Funny fart stories: you'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll gag!!

[FrenchHen]

I just chuckled in response to Jenn.
Husband: more farting.
He rolled his eyes and returned to his movie.

 

[Linda in San Diego]

Ok, the last few have me laughing out loud here - and the family wants to know what is so funny!

 

[amamaofmany]

My father gave me two gifts, his artistic talent and his wonky intestines. Its horrible!

Some years back I went on a long retreat weekend with some friends, and the last meal we ate before the 4 hour trip home was chicken in gravy with a lot of heavy fixin's. I over ate because it was soooo good!

I forgot that when I got home, I was going to be expected to go immediately to my sister in law's baby shower at her mother's house. My brother in law is a lawyer, so there this was going to be more like a cocktail party with both men and women from the legal profession. I'm already like a fish out of water. I'm so not 'professional' material to begin with.

So there I am, standing in the midst of all these futzy-type legal people from his office who are all wearing clothes that come from stores I couldn't afford to peek into, drinking mixed drinks I'd never heard of before talking about things I don't have a clue about, when my intestines began suddenly setting up a real fuss from my previous meal. It hurt so bad. I was afraid to move for fear of bursting! Every muscle in my lower half was clamped as hard as I could make it and I was trying to look like nothing was wrong. Not easy, let me tell you!

Then it happened without my consent. It was HUGE silent, and completely horrific in odor. There was one man standing next to me in this group and I think most of the women around us assumed it was him....at least I hoped they did. He KNEW it was me, I could tell!

I wanted to leave but couldn't. Finally, I planted myself down on an ottoman and just stayed there hoping that my sister in law's mother didn't need to burn it in order to destinkify her livingroom.

Thanks Dad. I'm scarred for life, and so is an entirel legal office.

 

[JennsPeeps]

Another fart term definition: "crop-dusting"

Crop-dusting is when you walk and fart at the same time, covering a large area with your stink.

To use in a sentence: "My friend ate so many beans that he crop-dusted the entire movie theatre on his way to our row."

 

[FrenchHen]

Jenn, you're killing me, you know that?

I organized a chili cookoff a few years ago and Cranky Church Lady wouldn't let me put Beano on the buffet.

Twas a good thing it was in a barn.

 

[JennsPeeps]

Hey, I even have a funny fart story in French! LOL

My French host dad had had a hernia while serving in the Algerian war. The rupture was repaired in Germany, however for the remainder of his life has hasn't been abel to control himself. He fluffs constantly. One day we were walking up the stairs of their house and he let fly right in my face. I got to tell everyone that: "Il m'a pete dans la geule!"

And now, dear friends, you can say "He farted right in my face" in French.

To learn to pronounce it, repeat after me, mes amis:
Eel ma pay-tay dan la gul.

Say it with righteous indignation, people!! Eel ma pay-tay dan la gull.

Now you all know something useful in French. This will come in useful if you have a flatulent Parisian waiter or an older, stronger, irritating French brother.

 

[FrenchHen]

In the south of France one can say:
pete-moi le pain!

Fart me the bread! It means to pass it down the table.

 

[JennsPeeps]

OMG, there's a reason why I never got the Southern French! Their accent is inpenetrable - I can't understand half of what they say down there.

"Pete-moi le pain". That's just awful.

 

[al6517]

I am the master of the,

ONE CHEEK SNEAK, just lean- lift and- let r fly.

AL

 

[Mesa]

Oh man my cheeks hurt from laughing so hard. Um... my face cheeks, not the other ones!