(ex)-boyfriend problems, advice needed

[ChicksinPR]

i have a feeling that if you call him, you are going to regret it. you might just feel worse. i dated my high school sweet heart for 6 years. it wasn't till college when we saw life differntly. it was a constant game... you will live and learn. you have to decide when to think with your heart or think with your head. there are a lot of old wise hens here. we all had our hearts broken before... and we all learn from our mistakes.

 

[debilorrah]

I know where you are in your life, and this is going to be one the hardest growing up things to get through. Call him and get it over with. Feel free to cry your eyes out. Part of your insecure behavior is just maturing. Give yourself a break, recognize the behavior and be aware of it when it comes sneaking back and do what you can to stop yourself before you give in.

Time heals all wounds and it also wounds all heals.

 

[77horses]

Thank you all

I'll be calling him tomorrow night, and I'll let you guys know what happens. Whether it turns out the way I want it, the way I don't want it, or something completely unexpected happens, either way I guess it'll be a lesson learned. So thanks for all the advice and encouragement.

 

[debilorrah]

Thank you all

I'll be calling him tomorrow night, and I'll let you guys know what happens. Whether it turns out the way I want it, the way I don't want it, or something completely unexpected happens, either way I guess it'll be a lesson learned. So thanks for all the advice and encouragement.

Keep us updated please. I for one, will be around for you to talk to.

 

[zippitydooda]

You need to let this go. I don't think it's likely you'll get any real answers from him about what wasn't working, only because most people don't analyze things that carefully. It wasn't working for him and that's that.

Maybe, after the summer, you could talk to him and see if you want to consider becoming friends again, but only if you spend the summer doing some growing up and working on your insecurities.

THIS.

From what I've been reading, it sounds as if the OP wants something she can't have. We all do that....

However, (keep in mind I'm MUCH older than you), it is definitely time to move on. You said you were going to camp also. Perhaps being a single person will be more fun when meeting new friends. There will be nothing holding you down, no ties or commitments that would keep you from making plans with anyone else. I've had my share of break-ups, and to be honest, even if you do get back together, it will never be the same as it was when it was "good". You will always have the break-up as part of your history. That would be very hard to forget, and since you are a worrier, I doubt you would stop thinking/worrying about if he planned to stick around. Don't torture yourself with this choice. MOVE ON. You will always remember him as your first love, and nothing will change that. When you are my age, you will look back and see that you have loved many, many people (not just guys). Don't worry so much. Have a FUN summer.

 

[77horses]

Keep us updated please. I for one, will be around for you to talk to.

I will, and thanks, I appreciate it.

 

[keesmom]

Quote:
I think MamaRoo has some sound advice, as well as zippitydooda and ChicksinPR a few posts back. I don't see how talking things over will help you in any way, or your ex. The situation didn't work out for him, for whatever reason, and there's really not much else to say. It's time to start looking forward, not back.

 

[EweSheep]

THIS.

From what I've been reading, it sounds as if the OP wants something she can't have. We all do that....

However, (keep in mind I'm MUCH older than you), it is definitely time to move on. You said you were going to camp also. Perhaps being a single person will be more fun when meeting new friends. There will be nothing holding you down, no ties or commitments that would keep you from making plans with anyone else. I've had my share of break-ups, and to be honest, even if you do get back together, it will never be the same as it was when it was "good". You will always have the break-up as part of your history. That would be very hard to forget, and since you are a worrier, I doubt you would stop thinking/worrying about if he planned to stick around. Don't torture yourself with this choice. MOVE ON. You will always remember him as your first love, and nothing will change that. When you are my age, you will look back and see that you have loved many, many people (not just guys). Don't worry so much. Have a FUN summer.

I agree!

I've been down that road with my boyfriend, now hubby. The first time around, things were very good until his parents decided he was old enough, has responsibilities of his own and time for him to spread his wings. It was a very trying time for him since we lived two hours apart and thought I would never hear from him. I was sure we broke off so I decided to take advantage of my father's advise...give him some space. If he wants to come back, he WILL come back. If not, move on. While I was in shock of no words, no forward address and I had a job, so I kept busy, not even contacting him or a letter. Three months later, he showed up at my door, nothing worse for the wear and we both sat down and talked but he only could visit on weekends. He realized without me, he was nothing, has NOTHING to love, to share and grow old and depend on someone who will be there for him if he falls flat on his face. At the first time I laid my eyes on him after that three months absence, I didn't know what to do, either KILL him (figure of speech) or sit down and hear him out. I decided on the latter....sat down and heard him out and if he was to move in with me, here are the plans he MUST fufill his obligations. It was a long list. He did them all. I was proud of him but it made me much stronger and more determined and love him even more.

Not all men can take the marriage stuff easily or out of their comfort zone or not happy with their partners. Most of them DON'T come back so prepare yourself to move on if he wants to search elsewhere or not happy with you.

Have a great summer! Have a gallon of ice cream on me.

 

[mom'sfolly]

Here's some perspective from far away, age wise...

First loves always have a special place in your heart; but most don't last. They don't last for a variety of reasons, but I think the most significant reason is that we need relationships to learn what we want, who we are and how we want to be with someone else. Dating is to help you learn these lessons. You didn't like how clingy you were with this relationship, and he probably didn't either...some guys do like that. Learn from that experience. If you are clingy, worry, and are in constant need of reassurance in the relationship, it is not usually a balanced and even relationship. You ceded all the power in your relationship to him; which isn't fair to either of you. You are in charge of your own happiness. If you try to make another person responsible for your happiness you set up a situation where both of you will be miserable.

So, use this as a learning experience. What worked, what did you love about it, and him; what did you hate, what drove you bonkers, and what made your day? Was the anxiety you felt driven by the relationship or your own insecurities? You said you both were very busy, and that life got in the way of the relationship. That happens. When you are married and that happens, it usually ends in divorce. You're young, your priorities should be school, jobs, etc. These should take precedent over a boyfriend at this point. Recognizing this is actually a sign of maturity. Was texting enough to keep things going or do you need more face time? Was the time spent together enough to make it worth the effort to be together? Examine everything, and learn. Even if you get back together, you will have a better idea of what is important to you, and what will make things work better.

 

[jamesbwood]

I'm sorry for your loss. You are still very young and as much as this seems awful now, you will very likely have a full life in front of you. First loves are hard. Now is a good time to do some soul searching and to critically look at what it might be like to be with you. Be honest with yourself but don't beat yourself up to much, long distant relationships are really really though. If you don't have tansportation, "long" may not be that far.

As an actual DUDE, there are a few things I'd like to clear up from prior posts:

I have never left a woman becasue I wanted to pursue another one. Never. Some guys do this but they are certainly not all of us or even most of us. The guys that do this often serierly date a lot of girls and are in high demand from the ladies, my best friend in high school was one of those guys. As he date a bazillion girls, often at the same time, a lot of girls may have this experince. These guys have a history of doing this; most young women ignor their history and think that they will be the one he is different for. If your guy was with you for over a year it doesn't sound to me like he is one of those guys that just goes through women or is leaving you for another one.

I have left several women, that I truly and deeply loved at the time, becasue they were driving me nuts. Becasue being with them became somewhat miserable and we want to be with someone that is enjoyable to be around. Despite what you read in womans magazines, men (and most everyone) do not react well to manupulation, guilt trips and especially ultimatums "If you don't do X then Y is going to happen". I think you understand that. It was not that one outburst that ended it but a series of things with that outburst as the final straw.

We want to be loved more or less as we are; we don't want to be changed into someone we are not.

That doens't mean that the woman we love do not have a huge influence on us. It is just that this influences comes not from the "dark side" but from the light side, the fun, sunshine, smiles and hugs side. Most guys will do a heck of a lot for the girl they love.

You feel that you have to call him and so you will. He was with you for over a year so I'm sure that some part of him likely misses you. But don't get your hopes up. If it was more stressful to be with you than to not be with you, you may not get the results you want. Either way you will learn more about yourself and grow as a person (which can be, and often is, a painful process).

Almost all of us have gone through stuff like this.

James

By the way, I married my high school sweetheat. Back then she was "the one" - my partner for life - I could not have been more certain. 6 years later she divorced me and a month after that moved in with another guy who she latter married. Hmmmm It took a long time before I remarred. I can't tell you how happy I am with my wife now and how patient she had to be before I was willing to give marriage a second try. I'm 40, we were married a year ago and dated for a loooong time before that.

On every life some rain must fall. Good luck!