How many are familiar with Asperger's ?

[Wilson]

Quote:
Thanks for posting that. It was much needed.

 

[breezy]

When I told my husband I thought he had AS I explained it to him as a communication disoder. His body doesnt communicate with his brain hence his unusual gait and high pain tolerance and his peculiar balance issues. His brain doesnt communicate with his emotions so he doesnt know what he is feeling nor does he recognize what others peoples emotional state might be and his communication center doesnt function properly as well. He often doesnt understand language the way others do and common expressions such as "he cant see the forest for the trees" make no sense to him. He struggles in so many things and over the years I had to learn how to compensate for him and act as a go between him and the world.
Being an aspie is no excuse for ugly behaviour however aspies often hurt others with no intention of being hurtful and then are mystified by the reaction of the injured spouse. I would like to invite anyone married to an aspie to considor joining this group http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/aspires-relationships/
Aspires is a yahoo group for the spouses of aspies. The group has both NT and AS and has been really useful for me in gaining a greater understanding of the unique quirks of the aspie mind. I think many people go from one extreme to the other with aspies. They either excuse all bad/hurtful things as due to the autism or they deny the possibility that the autism has anything to do at all with the behaviour . The truth is that Aspergers is a spectrum disorder and that means on any given day at any given minute the autism may be more in play or less in play than another day. So some days its all butterflies and sunshine and some days its all ugly and stormy.
It is a complex issue and given the fact that diagnostic criteria and recognition has only been in play since the early 1990's it is certain that Aspergers will become more known and more common than ever and as people become more educated about it the problems between AS and NT will become easier to negotiate.

 

[okiemommy]

When I told my husband I thought he had AS I explained it to him as a communication disoder. His body doesnt communicate with his brain hence his unusual gait and high pain tolerance and his peculiar balance issues. His brain doesnt communicate with his emotions so he doesnt know what he is feeling nor does he recognize what others peoples emotional state might be and his communication center doesnt function properly as well. He often doesnt understand language the way others do and common expressions such as "he cant see the forest for the trees" make no sense to him. He struggles in so many things and over the years I had to learn how to compensate for him and act as a go between him and the world.
Being an aspie is no excuse for ugly behaviour however aspies often hurt others with no intention of being hurtful and then are mystified by the reaction of the injured spouse. I would like to invite anyone married to an aspie to considor joining this group http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/aspires-relationships/
Aspires is a yahoo group for the spouses of aspies. The group has both NT and AS and has been really useful for me in gaining a greater understanding of the unique quirks of the aspie mind. I think many people go from one extreme to the other with aspies. They either excuse all bad/hurtful things as due to the autism or they deny the possibility that the autism has anything to do at all with the behaviour . The truth is that Aspergers is a spectrum disorder and that means on any given day at any given minute the autism may be more in play or less in play than another day. So some days its all butterflies and sunshine and some days its all ugly and stormy.
It is a complex issue and given the fact that diagnostic criteria and recognition has only been in play since the early 1990's it is certain that Aspergers will become more known and more common than ever and as people become more educated about it the problems between AS and NT will become easier to negotiate.

Well said!!!!

I have seen a forum where many of the attitudes of the aspies were, "I'm an aspie so I can act this way" was prevalent, and I chose not to go there again. This attitude in and of itself is flippancy about how you should treat others, and I viewed it as an excuse to not try to get a long with others. This is VERY different than someone who does not understand social appropriateness, and says things that unintentionally hurt because they are only able to see the world as black and white with no grey in between.
It's not for me to say that those people on the forum didn't have Aspergers, as mentioned before, it is a spectrum disorder. People have it to lesser or greater degrees. I do feel that because it is a spectrum disorder, some of them had the social awareness to know, but didn't know, or didn't care, that they have a responsibility to treat others with respect, and have chosen a philosophy of not to.

And please remember, that for many people that actually have Asperger's it may be very hard to tell that they have it, because it is generally considered a higher functioning form of Autism. The book I recommended in a previous post explains everything you would ever want to know about the subject. Some people you can tell right away that they have Autism...if you fully understand Autism, and some you cannot tell because they have learned to adapt to social situations by watching others and mimicking what takes place(mind you with still having no real understanding of why it's done this way, or what it actually means beyond simply repeating what they've seen.)

If someone truly has Asperger's, then they will have more symptoms of it than "just being a jerk." You're right, being a jerk in and of itself is not a neurological disorder. Also having autism is not an excuse to be a jerk, and some are high functioning enough that they have that choice, because they possess enough social awareness to make that choice, or they have someone that will take the time to guide and direct them to socially so that they are informed to make good decisions. I would also like to say that the diagnostic criteria has not changed drastically from the criteria that Han's Asperger first developed when he began studying the disorder in the 1930's. It definitely has not changed enough to explain the higher number of diagnoses. Awareness is what has changed the number of diagnoses. ie not having someone misdiagnosed as something else that doesn't provide the complete picture of the person's behaviors. Environmental factors have changed the numbers etc.​

 

[breezy]

You are right the criteria for diagnosis has not changed much but they didnt begin using the criteria for diagnosing till 1992 I believe. They didnt start testing for it until then either and it is still hard to find adult diagnosing. Children get tested earlier now because there is more awareness but for people like my husband who is 74 getting tested is either cost prohibitive or so acutely stressfull as to be unlikely to get accomplished. After he tested so so high on 2 different online sites I searched for a very long time here in Denver for a way to get an official diagnosis and the closest I got was someone who asked me questions over the phone and based on my answers said yes he has it. They then told me what was the point to an official diagnosis? He isnt a child who is struggling and there are no services available for someone like him and he has lived his whole life without it. They were right.
We educated ourselves about it and have learned how to work around it or with it depending on the situation. Everyone has the potential to be a jerk anytime for any reason and we all have been at some point in our lives and we will be again. It is human nature.
It was up to me to learn the difference between my husband having a complete aspie moment or when he is just being a butthead. I help him with the aspie moments to whatever degree I can and call him on his crappy behaviour when that happens. He is grateful when its an aspie thing and a typical annoyed husband when its a butthead thing.
He does the same for me and calls me on my own bad behaviour and I am grateful for it. Sometimes we need the outside perspective to see what we are doing and how we are acting.
What I find both amazing and annoying is that he mimics me to get around social situations and I have spent so much time with an aspie that I am for lack of a better term "aspergated"
We adapted to fit each other....isnt life wonderous in how things can work out to such a perfect solution if your willing to try?

 

[okiemommy]

You're right Breezy, it was roundabout 91-92 that they started using the criteria. (I believe they were including it in the DSM while writing it in 91 and it came out in 92, but I could be a little off on that, it's been a while since I read the book)

Consequently when something is added to the DSM, professionals then begin diagnosing and treating a disorder, because that manual is what professionals go by for standards of diagnostic criteria, treatment, etc...which is why they revise it, because new studies are done, information is found on disorders that needs to be added. Also, because something is added to the DSM doesn't mean that it doesn't exist, it could mean a number of things: not enough research has been done to prove that it's a disorder in and of it's self and not something else, they haven't done enough studies to determine what the effective treatment options are etc. There are a lot of myths out there about mental health which need to be dispelled, so that there is no longer a stigma in getting help and treatment. Also Autism is a neurological disorder, and there is physiological evidence that it is a disorder. Some of the major more well-known disorders do not have this documentation yet, because they just haven't found out what part of the brain is causing the issue; doesn't make those any less real.

The human brain is much like the ocean. It's the last frontier of exploration. We know much more about space than we do our own ocean, because there are many parts of it that are miles below surface that we can't "see into" so we have no idea what's really there. It's widely believed that we have only discovered a fraction of the wildlife in our oceans due to that fact. People are in the business of studying the brain on a daily basis, and are constantly looking at why people tick or tock...or don't at all. Discoveries are being made, and I believe that as technology gets more and more advanced, knowledge of the brains functions and dysfunctions will become more and more clear, and we will get a better picture of what needs to be done as far as treatments and cures.


Breezy, Your story is inspiring, to say the least.

And you bring up a really good point, that I couldn't figure out how to get out: People with Asperger's can just plain have a butthead moment, and they can also truly not understand something, and are making a hurtful mistake due to the Asperger's....it is possible to recognize, especially if you work towards that as a goal in your marriage. Again, well said!!

Let's take away the stigma of Aperger's/Autism, and get down to brass tacks about how to live, really live, in the truest sense of the word, with them, not just survive their behavior. (I'm speaking to myself as well, as this is all still a learning experience for me...I hope to never stop learning, then I have become stagnant)

 

[Lunachick]

I have a 28 yr old daughter that has AS. Coupled with depression (or the frustration of trying to function in society with major difficulties - caused the drepression) and OCD. Couldn't handle school, so grade 8 was her last in public school. We homeschooled and then she got her GED.

She still struggles today. She is a sweet person who LOVES her animals. Wouldn't hurt a fly. Tried every med for depression, now back on the original med. I got a phone call from her this a.m. She let out her frustrations to me for an hour. I hope I helped.

It seems to me that a lot of people with AS are very intelligent. I suppose that's the high functioning AS? And where or where is this all coming from?

Thanks for posting those website and books. I need to understand more.

 

[allmypeeps]

AS can be so mild more people may have it than you think. as many as 1 or 2 in 100 people and thats those that have been diagnosed...imagine all those that dont because people are AFRAID to delve deeper into their 'pequliar traits' and possibly realize this.

How to tell if a person has it is hard. It is hard to know "if a husband is just being a typical man"

or if a co worker is just annoying or overly freindly or WHATEVER.

You can't fit all asperger's into the same catergory...some make very little eye contact while some (MY husband) stare too intensely making peopel nervous, some are very quiet, some will create monologues not noticing no one in the room is interested... just because one is nice and sweet doesnt mean they ALL are. They all have their own personalities. Having AS may accentuate the bad in someone's personality and the good in someone elses. often itis VERY hard to tell if someomne is just odd or if they have AS.

I am not saying (as someone posted) that all 'odd' people have AS-but just think...maybe that could be WHY they are odd?? and no one will ever realize it, something to ponder.

It is NOT insulting to diagnose someone with an autism spectrum disorder...it is only beneficial. (However I see that you cant go around thinking every one has it if they dont) No one should be ashamed or insulted. It is the way the brain recieves and precieves info. There is NOTHING WRONG with those who have it- but it IS difficult for a non-AS spouce to feel like their needs are being met.

I KNOW my husband has it. I don't need a DR to tell me that. I have been married to him for 5 years and I'ts more than 'cold comments'...he does not retain info, gets lost in a simple sentance or conversation, cannot multitask, he is a poor judge of character and will trust the shadiest of people, he can't ever hold a 'conversation' with me- its always me talking to him and him and getting bizzare responses that dont seem to make sense, he does not have simple common sense- but he is an electrician...I won't go on because you would have to be ME to know what I mean...this is where 'cassandra syndrome' comes in...I could tell you everything about my situation and someone may simply say "he's just a GUY! get over it' .....its not the case there is way more too it but like I said some one would have to be me to see what I see.

Usually peopel that have it severe also have OTHER things (my brother for instance has defiance disorder and add). OCD also tends to be common in AS people.

BIG CLUES are AS tend to be LITERAL and cannot read well into body language or voice/tone to know when someone is joking. I was joking one day and my AS (suspected) friend looked at me blankly and said "I'm sorry I cannot tell if you are joking". [/b]

I have a brother who I have lived with all my life who did not get diagnosed till he was 18.

YEARS before that when I was taking psych and soc in high school i told my mother I thought something was 'not right' with my brother that I thought he may have a condition of the mind and I was slapped in the face and told "your brother is not retarded!" why do peopel have such trouble with this??? it is not shameful to have a disability....I guess peopel feel safe if they just live in denial but that offers NO HELP to the person who may/may not have it.

I have known my brother for 26 years and I think that qualifies me to see the signs- especially since I saw them when he was young when no one else did- not even my mother...

I read people VERY well and I will tell you I have met LOTS of peopel who I suspect have it (including my husband) that have no clue that they might. You never know if you get someone talking on the subject they just might make the connection themselves and thank you later.

EXAMPLE: My husband used to leave flowers in my car, notes in my purse, buy me stuffed toys and flowers EVERY DAY tell me 100 times a day he lovewd me....this got to be almost 'stalker-esc' and I told him to 'tone it down a bit...let some time pass before you surprise me'

guess what? NOW he doesnt do ANYTHING...not even on holidays! I asked him why and he said QUOTE: "you told me NOT to!"
So I clarified what I said and explained out what I meant...still months went by and NOTHING...so again I asked him and again I got the reply in all seriousness with a dumbfounded look "you told me NOT to.....

On my B-day he said I have no money do you mind if I dont buy you anything? I said: sure, its not about $$ anyway....
Low and behold he does NOTHING didnt even say happy b-day. I start feeling crappy and cry and said I thought he'd at least 'DO something' with me, a walk, a hike, make me a card with markers, or simpley just SAY happy b-day!...his response was "Oh, I KNEW that would nip me in the butt..next time I will make sure I BUY you something" I cried and he is stunned...he has NO IDEA why and has to ask me "why are you crying?" when I said it was bcause he was being cold he said in a 'as a matter of fact tone': "I dont think I'm cold" so I explain my feelings out and then he breaks down and cries too saying he didnt mean to hurt me that he sees now how I was hurt and that he would feel the same.

he also uses 'new words' over and over reguardles if they suit the sentence also uses catch phrases wrong. We are in a financial pinch (isnt everyone) and I said I want to win the megabucks it would solve all our problems! his reply "becareful what you wish for"....((((???? )))) I was expecting maybe..."yes, wouldnt that be great we could pay all our bills! we could buy a new car that we've been needing!"...but nooooo...he says" be careful what you wish for....

sigh....!
e

I always say: WE MAY BE ON THE SAME PAGE, BUT WE ARE READING ENTIRELY DIFFERENT BOOKS

PM me if you want to ask any specific trait questions as I find it hard to answer them thru public posting as they get lost in between all the other responses or get 'objected'.

 

[allmypeeps]

I dont feel 'people are just going around claiming peopel are on the spectrum'...If people are posting here it is because they have recognized something in someone that is not easily explained away.

My husband as I talked about above, has it MILD but my brother is way more severe. here is alittle bit about him:

my brother (before he was diagnosed) took our family dog for a long walk. she was over weight and slipped a disc or something and collapsed on the side of the road. My brother left her on the side of the road and went home and got a sled (it is summer) he rolled her onto the sled and dragged her home and left her in our front yard and pretended nothing happend.
We found her later trying to crawl to the house....he acted like he had NO clue what was wrong with her.

He also told kids he went to school with that he 'got my sister pregnant' (!!!???) (just glad it wasnt me!) LOL anyway, he was in the same grade as her because he stayed back a year in kindergarden for being 'socially behind'. He wouldnt talk to other kids and would threaten them with scissors if they teased him.

My mother would help him on his homework and he would then erase all the answers and put in wrong ones and then flunk.

Now, that he is older, he doesnt talk to family much- except when he has something to 'show and tell'. He talks about what HE wants to talk about then has no use for anyone else and gets bored and has to leave.

He gets up and ready for work then sits and waits 4 hours in a chair and you can't convince him to do anything else because he will say "i cant I ahev to go to work!'' as it is he will go in a half hour early every day and wander around by the timeclock waiting to punch in.

He will repeat anything he has heard about someone to that someone's face. It has gotten him fired. He also used to work for a gas station and would sweep floors and take out the trash. they started giving him more responsibility whichhe seemed to like though when asked to read the pumps to see if they were full he couldnt read the meters so he just said yes when they werent. he didnt last long there.

He had a concelor that was supposed to help him find jobs etc...he wouldnt answer the door when the councelor would come, he'd lie to him. You always know when he is lying he will advert eye contact/look down. when he's truthful he will look right at you.

He will object to something until you state your opinion of it then he will take your opinion and act like its his own and tell everyone he knows. he often repeats things he hears on tv or the news and recites it back to people.

he does not sensor himself and say exactly what he thinks outloud in a store no matter who is around.

He lives with 'friends' he met thru work. They take advantage of him and borrow money and dont repay him. There came a time when they more we tried to help him the more he would pull away and resent and avoid us, so we just let him be now.

I always wonder what he's doing or how he is, but we have learned to just let his life be his own and just help him when we can (though we have to make it inconspicuous that we are 'helping him'). He floats in and out of our lives when he feels and though I'd liek to be 'close' with my broter it just wont happen.

This is most likely what most people think of when they think autism. But as stated before it can be so mild it leaves it 'questionable' as to weather they have it. I know my husband has it. He agrees with me. But we do not bring it up to family because they will never understand and its not worth the convincing. All that matters is that WE know and go from there.

 

[chicken_china_mom]

My ex (my kids' father) has two nephews, brothers, that were both diagnosed as autistic, and the older boy was later diagnosed as having Aspergers, though I personally think the diagnosis is way off. At least, I think they are off in saying that Jeffrey is high functioning. For starters he didn't start talking until he was nearly 4, and when he did it was jumbled and hard to understand. It takes him a very long time to remember someone. He has to see them on a regular basis and have consistent interaction with them in order to remember them. A few years back they diagnosed with a few more illnesses. I think he has an issue with anger as well as having severe OCD. His father also has OCD and on his father's side of the family Jefferey and his brother Joshua have at least two more first cousins, all diagnosed with various degrees of Autism. Joshua is 11 and is doing well in a public school. He still won't look you in the eye when he talks, and he avoids most human contact. Jeffrey won't be able to function on his own at all as an adult. I don't think Joshua will be able to completely either. I think a group home where he can go out and hold a job and have his own apartment within the home would be something he could manage, but not Jeffrey. His parents were also told when he was about 7 that his brain was wasting away and that he would be dead in a few years. Well, Jeffrey is alive and well, and there's been no proof thus far of any brain shrinkage. (I think that doctor was a quack!) I think the doctors were accurate in diagnosing the boys with Autism, however I don't think either one has Aspergers. You would have to know the boys to know what I am talking about. I have known people with true Aspergers, to varying degrees, and neither boy is like them. I pray that one day doctor's will be able to unlock the secrets behind Autism and Aspergers.

 

[redhen]

Honestly..i know nothing about Aspergers..but..So many of the behaviors you are describing seem to be more ODD and ani-social personality disorders. I mean i know many kids in my line of work that would leave the dog with the slipped disc in the yard and act like nothing happend. becasue they were being sneaky...they know exactly what they are doing.. and they simply dont want to get in trouble. They didnt have Aspergers...some have no conscience..they dont care what they say or do to others..they can be quite rude...but they dont have Aspergers..they have personality disorders... So..i am confused here..is Aspergers a form of Autism? or more on the line of ODD (opposional defiance disorder)..and other anti-social personality disorders? I'm confused what exactly it is...