occasionally clutch their heads and yell "What The Heck was That?"

    Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.

    Chuck Norris discovered a new theory of relativity involving multiple universes in which Chuck Norris is even more rebellious than in this one. When it was discovered by Albert Einstein and made public, Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked him in the face. We know Albert Einstein today as Stephen Hawking.

    Chuck Norris doesn't shower, he only takes blood baths.

    The Chuck Norris military unit was not used in the game Civilization 4, because a single Chuck Norris could defeat the entire combined nations of the world in one turn.

    In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.

    According to the Encyclopedia Brittanica, the Native American "Trail of Tears" has been redefined as anywhere that Chuck Norris walks.

    Pluto is actually an orbiting group of British soldiers from the American Revolution who entered space after the Chuck gave them a roundhouse kick to the face.

    When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

    There are no steroids in baseball. Just players Chuck Norris has breathed on.

    Chuck Norris was the fourth wise man, who gave baby Jesus the gift of beard, which he carried with him until he died. The other three wise men were enraged by the preference that Jesus showed to Chuck's gift, and arranged to have him written out of the bible. All three died soon after of mysterious roundhouse-kick related injuries.

    Chuck Norris sheds his skin twice a year.

    The word 'Kill' was invented by Chuck Norris. Other words were 'Die', 'Beer', and 'What'.

    Chuck Norris is a vegetarian. Meaning, he does not eat animals until first he puts them into vegetative state with his fists.

    The 11th commandment is “Thou shalt not piss off Chuck Norris” This commandment is rarely enforced, as it is impossible to accomplish.

    Chuck Norris is his own line at the DMV.

    Two wrongs don't make a right. Unless you're Chuck Norris. Then two wrongs make a roundhouse kick to the face.

    Chuck Norris can do a roundhouse kick faster than the speed of light. This means that if you turn on a light switch, you will be dead before the lightbulb turns on.

    When Chuck Norris goes to out to eat, he orders a whole chicken, but he only eats its soul.

    Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse-kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

    Chuck Norris has never won an Academy Award for acting... because he's not acting.

    If Chuck Norris wants your opinion, he'll beat it into you.

    Not everyone that Chuck Norris is mad at gets killed. Some get away. They are called astronauts.

    Chuck Norris has to register every part of his body as a separate lethal weapon. His spleen is considered a concealed weapon in over 50 states.

    A movie scene depicting Chuck Norris losing a fight with Bruce Lee was the product of history's most expensive visual effect. When adjusted for inflation, the effect cost more than the Gross National Product of Paraguay.

    Godzilla is a Japanese rendition of Chuck Norris' first visit to Tokyo.

    Chuck Norris once rode a nine foot grizzly bear through an automatic car wash, instead of taking a shower.

    "Sweating bullets" is literally what happens when Chuck Norris gets too hot.

    After taking a steroids test doctors informed Chuck Norris that he had tested positive. He laughed upon receiving this information, and said "of course my urine tested positive, what do you think they make steroids from?"

    Chuck Norris doesn't daydream. He's too busy giving other people nightmares.

    When Arnold says the line "I'll be back" in the first Terminator movie it is implied that is he going to ask Chuck Norris for help.

    There are no such things as tornados. Chuck Norris just hates trailer parks.

    Chuck Norris does not follow fashion trends, they follow him. But then he turns around and kicks their butt. Nobody follows Chuck Norris.

    The phrase 'break a leg' was originally coined by Chuck Norris's co-stars in Walker, Texas Ranger as a good luck charm indicating that a broken leg might be the worst extent of their injuries. This never proved to be the case.

    Chuck Norris’ roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.

    Chuck Norris once participated in the running of the bulls. He walked.

    The Drummer for Def Leppard's only got one arm. Chuck Norris needed a back scratcher.

    Chuck Norris was the orginal sculptor of Mount Rushmore. He completed the entire project using only a bottle opener and a drywall trowel.



    add some yourself

    ETA: picture of chuck norris.

    Edited content by staff.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 28, 2008
  2. purplebaby

    purplebaby Chillin' With My Peeps

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    May 20, 2007
    east long island
    i LOVE chuck norris jokes! they have gotten my brother thru a few rough moments after his 3 yr old son died this past march. i text message them to him at random intervals. my students even started collecting them for me....
     
  3. SterlingAcres

    SterlingAcres Chillin' With My Peeps

    Apr 17, 2008
    Poconos, PA
    Chuck Norris is the man [​IMG]

    "Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas."













    Edited by staff.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 28, 2008
  4. silkiechicken

    silkiechicken Staff PhD Premium Member

    Oh... the Chuck Norris joke thing is HUGE among people my age and younger... possibly some older too.

    It's Chuck Norris this, Chuck Norris that, you'll find the jokes in the common chat area of the game WOW, the jokes scrawled on chalk boards, in class rooms, on assignments, aimed at other students, integrated into projects. We had a student we all called "Chuck" as a joke because they made a video for a pulse oximeter project where he was able to "save the day" with the device they designed, and because they couldn't say Young-Chung right.
     
  5. Nifty-Chicken

    Nifty-Chicken Administrator Staff Member

    One of my favs:

    "Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried."
     
  6. allen wranch

    allen wranch Overrun With Chickens Premium Member

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    Jan 11, 2007
    San Marcos, TX
    When we lived in Dallas, they filmed a lot of the Walker Texas Ranger scenes in the neighborhood where we lived. They paid our son to use his house for an episode. I took off work to watch them film. It was fun...

    He did a lot for the community when he worked in Dallas. I think he still lives there.
     
  7. allen wranch

    allen wranch Overrun With Chickens Premium Member

    3,609
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    Jan 11, 2007
    San Marcos, TX
    This was removed to the staff section for editing.

    Please keep Chuck clean or he may be moved permanently.
     

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