Coffee Club

[sourland]

Good morning everyone.

 

[aart]

I hung 5 sheets. I had purchased a 5# box of drywall screws. I asked DH to grab them out of the box of supplies I had. He never came back with them. Went out to get them. Can't find them. Who knows what he did with them?? I have to go to Lowes today to get another box.
I won't get back out to Dad's until this afternoon and this time, I'm going alone. I just can't find enough things to keep DH busy and he can't do anything on his own. He also keeps putting things "away" but I don't know where he puts them and he can't remember. It's viciously frustrating.

OyVey!
'Helpers' ...SMH!

 

[DobieLover]

OyVey!
'Helpers' ...SMH!

I know. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place with him. He can't help he's in the condition he's in and I would hate to be in his shoes so I try to take him with me whenever I can. But on the flip side of the coin, he (unintentionally) drives me batty and dramatically slows down progress.

 

[sourland]

@DobieLover thought of you yesterday. Was talking with a friend yesterday who I haven't seen in a bit. Asked about a wife, and she is in the early stages. He is really fumbling/struggling on how to deal with the changes.

 

[DobieLover]

@DobieLover thought of you yesterday. Was talking with a friend yesterday who I haven't seen in a bit. Asked about a wife, and she is in the early stages. He is really fumbling/struggling on how to deal with the changes.

I feel for him. It is very, very difficult.
My best advice you can pass on to him is to drop any and all former "expectations".
DH and I used to be great partners. We both stayed busy keeping up with things and the house remodel was moving right along. But now, he can't do any of it and misplaces supplies and tools regularly. The frustration level for me gets so bad, I shut down.
I now expect him to do nothing. I have to pretend I live alone and must do everything. If he asks to help, I give him the simplest task and it will take him a minimum of 5 times longer to do it than I can. That's okay. He feels useful and like he's contributing.
Although this next bit of advice if very hard, you have to act as if the question you are being asked for the 7th time in less than 15 minutes is the first time you are hearing it and answer accordingly.
Even when they say something that makes no sense at all, agree with them. Arguing is utterly futile. They can no longer understand.
Keep everything as simple as possible. Routine is great.
I also got a pretty little Month/Day/Day of the week decoration to display prominently on the counter to help him orient to the current time of year.
Their brains also do not register things they are looking directly at. I can't tell you the number of times DH would ask where his coffee mug was and it was literally sitting right smack dab in the middle of the counter.

 

[sourland]

Having seen both of my sisters deal with their husbands this is pretty much what I tried to tell him. Again I tried to impart that even more important than taking care of her he MUST take care of himself. He's a good guy - I hope that I helped a little bit.

 

[DobieLover]

Having seen both of my sisters deal with their husbands this is pretty much what I tried to tell him. Again I tried to impart that even more important than taking care of her he MUST take care of himself. He's a good guy - I hope that I helped a little bit.

You are a good friend. Be his sounding board when he needs to get out some of his frustration. I try not to fixate on how bad and hard it is. I seek out joy and hang on to it with both hands.

 

[microchick]

Morning everyone.

@DobieLover both of my parents had a very slow, progressive, vascular dementia and were diagnosed within a year of one another. I was their caregiver for close to 20 years. Dad was easy to take care of. He was just happily confused but mom was violent. It was heartbreaking and both physically and mentally hard to take care of her. It seemed ironic that when I went back to work I wound up taking care of a lot of dementia/alzheimer's disease patients.

You are correct with everything you wrote. All I can do is offer you and everyone else who is dealing with a loved one with dementia a hug. It doesn't get any easier.

 

[DobieLover]

Morning everyone.

@DobieLover both of my parents had a very slow, progressive, vascular dementia and were diagnosed within a year of one another. I was their caregiver for close to 20 years. Dad was easy to take care of. He was just happily confused but mom was violent. It was heartbreaking and both physically and mentally hard to take care of her. It seemed ironic that when I went back to work I wound up taking care of a lot of dementia/alzheimer's disease patients.

You are correct with everything you wrote. All I can do is offer you and everyone else who is dealing with a loved one with dementia a hug. It doesn't get any easier.

I think if I were dealing with a parent, it would be a bit easier.
Losing your partner this way really adds to the challenge. Most people who "know someone who had Alzheimer's" and visited occasionally or even regularly think they know what I am going through. They do not.
Living with and caring for a dementia patient who was once your equal, partner and best friend is about as tough as it gets. You can't distance yourself from it. I think you understand the daily trials of it.
Now compound these trials with losing your father very unexpectedly and having to deal with all the issues that brings with it, a very long, deep depression and also living in a house you are totally renovating for yourself but the work is going so achingly slow you don't think you'll ever finish it. I try not to look too far down my path. I live by the AA motto of One Day at a Time.

 

[microchick]

Trust me,no matter if it is a parent or a spouse, the emotional and physical scars live on long after the loved one is at peace.

we used to say at work that the loved one is not in pain. They are in their own world where everything is normal and you (the caregiver) are the one with the 'problem'. The people who suffer are the loved ones watching their family member or spouse slowly decline and succumb to the disease.

I could write a book but this is not the time or place to do it.