(ex)-boyfriend problems, advice needed

[redhen]

 

[77horses]

Thank you all for your advice. redhen and james, you're both right.

I do plan on moving on eventually, if he doesn't come back anyways. Eventually. But in the meantime, I'm going to wait and see what happens. No, I'm not going to wait forever and yes, I'm still going to keep my options open. In the meantime, I'll also take your advice and better myself as a person. If in the time that I'm waiting another (better) opportunity comes along, maybe I'll take it. I'm not going to miss a great opportunity just because I'm too busy waiting for something that may never come. But I'm still willing to wait at least for a little while longer, rather than completely moving on right now. Maybe I am holding on to false hope, maybe not. I guess I'll have to wait and see.

 

[Chickerdoodle13]

As other posters have said, you are young and even though it doesn't feel like that horrible feeling of loss will go away, it will in time. I can tell you this from personal experience! The best thing to do right now is to keep busy and go out with other friends. Pick up a new hobby that requires your full concentration. Start a new book. Anything to take your mind off of the boy. Try not to listen to sappy love songs or anything that will make you sad. Watch a really funny, upbeat movie. These things really, really help. If you do things to make yourself happy, you will start to realize that you CAN be happy, even if you are not with a BF right now.

I've been through your situation a few times already in my life. While the feelings never really get easier, I've gotten better at doing things to make myself get over them much quicker. Staying busy ALWAYS helps me. And believe me, you will look back on this situation some day with perhaps a bit of embarrassment.

Don't harp on this boy though. Find yourself a happy place and once you are content with the way things are going, someone else will come along!

 

[77horses]

As other posters have said, you are young and even though it doesn't feel like that horrible feeling of loss will go away, it will in time. I can tell you this from personal experience! The best thing to do right now is to keep busy and go out with other friends. Pick up a new hobby that requires your full concentration. Start a new book. Anything to take your mind off of the boy. Try not to listen to sappy love songs or anything that will make you sad. Watch a really funny, upbeat movie. These things really, really help. If you do things to make yourself happy, you will start to realize that you CAN be happy, even if you are not with a BF right now.

I've been through your situation a few times already in my life. While the feelings never really get easier, I've gotten better at doing things to make myself get over them much quicker. Staying busy ALWAYS helps me. And believe me, you will look back on this situation some day with perhaps a bit of embarrassment.

Don't harp on this boy though. Find yourself a happy place and once you are content with the way things are going, someone else will come along!

Thanks, and I have been trying to keep myself busy. Hopefully I'll be getting a job soon so that will keep me a lot more busy.

 

[chickenzoo]

I think at this point in your lives your relationship was too serious. You will have plenty of time for real relationships as you both mature. Many people often find their high school sweethearts later on in life, when lessons have been learned and things that seemed important or things you worried about seem like small pebbles in a pond. Focus on your life and your goals, things will fall into place on its own. You got to say what you needed, to help you heal.... Don't force the issue. Nothing worse than someone being with you only because they didn't want to hurt you. Things will work out how they are suppose to... It just takes time, you can't plan it.... It often happens when you finally stop looking. Focus on your self, as when you love yourself and build confidence in yourself is when others can truly love you. Best Wishes

 

[furbabymum]

Well I married at 18. Married a man I'd only known 5 months. We have been married 8 years now. Hasn't been all sunshine and roses but nothing worth having ever is. I'm not going to tell you you are too young, etc. I don't care about the age of people, it's the type of person they are that matters. I've never given up on my husband through the rough times and he's never given up on me, even when we really don't like eachother very much. It's that kind of soul deep committment that is important imo. This guy isn't it. He can't handle you and he's not ready to be your forever.
I also think you need to work on you. I just really can't relate to women who can't stand seperation. Women who worry about what their signifigant other is doing while they aren't around. That is such a basic requirement for a relationship, trust. If you can't trust him to respect you even when you aren't there then something needs to be done.

 

[77horses]

I think at this point in your lives your relationship was too serious. You will have plenty of time for real relationships as you both mature. Many people often find their high school sweethearts later on in life, when lessons have been learned and things that seemed important or things you worried about seem like small pebbles in a pond. Focus on your life and your goals, things will fall into place on its own. You got to say what you needed, to help you heal.... Don't force the issue. Nothing worse than someone being with you only because they didn't want to hurt you. Things will work out how they are suppose to... It just takes time, you can't plan it.... It often happens when you finally stop looking. Focus on your self, as when you love yourself and build confidence in yourself is when others can truly love you. Best Wishes

Yeah, I agree. If it doesn't work out now, maybe we'll meet again later down the road, who knows. Or maybe that's just me holding on the smallest bit of hope again. But you're right, I don't want him to be with me only because he doesn't want to hurt me. I want him to be with me because he wants to be with me.

 

[77horses]

Well I married at 18. Married a man I'd only known 5 months. We have been married 8 years now. Hasn't been all sunshine and roses but nothing worth having ever is. I'm not going to tell you you are too young, etc. I don't care about the age of people, it's the type of person they are that matters. I've never given up on my husband through the rough times and he's never given up on me, even when we really don't like eachother very much. It's that kind of soul deep committment that is important imo. This guy isn't it. He can't handle you and he's not ready to be your forever.
I also think you need to work on you. I just really can't relate to women who can't stand seperation. Women who worry about what their signifigant other is doing while they aren't around. That is such a basic requirement for a relationship, trust. If you can't trust him to respect you even when you aren't there then something needs to be done.

That reminded me of a quote: "If you can't handle me at my worse, you don't deserve me at my best." He said his life is too hectic to fit a girl like me in his life...meaning he can't handle me right now in his life because I stressed him out too much. But I thought love meant that you stayed with someone despite their flaws? Or is that just being selfish? :/ I don't know. I know you shouldn't change for someone, but part of me wants to change so that maybe he'll change his mind. I'm definitely going to work on being less clingy and everything for my own good, but part of me wants to do it just for the purpose of trying to get him back. Is that wrong of me to think?
And it's not that I didn't trust his actions when we were separated with school and such. I knew he would never cheat on me. It's just that I didn't trust his feelings. I was paranoid that his feelings would change and we would grow apart because of the separation. That paranoia ultimately made me react the way I did and pushed him away, making my fears come true. :/

 

[Chickerdoodle13]

Personally, I think in a relationship you put up with a certain amount of annoyances because you like the person more than those things annoy. However, if a person is constantly "at their worst" it gets very tiring for the other person in the relationship. I don't think relationships are meant to be easy and after the "honeymoon" stage it can take work to keep a relationship healthy.

Honestly, (and all girls do it) you are over-analyzing the things he has said to you. I am guilty of it myself! Please, please don't change for him. At this point, it seems he has moved on. That doesn't mean he won't come back around later, but don't pine for him because well...that is just desperate. The great thing about life is we can never quite tell what will happen next. The best advice someone gave me when I was hurting over a boy was "While things may be over now, leave thing son a positive note because who knows what will happen in 5-10 years". That definitely made me think. I didn't have to wait for that person because there are other things out there waiting for me. Kind of makes me feel like life is an adventure!

 

[77horses]

Personally, I think in a relationship you put up with a certain amount of annoyances because you like the person more than those things annoy. However, if a person is constantly "at their worst" it gets very tiring for the other person in the relationship. I don't think relationships are meant to be easy and after the "honeymoon" stage it can take work to keep a relationship healthy.
You're right. For whatever reason, I seemed to always be "at my worse" after our one year passed. Because I took the stability of our relationship for granted and never once fully believed that he would end it. Heck, I didn't even completely believe that it would end on that night a week ago that I sent that long ranting message that made him end it. Even before I sent it, I had a feeling that I would regret it but I used the excuse of "you should be able to express your feelings and concerns in a relationship". I never fully believed that he would end it after that; I honestly thought it would go a lot differently, that my message would open his eyes and make him realize that he hurt me by being distant. Instead, it made things worse and he left. :/ But you're right about them needing work once they get passed the "honeymoon" stage. He just didn't want to do the work, I guess, even though I remember him once saying that I'm 100% worth it...I believed him and that's why I took out my insecure emotions on the relationship. Now look what has happened. -_-

Honestly, (and all girls do it) you are over-analyzing the things he has said to you. I am guilty of it myself! Please, please don't change for him. At this point, it seems he has moved on. That doesn't mean he won't come back around later, but don't pine for him because well...that is just desperate. The great thing about life is we can never quite tell what will happen next. The best advice someone gave me when I was hurting over a boy was "While things may be over now, leave thing son a positive note because who knows what will happen in 5-10 years". That definitely made me think. I didn't have to wait for that person because there are other things out there waiting for me. Kind of makes me feel like life is an adventure!
I know I'm probably over-analyzing...I have a tendency to do that haha...and I know I shouldn't change for him. But I want to. I don't like this clingy, paranoid person that I've become. In fact, by trying not to be so clingy and worrisome, I wouldn't be changing myself for him. I would be going back to my old self, the person he began dating in the first place, the self that I remember. I was a heck of a lot happier when I wasn't so worried over everything. Then I changed, and I don't know why. I don't think it was anything he did. I think it was because, for one, the change in his busy schedule. Or it could've been me just thinking about my bad experience with another guy that I got involved with before I started dating my ex. Or maybe it was when I found out that his step-mom disapproved of me because she thought I was "too quiet"; maybe that's what triggered my insecurities and made me worry so much, or maybe it was all of those at once. I don't know. All I know is I wouldn't be changing for him, I would be changing back to myself for my own good, with the added benefit of him possibly coming back because I changed.
And I don't plan on pining over him. Like I said, I'll still be in a state of mind where I'm willing to work things out if he does come back, but on the outside I'll be in a state where it seems that I've moved on. I'm not going to contact him unless he contacts me first. And even if he does contact me first, I'm not going to appear desperate to him by jumping right back in. And you're right, I don't know what will happen next. Maybe I'll never hear from him again. Maybe we'll meet again 10 years from now. Maybe we'll just both move on and find someone new in the next few months. Maybe I'll hear from him in a couple weeks and we'll get back together and be stronger than ever, or maybe we'll even get back together and then break up again. No one ever really knows, and honestly it's quite daunting to think about it. I don't know what will happen, I just know what I wish would happen, and I just know I need to be open to a lot of possibilities right now, including the possibility of him coming back.

(P.S. I apologize ahead of time for any long, rambling responses haha...I tend to go off on rants once I start typing, if you hadn't already noticed. )