Having this child now reassures me of some things.

[debilorrah]

I wasn't a bad parent after all. This little 3 year old, who has had no consistency in his life at all, is really, really lost with receiving it now. Frankly, I am a bit baffled. My patience runs thin, after telling him 197 times, please do not do that. I KNOW I have to be patient, but how does one be patient when patience is thin???? Sara is his main caregiver, and she fell asleep. He came out, snuck out really because he should be in bed.

I tell him stay on the couch or go to bed. I find him on the floor under the coffee table. I make him come out on his own, be careful of your head, there ya go, you can stand up now. Couch or bed. Then I find him in the pantry - hiding.

Ok, come on out. I am not mad, I never yelled, spoke softly yet firmly. Couch or bed. Then I find him UNDER the bed. Come on out, you are not in trouble. What do I get? "I'm sorry." How do you tell a three year old that has no CLUE what a real family is that he does not have to be sorry for breathing????

 

[HennyJenny]

Debi - that is just heartbreaking. I have no advice - but you and this child are in my prayers.

 

[HyLinda]

Just keep telling him over and over and over again. When my 6 yo DSS came to live with us he hung on to his Daddy's leg continuously. It took about 6 months before he didn't need the constant contact any more. Today he is 20 yrs old and a stong, self-confident young man.

 

[HeatherLynn]

I will tell you that the hiding thing or finding a different place to sleep is an insecurity thing. My daughter did it when there were some work, school, and housing changes all at the same time. Every single night we had to search for her. Give him time and he will stop. We ended up letting her sleep in our room in a little bed. My SIL has foster kids who will try to do the same thing. She put alarms on their doors so she knows when they do sneak out to sleep elsewhere.

I don't think you can explain it. He will catch on when you love him, cuddle him even when he does this stuff. Again one of the foster kids came from a really horrid home and he had so many issues. Literally a glass of spilled milk had him fearful that he was about to be sent away. Time fixed that one. He just needed positive experiences to change his outlook.

 

[PineappleMama]

Repeat Repeat Repeat.

He's the way he is because of bad things repeating to the point that they became the norm...

So, logically only through repeating good things will he finally learn what normal is really supposed to be.

It's a theory anyways.

 

[can you hear me now?]

Agreed. It takes time to form good habits and behavior. All you can do is instill good values and manners, show them love and teach them right from wrong. Eventually you will see results of your hard work and devotion pay off in some way or another. Good luck and I will keep you guys in my prayers.

 

[debilorrah]

When I found him under the bed and he said "I'm sorry", i just hugged him, put him on the bed and told him, you can stay here or you can come lie on the couch and watch TV with me. He is now asleep - on the bed. I am baffled as to what to do next.

This womans other two kids, my steps, Kenny and Sara (19 and 21) were talking to us tonight about the guilt trips that their mother lays on them. Like she needed someone to drive her 45 minutes to another hospital due to an infection on her face from tweeking and picking it to death. We told both kids DO NOT DO IT! They didn't. But they both had a sense of guilt about it.

I finally told them - she has never bothered with your birthdays, any holidays, any milestones in your life. Her issues are NOT your fault and she can find her own way down there!!!!

 

[poltroon]

Let me ask a silly question.

Is it really a problem if he sleeps under the coffee table, if that's his choice?

It makes you feel bad, I understand. But if he feels more secure that way, maybe it's okay to let him choose that, if he's not inconveniencing you any more than he would be on the couch.

Similarly ... if he really wants to sleep under the bed, I realize that breaks your heart - but is there any harm in letting him? Putting him on the top of the bed makes you feel better, but I don't think it makes him feel better. He'll come out on his own, given time, I suspect.

Good luck, and take care.

 

[can you hear me now?]

Exactly. I firmly believe if people know about things it just makes them better people. We see all the time about crimes commuted that were in some way shape or form influenced by upbringing. I feel if they can overcome it, it only makes them stronger. I can say this because my father was a pretty bad alcoholic. My mother left around when we were five. He was functional, went to work and provided, but emotionally I pretty well brought myself up. I have had my share of bumps bruises and mistakes in life but all in all I turned out pretty well. Am drug free, not reliant on alcohol, and feel I have a good sense of manners and values. I try to give the same to ky kids. But I let them know to be their own person and I feel they do pretty well at it. Still hope all goes well with this kid. Patience is a virtue.

 

[debilorrah]

Quote:
Yes there is harm in it, because his mother is a drug addict and he most likely doing it because he has been forced to, or he needs to hide. I want him to experience a somewhat normal way of living. I know there is no real "normal", but sleeping in a bed, eating at a table, washing your hands, listening to elders when they have your best interest at heart, is my kind of normal.

We are ALL now questioning if he may have some learning/social issues. i absolutely DO NOT want to slap a label on this kid before we have had him full time for a few years. We just notice things about him. One minute loving with an animal, the next quietly hurting it. One minute all smiles and laughing the next minute screaming and crying - not anger either. Hurt.