My mom used to passionately believe in the new world order theories. I remember the UN flag burning she took me to. She refused to get on disability because the government would track her. She owned guns, and bug out bags stocked with MREs in case they came for her guns and we had to flee into the night. We had survival magazines lying around the house and there were these local talk shows she'd listen to called things like "domestic terrorism". I can't count how many gun shows I went to as a kid. As she was, you probably would have had a lot of respect for her. That's the house I grew up in. That's how I was raised.
Then she got cancer. We didn't know for a long time because she distrusted doctors. By the time she knew what was wrong she was stage 4 and dying. She had previously been trying to treat her problem with at home remedies. Fish antibiotics and over the counter detox cleanses. But of course they didn't work. Biology doesn't care about your theory of government or alternative treatments. It either kills you or doesn't. Doctors can be negotiated with - your own body killing you can't.
The next five years she spent in and out of hospitals. Suddenly none of it mattered any more. It doesn't matter if someone is tracking you if the alternative is being dead. It doesn't really matter if doctors aren't trustworthy if you don't have a solution for yourself. The only way you can live with cancer is to literally inject enough poison into your body to kill the disease. The doctors were completely up front with her that it was going to be the worst experience of her life and she would die someday from it anyhow she did it anyhow. She fought like hell. They gave her 3 years to live and her determination gave her five.
She started focusing on herself. I never in my whole life, no matter how many guns or bug out bags or MREs or drill plans we had prepared, saw her happier or more secure than those years while she was dying. And it was incredibly sad because in the years she was healthy she was miserable every single day. She was scared of her neighbors. She was scared of the media. She was scared of the government. She was scared all the time to the point that she prepared for years on the run. She refused to carry a photo ID. And she never needed an ounce of it.
Last year I cleaned her pantry for my dad and I threw away a hundred expired MREs. Those things take decades to expire. Like it was a metaphor for her life, all the things that were the product of that fear, wasted for decades. Nothing she was scared of ever happened. Not even when she publicly campaigned for open carry laws. Not when she wrote hundreds of postcards to her "Congress critters" with her name and address on them. Not when she was homeschooling her kids and the school system knew they weren't attending anymore. Nobody ever knocked on our door or swept her away in a black van, even though they surely knew where she lived and what she was doing. Instead it was just her own body that did her in.
I don't have a good solution for you. I was never my mom. Her choices made me miserable and killed a lot of opportunities regarding schooling. Growing up that way it was such a relief to leave. None of what she was worried about ever happened. I spent my whole life homeschooling and alone from it and my world expanded so fast when I started believing that people were showing me who they were through their actions.
But I really really hope you figure out how to find peace before none of it matters any more. Life exists to live and what my mom did wasn't living. Nobody should have to live that way.
Edit; Incidentally if you wanna talk about this more, you should PM me. Conspiracy theories are not really a good topic for here.
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