Family Matters...

[thechickenchick]

Quote:
This is my question also. What is your reason for wanting to "out" your Dad who isn't really part of the family anyway? Is it that you want to find her and have her be a part of your life? Are you hoping maybe someone in your family knows something that may help you locate her? If so, then thats a different story but if it is just to make sure everyone knows, then I would keep it to myself. It would/could do more harm than anything. JMO.

 

[dichotomymom]

Family is not a secret or ever should be. This is a sister you have every right to know and so does the rest of your family. I've never understood the mentality of pretending a child doesn't exist. I probably wouldn't discuss it over Christmas though, maybe the next day?

 

[redhen]

Quote:
Ditto...
i'd let people know..
its YOUR sister and their relative also..... no need to hide it at all...

 

[FarmerChick]

just remember the old saying-- don't kill the messenger.

sometimes they do kill the messenger! the messenger is the one that the family gets ticked off at and could screw up relationships in that family.

you just never know......again, do what you think is right. life is a crapshoot how it will fall.

 

[Sonoran Silkies]

This is not the kind of thing about which "announcements" are ever appropriate. If sharing the secret becomes appropriate, that is what you do--share it with one person and then another and another, individually in private conversations.

The child was given up for adoption, so while she is biologically your sister and a family member, from the standpoint of "ownership" or "relationship" she is not. If she was adopted, her biological parents chose to sever that bond for whatever reason; she may or may not want to re-connect, and that is her choice; 42 years ago is was not uncommon for adoption to be kept secret--not even letting the adoptee know that he/she was not born to her parents, and it may well be that this is the case--or not. If you find this to be the case, DO NOT contact her--it will cause unbearable hurt.

I am thinking from the tenor of your posts that this secret is a recent revelation to you, and that you feel the need to talk about it, and that you are not getting the answers that you crave--and the fact that the answers you have gotten are contradictory is even more confusing to you. Feel free to talk privately with a close friend, be it a family member or not; neither ask that the information be kept secret, nor request that it be shared. Search public records to find what information is available--that may narrow the date of adoption, and let you know whether it was at birth or later. If your father was previously married, that is a public record, even if the marriage was later annulled. I believe there are websites devoted to allowing adoptees and birth families to re-unite, so you may want to see if you can find that sort of resource.

 

[redhen]

I know so many adopted children WANT to be found by their bio family...
But...i do agree that if she dosent know that she was adopted then i dont think that i'd contact her either. Because it could really hurt her..

 

[DuckLady]

Quote:
+ Eleventy billion

 

[crzychickenlady]

I would try to get more info before telling the family. She is well of age by now and may or may not know anything about this, but being a grown up, I don't see the repercussion being as hard as it may be if she were a smaller child.

We have a site here, you can look anyone up and see their court history. I wonder if you have one there as well. Ours is called Case.net.
If he were married and then divorced, the divorce would be listed on such a site and there, you may be able to find the mothers name. That's a start, might be kind of difficult tho as a woman's last name can change with marriage.

Other than that, you may have to go back to the source and try to find your father and get some information there, if that is at all possible.
This is a very hard situation because you have so little information to go on. Another option could be to try and find any of the "refuge" places there and see if they have any records from that time when the baby would have been born....here tho, you would need the mothers name.

I see no reason not to pursue this, but I think you wont get very far without information from your father or the mothers name.

My brother has been going though something similar for a long time now. Somewhere out there he has a half sister that he would like to know.

I wish you luck and I hope you find her!

 

[Sonoran Silkies]

Quote:
I strongly disagree. To discover at the age of 42 that your whole life-history was a charade could easily be devastating to the most strong, mature person. IFF she knows she is adopted, then of course not, but if she does not, it will destroy precious memories of her real parents--the ones who adopted her--and it may well rend their relationship. I am not saying that a search should not be done, but rather that iff she is found, that then an important decision needs to be carefully considered, and that the OP's emotions are NOT the most important issue.

 

[dichotomymom]

THis is why an adopted child should be told from the get go. Everyone has a right to their history, ugly or not.