Heather let me tell you what I did that day. I helped my boy up and down the steps outside for potty, then we had breakfast and he got his favorite people food. Then we played for a bit until his hips started hurting so I made a couple buckets of really warm water, one soapy and in the bright sunshine I gave him a bath and talked to him, I got tons of kisses and lots of eye connections, I dried him off and helped him back inside to his blankie and helped him lay down...he yelped a little from the pain and looked at me...it was in those big beautiful eyes of his....I swear he was telling me "No mama stop helping me" I sat on the floor with him petting him and talking to him while he slept and helped him into the van. We went to lunch and he got his favorite McDonald's hamburger plain with pickles, then to DQ for a vanilla ice cream cone and then to the vet's.
They gave him a shot to make him loopy and I sat on the floor with his paws under my outstretched legs and his head in my lap, petting him and talking to him. The vet came in and gave him the shot, which he never felt and I held him while he went to sleep. I told the vet thank you and took a tissue and wiped away the blood from the shot on his white paw. When the door closed, I lost it! For 30 minutes I was completely out of control and no one cared, no one bothered us as I held him and cried. I put on his favorite red harness and bandana, wrapped him with his favorite blankie and put his favorite toy in it, and let them take him to be cremated.
He had bladder cancer and for months we thought it was a bad infection, the vet's kept trying and finally he was urinating straight blood and yelping when he laid down or had to climb the steps. I looked at him into his eyes and I knew I had to let go and do what was best for him.
You cannot blame yourself or have regrets, nor can you allow those moments of seemingly puppy behavior sway you. Your heart knows what needs to be done and what is best for her and your heart also knows it will hurt you. Be strong for her, show no fear, show her only strength, love and determination to do what is best for her....thank her for all these years of love and companionship and then show your love by saying goodbye and doing what is best for her. But hold no regrets, we all lose patience, life is busy and she knows that. That face in the picture knows and remembers only your love. Let her have that on her last day and in her final moments....let her see and feel only your smile, strength and love....not regret.
I wish I could be there with you and help hold you up....tomorrow, should you feel a weakening moment and your legs feel weak and sudddenly you feel a gentle hand as soft as a whisper or as strong as steel, whichever you need, in your back holding you steady....it will be all of us here, supporting you and caring. You can count on my heart and hand with you.
