(ex)-boyfriend problems, advice needed

[chickened]

Is it just me but I was in no way this involved with any girl in high school. When a girl had that ball and chain look I was gone.

 

[MallardDuckling]

I'm hear for you 77! I'm a young teenage girl and have been with my boyfriend for almost 2 years now.
We've had our own ups and downs.
I too have pushed my bf away because I was too clingy, didn't feel like he cared or loved me. I still feel that way sometimes, but I have to look at what he did/does for me.

If you guys don't get back together right away, or at all, then it simpley wasn't meant to be. We must experience heartache before we can truely love. It really does get better. I've been there. The first guy I fell head over heels for, I pushed away bit by bit (there were also other reasons involved..). When he left, I thought I would die. I really did. I had my friends and family help pick up the pieces and I moved on slowly. I'm glad his memory didn't keep me form moving on. I found an amazing guy who I love dearly.

Sometimes we get so wrapped up in love, we forget about everything else. Life, friends, family, pets, sports, hobbies etc. Go live your life, if he comes back, he comes back. Try not to go after him. If he wants you, he'll come after you.

I wish you the best of luck 77! If you need someone to talk to you can always message me

 

[mayfieldk]

Oh honey. I'm so sorry.

I could have written your posts a few years ago, only me and my ex were together for 3 years, friends for 6 years before that. We had a lot of history. I loved him so much; a good guy, a talented guy, the guy all my friends wanted. I did not deserve him. When you wrote that you weren't a good conversationalist on the phone, or that he didn't believe in premarital sex, or that he's christian... honey, my ex was the EXACT same. I could not believe I had been so lucky to not only find him, but have him like me back. Spending time with him was incredible; my heart raced every time I drove to his house, even three years later after the first date. We never fought.

When I went to college 600 miles away, we vowed to stick together because... how could we not?

Second year of college, first semester, he got 'busy'. And indeed he was, he was a triple major and had extra curricular activites on the side, and was trying to plan to go to France for a study abroad semester. Busy, capital 'B'. In the beginning of the semester everything was fine.

In the middle of the semester, he was too busy to really call/text for a week or two, and then I did what you did. 'We need to talk, this is getting ridiculous'. He called, and broke up with me on the phone--it's too hard, we're too busy, I'm too far, not enough time.

I begged him to consider a break so we could figure something out, begged him to work out something, just like you did. He even gave me the 'I just need to think,' thing, too. It left me with too much hope. I remember crying until I couldn't think straight on the front porch, in freezing cold weather, wondering how I was supposed to put my life back together.

Everyone said he was a jerk, but they just didn't KNOW him like I did. They'd never met him, how were my college friends supposed to give me good advice?

I'm going to give you the advice you need to hear, and please, please take this to heart.

He is a good man.

But he has moved on.

NONE of this is your fault. Your constant apologizing makes me sad; your need to blame yourself 'for good reason' is so familiar to me, but still so so wrong. Your ex has grown apart from you--and as you get older and change, this happens--but he still cares about you so much. He does not want to break up with you because it will hurt you deeply, so he is trying to be as gentle with you as possible. He cares, but he does not love you in "that way". Your ultimatum was his way of breaking up with you and off-loading some of the blame on to you so he did not feel as bad as he did (breaking up with someone out of the blue is hard). If you continue to call him about the relationship, all it is doing is making him feel more guilty, and possibly fill you up with false hope.

Remember this: If a man loves you, there is NEVER a time 'too busy', never a 'too far', never a 'it's too hard'. Men fight for what they want.

Sweetie, he is not fighting for you any longer, and there is nothing you can do about it but move on.

Please, PLEASE look into the term 'co-dependent'. Your constant apologizing, need to blame, say you 'didn't deserve him', your want to change to be a better person FOR him (and not for yourself!)--all of these things scream 'co-dependent' to me. If you understand your weaknesses (and they were mine once too), you can better take care of yourself and move on from this. You'll be alright.

Me and my ex still keep in touch and are good good friends to this day, and a year later after he broke up with me he came out as bisexual. What an odd world! He is a great person, and now look back on this as a sad situation, but thankful that it happened because it made me the person I am now, and am now with the guy I am today.

Feel free to PM me if needed.

 

[Chickerdoodle13]

It seems like you are blaming yourself pretty harshly for the breakup, but if he was distant before the text message I highly, highly doubt the text message was the reason for the breakup. We can't really know what is going on in other people's minds, but his sounds like it was in other places way before the break up (I don't mean cheating or anything of the sort. Mostly just that his mind, or heart, just wasn't into the relationship at this point). People grow up and grow apart, and there is nothing wrong with that. Sometimes we just need time to become our own person.

I know it's hard, but try to look at all the positive things. Now you have more YOU time. You can spend more time with your girlfriends. Enjoy male eye-candy again. You can have time to pick up a new hobby, or to join a new club. I'm guessing you are in highschool and if you are planning to go on to college, not having a boyfriend is actually a pretty good thing. Most people break up during the first few months of college anyway. Plus, this will give you extra time to look at schools. Maybe you will have more time for church activities now. Being single actually has quite a few plusses. Use this time to relax.

 

[MallardDuckling]

It seems like you are blaming yourself pretty harshly for the breakup, but if he was distant before the text message I highly, highly doubt the text message was the reason for the breakup. We can't really know what is going on in other people's minds, but his sounds like it was in other places way before the break up (I don't mean cheating or anything of the sort. Mostly just that his mind, or heart, just wasn't into the relationship at this point). People grow up and grow apart, and there is nothing wrong with that. Sometimes we just need time to become our own person.

I know it's hard, but try to look at all the positive things. Now you have more YOU time. You can spend more time with your girlfriends. Enjoy male eye-candy again. You can have time to pick up a new hobby, or to join a new club. I'm guessing you are in highschool and if you are planning to go on to college, not having a boyfriend is actually a pretty good thing. Most people break up during the first few months of college anyway. Plus, this will give you extra time to look at schools. Maybe you will have more time for church activities now. Being single actually has quite a few plusses. Use this time to relax.

My favorite!
I'm happily taken, but I will always enjoy eye-candy, taken or not!

 

[jamesbwood]

"I honestly thought it would go a lot differently, that my message would open his eyes and make him realize that he hurt me by being distant. "

Dudes don't think like this or react well to this. In general, we are socially very simple creatures - much less complex then women. LOL If I ask my wife a yes or no question the answer could be anything, but it is rarely the simple yes or no I'm hoping for to make a decision and get on with what I'm working on. You can get yourself in hot water over-analyzing us and imagining all kinds of stuff that isn't there. If you want to be closer to a guy, a simple direct approach is best: "I miss you so much, when can I see you again?" As I mentioned some posts back: the light side of the force works wonders on us guys.

Listening to your partner is also critical. I think you were to caught up in your own drama to hear him and his needs and blasted him with what he was trying to escape from.

"you should be able to express your feelings and concerns in a relationship"

You should be able to. And you did. And so did he and that is that. This dance takes two people and BOTH of them have veto power.

Chickerdoodle13 rightly points out that long term relationships are work. I often tell my wife that "I'm that special person that she chose to annoy the heck out of her till death do we part". Yeah it is a joke but the joke is that it is true. She is great but this isn't a Disney movie and I ain't Prince Charming. Both of us do, occasionally, annoy the heck out of each other in little and rarely not so little ways like the rusting broken backhoe I bought for 4 grand that is now sitting in the front yard. . . But here is the thing, we both trust and respect each other and that is essential.

For dudes, and I suspect the women here also, co-dependancy isn't attractive or healthy. That was also a very good point. You should be secure in who you are before entering into a new relationship (which you should avoid for a while). Relationships are partnerships amoung different equals, ideally both sides bring a lot to the table and both sides more or less equally give and take.

 

[furbabymum]

That reminded me of a quote: "If you can't handle me at my worse, you don't deserve me at my best." He said his life is too hectic to fit a girl like me in his life...meaning he can't handle me right now in his life because I stressed him out too much. But I thought love meant that you stayed with someone despite their flaws? Or is that just being selfish? :/ I don't know. I know you shouldn't change for someone, but part of me wants to change so that maybe he'll change his mind. I'm definitely going to work on being less clingy and everything for my own good, but part of me wants to do it just for the purpose of trying to get him back. Is that wrong of me to think?
And it's not that I didn't trust his actions when we were separated with school and such. I knew he would never cheat on me. It's just that I didn't trust his feelings. I was paranoid that his feelings would change and we would grow apart because of the separation. That paranoia ultimately made me react the way I did and pushed him away, making my fears come true. :/

I've changed some things about me for the benefit of my relationship, as has my spouse. The foundation of what makes us us has not been changed and I wouldn't want him to change that. Has me wondering if you even know who you really are. Do you? I don't expect any person to complete me because i come to them as a complete person already. Get complete and THEN look for someone to share your life with.

 

[jamesbwood]

"If you can't handle me at my worse, you don't deserve me at my best."

My wife and I see each other at our worst and our best. In sickness and in health. Through the "stomach flus" of life. Through the death of her father. Though my losing my dream job. Etc. Real, serious and inescapable drama.

I think realistically, how much stock you put into that quote should depend a lot on what you are like when you are at your worst. It also depends on how often you are at your worst - is it very rare or often? What is it like to be with you on a day to day basis? And it depends a lot on why you are at your worst - what the drama is about - how serious the issues are. Are there real serious external issues or is this drama because you like being the center of attention? Outside of this realationship, what terrible thing has happened to you to cause you to be at your worst?

For example: from before we were married when my wife's father was dying. As far as I was concerened, the entire relationship for that period of time, was all about me supporting her anyway I could. As you might imagine, she was not her normal self during that period. That give and take goes both ways. Years later she followed me 2000 miles to my dream job. The boss was not what I expected ; I was fired after 6 months. My wife was totally there for me through that dark period; I'm dam sure I was not especially fun to be around then. We are married now but dated for 5 years prior to that to build up this trust and this pattern of give and take. Overall it balances out. We are a team.


If you expect guys to sit there and take your worst again and again as some sort of test, it may be that no guy "deserves" you. You are not respecting your man or the relationship. No matter how amazing you are, it simply isn't going to be all about you all the time. There are/were two of you. Rational people do not stay with someone that is making them miserable for an extended period of time no matter how much they love them. It is self destructive to do so and leads to a very dark place. Besides, love will be suffocated under those conditions.


Yes, we all do change some for are partners. But this comes out of love and wanting to make small changes for them, for the relationship, not from being pushed/nagged into it. There is lots of great advice here. Add "get complete first" to the list. I was trying to say that but furbabymum said it much better.

 

[77horses]

It seems like you are blaming yourself pretty harshly for the breakup, but if he was distant before the text message I highly, highly doubt the text message was the reason for the breakup. We can't really know what is going on in other people's minds, but his sounds like it was in other places way before the break up (I don't mean cheating or anything of the sort. Mostly just that his mind, or heart, just wasn't into the relationship at this point). People grow up and grow apart, and there is nothing wrong with that. Sometimes we just need time to become our own person.

I know it's hard, but try to look at all the positive things. Now you have more YOU time. You can spend more time with your girlfriends. Enjoy male eye-candy again. You can have time to pick up a new hobby, or to join a new club. I'm guessing you are in highschool and if you are planning to go on to college, not having a boyfriend is actually a pretty good thing. Most people break up during the first few months of college anyway. Plus, this will give you extra time to look at schools. Maybe you will have more time for church activities now. Being single actually has quite a few plusses. Use this time to relax.

I don't think I'm blaming myself too harshly. I'm just blaming myself for things that were my fault or at least partly my fault. You're right, he was distant before that text message, and that text message wasn't what changed everything. It was just the breaking point, the point that everything led up to, the final factor that influenced his decision. It certainly wasn't the main reason for the break up, like you said.
And you're right, he was distant before this. But I don't think it was randomly out of the blue that he became distant. I feel like I influenced him to become distant. Excuses? Maybe. But after our one year, everything seemed to change. Not only with him, but with me. It's almost as if my own feelings changed. Or, at least, I thought they did or were going to. I don't know, maybe I'm just going crazy. I was scared of my own feelings changing. I was scared that his feelings were changing too. So, as a result, I became paranoid and worried even when he didn't give me a reason to be. I began overreacting over little things, like when we couldn't hangout for legit reasons, not excused (like if he had a game). Before then, if he gave me a legit reason for something, I would've been like "Oh that's perfectly fine, don't worry about it, maybe some other time " and actually meant it. But after our one year, I perceived everything with this thought in mind: "It's going to eventually end anyways, so what's the point?" This mindset plus the sudden onset of his busy schedule plus the pressure from the disapproval of his parents, altogether, hugely affected us. I think that I began giving up even before he did. Sure, I still cared for him and wanted to be with him. But my heart just wasn't in it at the time. And the more I reacted in negative ways, the more he became distant. The more he became distant, the more I worried. The more I worried, the more he became distant. And so on. Until it came down to the point that our relationship just wasn't really a relationship anymore, we were both stressed out and we both knew it, and it ended.

I think that, all in all, this just wasn't the right time or the right circumstances for our relationship. And you're right, we both changed. I knew long before we even got far into the relationship that people are bound to change. It's inevitable. What makes a relationship strong is if it can survive the change, and both people in the relationship can compromise and adjust. At least that's what I believed. And I also believed that that's what our relationship would be like. I honestly thought that we would be that one relationship that could survive anything, including both of us changing. Maybe I tried too hard. Maybe I expected too much Maybe I took it too seriously and smothered the relationship, rather than just enjoying it and keeping my cool when things didn't always go right. I remember, back before everything changed, back before I changed, when I just enjoyed the relationship and went with the flow. We were both happy, I didn't overthink everything, and it was just carefree and made me feel like love actually existed. And you know what? That's what worked for us. We just took it day by day, not too seriously as to smother it but not carelessly either. It just came naturally. And that's what worked. Why did everything have to change? Why did I have to change? Why did he have to change in response to my changing? Why couldn't I just let some things go and not make a big deal out of things that weren't a problem? Ugh. I don't know. I guess I'll just have to work on not being so high-strung and worrisome from now on. The sad thing is, I realize this now, when it's too late. Now, I might not have another chance with him to be able to fix my mistakes and compromise to make it stronger. But maybe in thinking I could do that in the first place, I'm just trying too hard and taking it too seriously again? I don't know. This is all too confusing (as you can tell from my rambling thoughts...hah) and I think I just need to take a step back from all this and not think about it for a while. I just need to get back to me again, and learn how to have fun and not worry so much. Maybe he'll see that I can still be not so uptight about everything, and he'll want to come back. Maybe not. It's just hard to forget about everything and pay attention to myself when all I can think about is him. I feel like if I just push it all away and focus only on working on me, I'll lose him forever. But then again, maybe it's the complete opposite; maybe I need to just let go in order for him to come back. Maybe me still holding on means I'll never get him back.

*sigh* All this thinking hurts my head... -_-

 

[MamaRoo]

*sigh* All this thinking hurts my head... -_-

Well then put the brain away and go for a walk. Decide that you won't spend one minute thinking about this for at least a week. Let everything settle in your mind and it will be much easier to understand. Right now everything is just kind of swirling around in your head and it's going to make you nuts. Let it go, and rejoin the world. You can always come back to it later.