Help Please - Death and No Memorial - I'm Upset

[redhen]

its hard, but you have to respect their wishes.
I know that my wish is NO memorial service... no wake, no casket showings.. (because i just KNOW that those morgue people will frizz my hair all out and do my make-up badly....

)
I just want my family to have a small family "get together/party" to remember me by.
My husband wants to be stuffed and set in the living room somewhere...

Now, i did tell him NO on that... he'd just be one more thing for me to dust!!!

 

[EweSheep]

I agree with the others, it is your FIL's wishes to have it done and it would be respectful to follow it out.

As for you, you can hold a memorial service along with a pot luck dinner to remember him by.

As for me, cremate me, put me in an urn, scatter half of my ashes on grandma's grave and the other half would be waiting for hubby if I should leave him first. Then we will be buried together. His wishes would be that his kilts would be given to our daughter and cremate him, half of his ashes will go to a Scotland mountain which it starts with a B and half of it would be together. No services, just a good old catered or potluck dinner, photos/family info on a table and everyone can say their goodbyes. I can not see in paying expensive funeral customs and if you have a pretty urn you can set it inyour mantlepiece or in the closet until your time is up.

I remember my Mom and her brothers and sisters had to cough up $10,000 EACH for their parent's funerals, cremated or not, it costs roughly the same. Personally I do not see how it can be done with cremation thought it was cheaper than buying a casket.

 

[Elite Silkies]

I have mixed feelings on cremation. My husband and I have decided on cremation, but then sometimes I think about it and I'm not so sure. I'm fine with being cremated, it's just me having him cremated.

I'll make decisions when the time comes. Everyone has to mourn in their own ways, and I feel that your FIL's family will respect your wishes for a family get together, so that you can say good bye.

I'm so sorry your hurting.

 

[Camelot Farms]

((((hugs))))

 

[CoyoteMagic]

I'm sorry for your loss.

Wakes, funerals, memorial services are not for the dead but for the living. A way of saying this person lived and died, what they did in there life, goodbye. It's a way of making those left behind feel better.

Maybe your MIL is following his wishes. Neither of my parents wish for a funeral or wake. Us kids have decided that we will get together with other family memebers and have a big ol' picnic like we had when we were all kids. Everybody brings food, Uncle Sam at the grill, horseshoes, bocci ball, lots of laughter and may a few tears.

My Uncle wants to buried by sunrise the next day.

Both my husband and I wish to be cremated. I'm going to scatter DH's ashes at Chapel Hill, NC. If they won't let me, I will just dump them in one of those planters outside of the Dean Smith Dome. (he's got a scale model and I've already picked out the bush, lol) Me, my ashes are going to be scattered along the Baja. Neither of us want for a wake. If folks wish to remember us, we ask that they do something in our name. Spend time with Seniors or with kids. Give to one of our causes. Don't mour for us as we have moved on to a place much better than this.

Again, I am sorry for you loss.

 

[Sonoran Silkies]

For myself, I do NOT want an open casket, although if DH or kids want a viewing at the funeral home (I doubt they will), it would be okay. I don't care whether I am cremated or embalmed, but I don't want huge amounts of money spent. I would much prefer a memorial service to a funeral, and I am pretty sure DH knows this as I spdecifically mentioned after a funeral we went to a few months ago that I did not want an open casket. People never look real--better to be remembered from memory or photos. I do want a service at my church, but really, the service is for the grieving, not the one who is gone, so exactly what and how is going to be up to those who survive and what will comfort them most.

 

[Frogdogtimestwo]

My Grandma died this week, I was very close to her and I will miss her dearly. She was cremated and I requested some of her ashes to make a piece of jewelry with, and the rest will be used in a potted plant I can take with me when I move (she was a beautiful gardener) I believe she would have loved the idea. I do not need a ceremony, just a token to remember her by.

 

[jojo@rolling acres farm]

Sorry about your Father In Law's death. I was really close to my FIL. He was more like a Father to me than my own Father. He died 8 years ago and I stilll miss him. We went through the entire traditional ceremony - knowing what I know now. I think, that if I knew my Father In Law wanted what yours did...if he did, I would be at peace with it. None of it helped me. It's all painful - ceremony or not.

I'll hold good thougts for you and hope you find some sort of comfort soon. It's all very hard. Be extra good to yourself and your husband in the next little while.

 

[Mattemma]

Very sorry for your loss!

I don't want to have any part in the funeral trend other than a cremation of loved ones if their religion/preference is OK with that.No embalmimg or anything like that.I want to be cremated and have a fruit tree of some sort planted over me.Also,no public memorial at a funeral home-just a gathering at the home. If for some reason a cremation was not possible then a simple pine box casket is ok,and again a fruit tree over my grave instead of some expensive headstone.

I remember talking with my mom about her preferences.We agreed on having her cremated.She said something about scattering her ashes over a certain lake and then said,"Oh wait you better not do that,because I can't swim."

 

[Mom 2em All]

My condolences to you- Im sorry you are going through this and have not been given a chance to grieve in your way.
I would like to share with you what my mother did when my step-father unexpectedly passed away.
My mother could not make any decisions- heck, she couldnt even eat and after three days I had to force her to eat some soup before she collapsed. My stepfathers' family made all the arrangements and did not take into consideration that my mother is very private and was hurting too badly emotionally to be on what she called, "public display" for everyone to watch her grieve.
They did a huge elaborate funeral that lasted four days, open casket, with everyone going to the cemetery for the lowering of the casket and then to a catered hall for a large meal. We went as far as the cemetery and then we went home. None of us were in the mood to eat, or be around masses of people.

My mom planted a memorial garden in the spring, with an arch and wind-chimes and a little bench. She made a beautiful sign that said In Memory of.. and that is where she goes to remember, to pray, to grieve, etc. She is extremely private, and doesn't like crowds and she keeps to herself. Her own wishes are to be a very quick funeral for herself and she doesnt want money spent on hers at all. She says she doesnt care what we do with her body-she will no longer be there, but she doesn't want to be laying in a box for everyone to stare at. I will honor her wishes, even though I cannot even think about losing her, much less talking about it.

My first husband was a jeans and flipflop sandal kind of man. He hated suits/ties/ and shoes. Loved to be barefoot. When he passed away unexpectedly, his mother gave him a proper Catholic funeral. Suit/tie/dress shoes. Open casket. I knew he would have hated to be buried in those clothes, especially the shoes. It is my hope that funeral homes do not put shoes on the deceased but perhaps they do. She would not let my kids put anything in the casket with him, and everything was very "proper" and stiff. My kids and I stumbled through the funeral and quite honestly, I dont remember much of it. It seemed to last forever. And in multiple locations/funeral home to the church to the cemetery to the restruant. I was in a fog and doing my best for them. I made a tradition of letting helium balloons go when they wanted to send him a message on a birthday or holiday. Told them they would go to heaven to him. It was our own way to cope.

My now-husbands family believes in cremation not burial. I hate it. I do not have a problem with other people who want/believe in cremation but it creeps me out completely and most definitely do not want to be cremated. I do not want to cremate any of my loved ones. I seriously hope I am wording this correctly so I dont give the wrong impression. I respect the wishes of those who do choose this- it is just not for me at all. I have told my husband how I feel, and he has half-jokingly said to me, "You mean you wouldn't honor my last request?" My response to him was, "If you truly loved me, you would change your last request because of how it makes me feel". "After all, I am the one who will be doing it-not you." If the day comes, I will do what his family wants. I will have my own memorial for him similar to what my mother did. I will not bring home ashes, however that may make me look.

I hope that you can find a way to allow yourself to grieve. A way to remember your father-in-law in your own way.