Daughter broke up with boyfriend and I'm the one depressed!

[ltlindian1234]

Holy cow, I am so glad to have stumbled upon this thread. It's nice to hear that others are having the same level of sadness that I am. My daughter just broke up with her boyfriend of 1.5 years. He really just became part of the family--staying at our house most every week 2-3 times, dinner at least 3 times a week, even went on a family vacation to florida this past winter with us. He was her first boyfriend and he just clicked with our family.

She broke up because she wasn't sure she wanted to be with just one guy her whole life. She is 16 and he is 19. He was ready to wait for her to get out of school (both high school and college) and be with her. She, of course, at 16, wasn't sure of that. And honestly, if it were any other kid, I would totally agree with her. But this guy, omg, this kid just stole my heart. He became another son and a brother to my son who is 10 and is now equally devastated by the break up.

It's been 6 weeks now and I feel like I'm the one that got dumped. It's so awful. For a bit, he was texting and talking to me because we had that kind of relationship. He always would talk to me about things that he might not talk to with someone else. I trusted him completely and he respected me. So here I was trying to support my daughter and her decision, but yet also comfort him and try to help him move on. Which is not what I wanted at all!

Now he's trying to see other girls, which he should, and the hurt is pulled up all over again. My daughter is sad because he's moving on but yet still doesn't think she wants to date him again. So we are living it all over again.

I miss him at our house, my son misses him and I still cry about it. *** is wrong with me that I'm crying about my daughter's breakup?

I'm so glad to hear that others feel this same way. It makes me feel less crazy. So thank you.

 

[Coffeeluvr]

Hi all,

It's been a few weeks and I felt I should update a little.

About a week after we met my daughter's ex for lunch - he texted her. It was the first real contact since last August. He was curious about what prompted my husband to text him. My daughter explained that we missed him. Then she elaborated that I had gotten depressed and felt like I'd lost a son. She also shared that I had received counseling. So, I was mortified at first, but I've since recovered. I'm a very private person with my feelings- this was one of my huge fears. He didn't seem shocked. Just said, "Oh, ok."

It appears we gave him an opportunity to break the silence. They've been texting since then. They talked about their breakup without judgement or anger. He apologized for stuff he'd said to her. He called her while we were at lunch one day, and they talked for almost an hour. He was angry about his college ex girlfriend, and wanted her input on what he may have done wrong and how he could be a better person. She was relaxed, supportive and honest with him (I actually thought she was talking to her best friend until she got off the phone).

They've had some very intimate discussions about their relationship and she told him he set the bar high. That made him very happy.

She's told him about her college experiences, including the guys she's been with- in some great detail. He wasn't upset by that, and told her all about his college relationship - how it started and how it ended.

His family said to say "hi" to her.

They compared their college lives, immediate plans and long term goals.

They're sort of working on coordinating calendars so they can talk in person. He'd rather talk than text. He drunk texted her once, and she gently advised him to stop, as he may regret what he says. The next morning he thanked her for "saving" him.

And, he wished my husband a happy Fathers' Day, which really touched my husband.

So, they've moved past their high school relationship and no longer hold grudges. They are by no means "in love" right now. But they are friends again, and there is respect, love and caring.

This is the way it was supposed to be...

She's coached him to be alone for awhile and learn to not need a girlfriend. He should love himself and not let some girl affect his emotions.

The other night she was texting her college athlete hookup (who she still likes), while simultaneously texting her ex. And I didn't get sad or angry. Her ex is back as a peripheral part of our family, and that makes me incredibly happy right now.

I guess what I've learned is that it's ok to reach out (carefully and cautiously) to those people one really feels a bond with. And it's just so much better to show respect and love. Last year was one of the most emotionally painful times of my life. Probably because I had no control over it and it just felt so wrong to me.

Do I miss him? Yes. But I always just wanted my daughter and him to stay connected. I don't need to be personally involved.

I feel very, very lucky and blessed.

Thanks to all who listened and supported me here. I will keep checking posts. It really has helped tremendously over the las 15 months.

Coffeeluvr

 

[connie1966]

It is nice that they are friends as long as they keep being honest to each other , who knows maybe in the future it will evolve to love again thanks for keeping us posted ,

 

[Flowers16]

Itlindian1234

Not wrong to be crying over daughter's breakup. You had a connection with another person. That's not something that happens often in the world we live in. It's sad when people move on and things change. And that person is no longer part of your life.
It's understandable you miss the young man.
It's been a few weeks since you wrote your post. I hope your heart is healing little more. Maybe one day your daughter will find a just as nice young man who you will be able to connect with too. I hope all is well with you.

Coffeeluvr
That's good there's been communicating and clearing of the air so to speak and things are better understood between you all. It sounds like you have a little more peace over the situation.

As for me. I have not talked with my son about their split up until he was ready to give me more info himself. He'd just shut down if I prodded for info.
So last night he told me a few things. And it seems it is more of a mutual split between them. The gf is not as devastated as I thought she may have been which I'm glad of. I have not seen her in all these weeks but my son has said she's doing well.
The one bit of info which he'd shared last night is about two years ago the gf was pregnant, I had no clue, but she then had a miscarriage. My son never told me at the time as he knows I have stress and he didn't want to upset me. Last night when he told me, It came as a shock and then made me terribly sad. I even started crying when I got to bed. They had gone through that together and it must have been a hard situation. But it isn't the reason for their split up, It happened a long while ago.
And they are both of the mindset that it perhaps was a good thing it happened, considering their rocky relationship.

My son and her seem to be communicating amicably and doing things for their son. (My grandson)
But my son has made it clear to me that they will not reconcile. It really is done. I was hanging on to some hope that they may get back together but I see it is not going to happen. It made me cry yet again and opened up the wounds again.
It also seems that both of them have been interested in other people. And they are open About it with one another. That part made my stomach fall and I just wish it wasn't the case. But I have no say in the matter.

I don't know how each of them are going to feel about another person being around their son but it is going to happen sooner or later.
I'm trying very hard to not be emotional about this situation but it is not easy.
I don't have any say in the matter and I just have to live with it.
I have to focus on my life and keep my mental health well. My heart still breaks though and I find all this sad.
This is the way things are.
Broken homes, broken hearts, split ups, and divorces, blended families, step parents. family living miles away from one another. It's hard. I wish it wasn't this way but what can I say or do.
Thanks to anyone for listening.
I hope you all can focus on good things, focus on your own individual lives, have interesting hobbies and positive people in your lives, We can't change things most of the time and we as mothers as much as it hurts and breaks our hearts we just have to accept the way things are and respect and love our children and their decisions and just be there for them when they need.

 

[flowerchild1]

Ok, so this post might be over, but I thought I am going insane and typed in when daughter breaks up with boyfriend on the internet and this thread came up! I don't even know what kind of group I joined, chickens? Ok, so if anyone could help I'm going to vent. My daughter just broke up with her boyfriend of 4 years. She is 20 he is 22. I know young. No one can believe that they are broken up, they were the greatest couple. The always talked about a future. She decided that she is "not feeling it anymore". The bf is devastated, I am devastated. This guy is like my son and I love him dearly. My daughter is angry at me and wants me to get over it and support her. I am doing a lot of stuffing on that part!!! I have contacted him and told him I don't understand it all, he doesn't either. So how do I deal with this? My other daughter tells me to meddle out. But after reading the other posts, how do you meddle out after welcoming this person into your heart and home? I do have a very full life, I work, I have hobbies and many friends, but this just is hitting me very hard. I would like to hear how you all survived this. It feels like a death.

 

[Coffeeluvr]

Hi Flowerchild1,

I'm sorry that there's yet another mom going through this. It really is awful and a death. It's the death of the relationship you had trusted, had hopes and subconscious and conscious expectations of the future about. Those that haven't experienced it can respect your feelings, but they truly can't grasp the depth of pain it causes.

I still really believe that once this guy becomes like a son (especially watching him grow up for years), it goes against your gut to suddenly be expected to cut him out.

My advice is this: do everything you can to respect your daughter's feelings, and ask her to respect yours. And hopefully, she can someday see that your relationship with him, in some ways, has little to do with her. For me, it was like asking me to abruptly disown one child because my other child demanded it.

I can now (17 months later) explain to my daughter that while I knew my baby birds would all leave the nest- it devastated me to have one bird push the semi-adopted bird out of the nest. All my maternal instincts are telling me to go rescue him or at least be able to check on him and make sure he's ok.

Just like our daughters are feeling that overwhelming need to be free of this guy, we feel tremendously irresponsible/ neglectful/ hurtful if we do as our daughters think we should. However, your daughter will not likely be ready to hear this for a very long time.

So, vent here, to your friends, whomever else it takes, for as long as it takes.

I won't say time heals, because my world did not spin correctly again until my husband called him and we met for lunch.

My story has gotten much better. Last night, my daughter's ex called and came to our house and we talked for 2 hours. Our daughter is back at school (he knows that), so she wasn't there. We could now talk about our daughter freely with him, and he talked to us a little about his recent college ex girlfriend.

There were literally hundreds of days and nights where I never thought this would happen. All I could imagine was awful futures. I never want to go there again. Ever.

I really do care and hope that you'll continue to write. For some reason, it just helps so much to feel that anybody else can empathize. Your feelings are real and perfectly justified and normal.

Take care,

Coffeeluvr

 

[connie1966]

I recently reconnected with an old friend and she's going through the same thing! I guess it's more common then we think Btw my daughters x hangs out with these kids which are my old friends sons, he went over and they spoke about me he said he loves me he's grateful for everything I did for him and that I'm smart and taught him a lot and that he cut things off not to hurt me cause he knew I would take his side over my daughter and he didn't want that , and he told her he f***** up more then once that he was going through family issues and it affected him which in turn affected my daughter, I hate that he blames himself , anyway the best part is that after three years I got a hello from him through her and it's like it gave me life , I'm dying to write him but I don't want to push him away so I'm thinking if he wants to talk to me he will do so on his own time I still miss him every single day and love him that will never stop

 

[Flock Master64]

Hi is anyone welcome in this thread?

 

[connie1966]

Yes of course

 

[Flock Master64]

Never had a girl friend before, or been on a date. I don't know why I subscribed this thread