heartbreaking when children go astray

[Spookwriter]

I've been out for a few days, been a hectic week in my own business. But I've
still tried to follow along as I could.

I completely understand this parents decision to not share the details of her
child's personal life. Let us focus on discussing the issue, and not the person.

As a parent, I guess I'll always love my children. As long as there's a breath in
my body. That's the way I feel. If I've got a roof over my head...they'll always
have a home to come to.

No...I may not always love what my children are doing. May not even like it. But
I will ALWAYS love them.

But in that same love...I have no intention of helping them do something I disapprove
of. But....I'm not in that position.

I bet it's easier said than done.

Can a parent control the decisions of an adult child? No, they can't. It's that simple.
But that doesn't mean the parent ever stops loving them, or caring about them. Or
even praying about them, it they're religious.

Bad decisions.

Does that somehow mean we failed as parents...Did God fail as being God?

Why? How?

I answer only for my own life. My decisions. Yes, I am responsible for the actions
of my minor child. As her parent, it is my responsibility to help her, guide her, and
assist her to be the best person SHE can be.

Just as I've had some good mentors in my life, I've had some failures that I will never
forget.

Some many years ago, I lost a brother to drugs. An addict. Sure, there's times I still
think about my brother. I loved him. But it wasn't my parents fault. It wasn't God's
fault.

One of my best good childhood friends...doing life in prison today. No chance of parole.

Bad decisons. Life altering.

Even as I regret their bad decisions, I know --I know with all that I am-- that the results
of their decisons impacted my life. That I WILL make the best decisons about my life that
I can make.

Out of that same group of friends....we didn't all turn out bad. One just today, named as
the new high school principal. We've become bankers, lawyers, college professors,
local businessmen, teachers.

At some point in our life, I'd say we've all made a few bad choices. But we've also made
a few good choices along the way.

I remember telling my wife one time that the boy she married in me doesn't exist anymore.
That I've evolved into who I am today.

And that same statement is true for our children.

 

[MuranoFarms]

Quote:
I'm also curious, but I have a 5 year experience that just may be the same as her daughters. If I can share my experience, journey to recovery and hope for the future....I would love to. Her decision to not tell us publicly, I completely understand.

When it comes to my kids though....recently my son was dating 'the town ho' (can I say that here?) We just moved and he was lonely and started dating the first girl that flirted with him. When he found out the truth behind her reputation a few weeks later (her mother called me about it, with proof!) he tried to break up with her. She threatened to kill herself. My boy was so afraid she would, he made himself sick for 2 weeks with migraines, puking, insomnia. It was awful. He felt responsible so he stayed with her. She started flaunting it it his face that she'd done stuff with boys that he had never done yet. Pushing him to do things. (I found a note from her in the laundry) She told him who to talk to...who not to. Where he could go, who he could hang out with. They're 15!!! I prayed so hard for him to break up with her. Finally I realized, it's God's will not mine. Then I started praying he would protect my boy. A month later, she dumped him for a "faster" boy. Another month later, he's starting to be interested in another girl. Life moves on....

My point, praying for what I want is always a bad thing. Sometimes we think we know what is best, but we don't. I thought it was best that he break up with her. Now that I think about it....she would have just pulled the "I'll kill myself" thing again and he wouldn't have been able to do it. By putting it in Gods hands, I let go and let God take control. Your daughter will be ok....as long as God is in control.

 

[Katy]

Quote:
Yes, it would be nice to know because what one person considers a sin or lifestyle that will condem a person to hell another wouldn't find so appalling, but I don't think she needs to share exactly what her daughter is doing. It really wouldn't change the fact that whatever is going on is upsetting to her. I mean there are religions that condem watching TV because they find it sinful...or women wearing jeans is against their rules.....certainly hope neither of those are true.....I'm doomed if they are!!

 

[deb1]

Quote:
I'm also curious, but I have a 5 year experience that just may be the same as her daughters. If I can share my experience, journey to recovery and hope for the future....I would love to. Her decision to not tell us publicly, I completely understand.

When it comes to my kids though....recently my son was dating 'the town ho' (can I say that here?) We just moved and he was lonely and started dating the first girl that flirted with him. When he found out the truth behind her reputation a few weeks later (her mother called me about it, with proof!) he tried to break up with her. She threatened to kill herself. My boy was so afraid she would, he made himself sick for 2 weeks with migraines, puking, insomnia. It was awful. He felt responsible so he stayed with her. She started flaunting it it his face that she'd done stuff with boys that he had never done yet. Pushing him to do things. (I found a note from her in the laundry) She told him who to talk to...who not to. Where he could go, who he could hang out with. They're 15!!! I prayed so hard for him to break up with her. Finally I realized, it's God's will not mine. Then I started praying he would protect my boy. A month later, she dumped him for a "faster" boy. Another month later, he's starting to be interested in another girl. Life moves on....

My point, praying for what I want is always a bad thing. Sometimes we think we know what is best, but we don't. I thought it was best that he break up with her. Now that I think about it....she would have just pulled the "I'll kill myself" thing again and he wouldn't have been able to do it. By putting it in Gods hands, I let go and let God take control. Your daughter will be ok....as long as God is in control.

Sometimes bad relationships teach a person what they don't want in a future spouse. In the long run they can end up being positive even though they feel like h3ll at the moment that the person is experiencing them.

 

[redux]

I am grateful every day that my daughter is not in jail and not pregnant. Would I like more than that? Sure, but I am not greedy. I am grateful for small favors.

 

[mom'sfolly]

Not knowing the entire situation it is hard to give great advice, but some things to keep in mind.

Your early adult years are about discovering who you are and what you believe. You came to god slowly, if I remember your accounts. Give your daughter the room and time to do the same. Many young people move away from the values they were raised with, and then come back to them. It is a process. I think if you are having lots of discussions with your daughter, and telling her she is wrong in her choices, you are likely to push her away and harden her stance. If she is doing something that makes her a danger to your other children, then they shouldn't be allowed to get together.

From what you have said, her father and you have very different ideas about what is appropriate, moral, and allowed. Hopefully she will be able to make good choices in the long term. What she does at 19 will not be the same thing she will be doing at 30. People do grow up.

Talk to your pastor, maybe that will give you some comfort and perspective. These talks are confidential, so even in your small town, nothing should get around. It is also not slander if the statements are true. It sounds more like you feel that she would be negatively judged by her actions, so you will not mention them. That's a decision you have to make.

 

[Happily Ever After]

I feel your pain, but you have to remember that god made them as autonomous beings with free will. I bet you did your best. Like everyone here has said love and acceptance of the person and not the behavior is all you can do. Breathe in. Breathe out. Repeat.

 

[Sir Birdaholic]

Quote:
I was the "black sheep", & went through the "school of hard knocks" & finally grew up. I've been happily married now for 24 years, & never had as much as a speeding ticket since my wife made me " get with the program". If the young ones would only listen to experience!

 

[jeaucamom]

Yeah, I totally get the whole "learned my lesson" thing, I sure have enough experience with that, but I am even more, and eternally grateful for the things I DIDNT go through. I have made lemonade out of the things that I turned into lemons in my life, but I deeply treasure the few things that I did maintian my purity and innocence in. I did my best to convey the difference to my kids, but they will choose their own path, I just wanted them to choose better things for themselves.

 

[Prettiest Frog]

My mother thinks I'm a fool who threw away my potential and took a dangerous path in life that would have eternal consequences. She truly believes I threw my life away. She has taken a martyr's stance that in spite of how I have disappointed her, she will be there for me when I have come to my senses and learned my lesson. And because of this, on the few occasions I have been in need and wanted guidance in my life, I would have chosen someone at random from the phone book before I went to her.

I am happy. More than that, I am content. Sure, I probably could have aced law school and be working in a high-powered law firm as she envisioned me being at this point. But I wouldn't be happy. I have indeed learned my lesson, and unfortunately for my mother that lesson was that her guilt-trips are not conductive to my happiness.

If your daughter is happy, be happy for her, even if her happiness is not what you envisioned for her. Even if you don't understand how she can be happy in the life she has chosen.