Help Please - Death and No Memorial - I'm Upset

[KellyHM]

My mom doesn't want a viewing or funeral either. She just wants everyone to remember her how she was alive.

 

[Jess N Jeff]

My little brother passed away this past december. He was only 29. It was a compelet and utter shock to our entire family. My mother was a total basket case and my father couldn't get out of bed. With me being the oldest, most of the arrangments fell on my shoulders. Everyone wanted things done their way. Everyone had their 2 cents to add. Most of those things had nothing to do with my brother. I disregarded everyone and sat down to make arrangements that my brother would have loved. It was his funeral and should have been celebrated his way.

He was a strange but fun kid, so his funeral reflected that. Everyone including my parents hated the ideas I came up with, but at the actual funeral they changed their minds. All said it was perfect for my brother. He would have loved it!!! It was all for him!!! The fact that the funeral reflected him made it feel like he was with us...it was comforting to so many.

I understand the need for every person to feel like they are being heard, but they don't always take the deceased into consideration. Its a celebration of that persons life. Celebrate it in their true manner...not yours. If those were your FIL's wishes, respect them and celebrate in what he wanted.

If you feel like things are going too quickly, take some time with your MIL and open up to her. Dont blame her for anything because she has soooo much on her plate right now. Her life has been turned upside down. Try to see where she is coming from and offer to help.

Good luck and I am sorry.

 

[Equus5O]

My father was cremated shortly after his death. His obituary was in the paper after the cremation had been done. We had no wake, memorial, whatever. I and my two older brothers were fine with that. I don't see what the big deal is. You grieve in your way, and everyone else will grieve in their own ways.

 

[clayhill]

I understand how the memorial service, to some, is all a part of the gieving process. That being said I plan to do just about the same thing when I go. I don't care to have a big service, just a bunch of family and close friends getting together, eating, laughing and enjoying life. That's what we try to do every chance we get. I feel I don't require ceremonies and memorials - my most precious memorials are the ones that carry on, hopefully in a way to make me proud.

Just my two cents worth.

 

[speckledhen]

My DH says when he's dead, he will be cremated. Doesn't want anyone spending $3000 on some fancy box no one will ever see again. Actually, he said I could put him in the compost pile since the body is just a shell and he no longer needs it. And he was serious, too. I'm sure his sisters will be upset since it's a big thing in that family to stay up with the body all night at the funeral home, an old primitive custom to keep the banshees from stealing the body (though they don't know where it comes from, to them it's just tradition). I personally have no affinity for memorials and funerals, either. The entire death ritual thing seems so off to us, though I realize it means lots to other folks.

 

[equine chick]

When some time has passed, maybe your dh could broach the subject of just having a church service or even just a gathering to remember him. Things are fresh right now and she might not be able to take a lot of company because she is grieving. We grieve in our own way so go with her wishes but no reason if your dh is religious to have fil mentioned to the minister or priest and a service put in his name.

 

[easttxchick]

Quote:
DHs family has this odd tradition-he said it is a French/Catholic thing.

I have told my DH if I pass first-NO FUNERAL! Just scatter me to the wind. He is freaked out by it, but it's what I want.
ChickyTocks so sorry for the loss of your father in law-it truly isn't the ceremony/funeral that you would have remembered with the passing of time. When my father passed we had a full on funeral with MANY visitors, etc. I remember none of it-I do, however, remember him.

 

[toletiquesbysam]

My 100yr old grandmother passed away this past Dec. She wanted to be cremated no funeral, ashes to be scattered with friends & family and then go to the station at the top of the hill for a drink. This station at the top of the hill is just a "truck" stop/gas station with a small eating area not a restaurant. My grandmother was a very classy woman but she did not want any fuss made about her. We will have a memorial for her this summer to spread the ashes and then will have a get together for anyone who wants to come at her home. It's still in keeping with what she wants without the public having to watch us greive/celebrate her life!

 

[fowltemptress]

What's stopping you from holding some sort of memorial service and inviting loved ones to it, if that's what you need? Just because your MIL grieves differently from you doesn't mean you can't grieve in your own way. What she decides to do with the remains is up to her, but you can still find your own form of closure in other ways.

Me, I'm going to science, and what my loved ones want to do after that is up to them.

I'm sorry for your loss.

 

[Wifezilla]

Hubby and I talked about this. We are donating our bodies to science.

Instead of a funeral there will be a party.

If anyone seriously WANTS to be depressed, wear black, and cry a lot, there is no reason they can't do that on their own or call other like minded relatives and get together. Just don't ruin it for everyone else.