How-To Chickens Contest!!! (Writing instructions of how to do your chickens) ENDS JULY 20TH 2023

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HorseGirlAbby said:
The first thing you need to know about taking care of my chickens is that they make noise. Lots and lots of it. You don’t need to be afraid, they are just expressing their appreciation for you being there to feed them. Of course, the longer it takes to feed them, the louder they will get, so do try to be on time. When you walk up the the house, Mr. Beard will start squawking at you. Don’t worry, this is just his normal behavior. The door sticks a lot, so you will have to lift it up to unlatch it. Yes, it’s heavy, but if a girl is able to do it, you should be, too. Deal with it. Next, after you hopefully got the door open, you will be met with a bunch of hungry chickens. The thing is, they are big fakers. They have food in their feeder 24/7, unless they were really piggy the day before. They really want people, so be careful. Once you open the inner door, they will rush you, trying to get out. Just push them out of the way with your foot, they are quite used to this kind of treatment, and will subside quickly. Just make sure not to shut Goldy’s head in the door, she’s not the brightest chicken, and doing that certainly won’t help her get any smarter. Once you’re inside, above all, DON’T SQUAT DOWN!!!!! This point cannot be emphasized enough. If you do, you will be pecked on all sides by 9.5 mad chickens wanting to be held. (The .5 is Gidget, she’s tiny and half blind and you should pick her up and carry her around so she doesn’t feel bad.) If you hold one of them, the others get jealous and peck harder. The only solution to save your skin is to cuddle all of them. And cuddling nine chickens at once is a hard task that I don’t recommend. So, just don’t squat down. Now that that’s out of the way, the first order of business is to refill the waterer. Delaware thinks this is her personal roost, so you have to lift her off of it. Don’t be afraid, she won’t bite you unless she thinks you’re holding mulberries. Then you’re a goner. But anyway, since she sits on top of that waterer so much, it’s covered in…you guessed it…chicken poop. If you’re squeamish, this job is not for you. You have to grab hold of the poopy handle and lift the top off the waterer. Then set that on the roost and take the reservoir outside, scrub it out, and fill it back up. The sponge I use is in the entryway somewhere, usually I toss it in the deepest darkest corner when I’m done. Then put the lid back on, and it’s done! Make sure they still have oyster shell in the small metal bowl, they tend to perch on the side and tip it over. Then get any eggs that are in the nest boxes, and pray that Holly isn’t broody. If she is, you’re screwed, and I hope you have good insurance. Any eggs under her are HERS ALONE and NOT TO BE DISTURBED or so she thinks. You have to outsmart her, and I would advise wearing a pair of thick leather gloves. Not to protect against pecks, but because the second she sees them, she will freak out and fly as far away as possible. Just don’t take the gloves off in front of the hens, because they’ll be terrified you took off your hands, and then you’ll have a real circus. Once you’ve got the eggs, you can put them in the little wire basket that should be in the entryway unless I left it in the house, in which case you’ll have to think of something else. If you’re lucky, I’ll have put egg cartons out there for you, but it’s a 50/50 chance that I forgot them. Oh well. Before you leave, make sure to count them all, there should be 17 hens and one rooster, and if there are fewer, you’re in trouble. You won’t be in too much trouble if there are more, I’ll just be excited to see my new chickens when I get home. Don’t try and touch the rooster, he will explode in terror. Penny and Bean are very shy and tiny, they will likely just stay outside away from the scary human. Dover will eat your fingers, if you wear anything dangly in your hair, Penny will eat it, Peeper will jump on the roost and squawk in your ear until you pet her, Bukky will sit in the water bowl and fall asleep, Mo will peck you if she’s in a box, and Charlotte is the cutest chicken there is.

But of course my chickens are all super nice and will never do anything to hurt you!
Your signature here: ____________________

Fine print: I am not liable for any injuries, illnesses, or lice bites you may incur from taking care of said chickens. Please contact your insurance agent for more information. I’m afraid I’m very well known to them, but not for any bad reasons, I assure you…
Click to expand...
This submission is above 800 words. if you could shorten it that would be great🙂
 
Here’s the edited version, it should be 798 words 😊

The first thing you need to know about taking care of my chickens is that they make noise. Lots and lots. You don’t need to be afraid, they’re just expressing their appreciation for you feeding them. Of course, the longer it takes to feed them, the louder they will get, so do try to be on time. When you walk up the the house, Mr. Beard will start squawking at you. Don’t worry, this is just his normal behavior. The door sticks a lot, so you will have to lift it up to unlatch it. Yes, it’s heavy, but if a girl is able to do it, you should be, too. Deal with it. Next, after you hopefully get the door open, you will be met with a bunch of hungry chickens. The thing is, they’re big fakers. They have food in their feeder 24/7, unless they pigged out the day before. They just want people, so be careful. Once you open the inner door, they will rush you, trying to get out. Just push them out of the way with your foot, they are quite used to this kind of treatment, and will subside quickly. Just make sure not to shut Goldy’s head in the door, she’s not the brightest chicken, and doing that certainly won’t help her get any smarter. Once you’re inside, above all, DON’T SQUAT DOWN!!!!! This point cannot be emphasized enough. If you do, you will be pecked on all sides by 9.5 mad chickens wanting to be held. (The .5 is Gidget, she’s tiny and half blind and you should pick her up and carry her around so she doesn’t feel bad.) If you hold one of them, the others get jealous and peck harder. The only solution to save yourself is to cuddle all of them. And cuddling nine chickens at once is a hard task that I don’t recommend. So, just don’t squat down. Now that that’s out of the way, the first order of business is to refill the waterer. Delaware thinks this is her personal roost, so you have to lift her off of it. Don’t be afraid, she won’t bite you unless she thinks you’re holding mulberries. Then you’re a goner. But anyway, since she sits on top of that waterer so much, it’s covered in…you guessed it…chicken poop. If you’re squeamish, this job is not for you. You have to grab hold of the poopy handle and lift the top off the waterer. Then set that on the roost and take the reservoir outside, scrub it out, and fill it back up. The sponge I use is in the entryway somewhere, usually I toss it in the deepest darkest corner when I’m done. Then put the lid back on. Make sure they have oyster shell in the metal bowl, they tend to perch on the side and tip it over. Then get any eggs that are in the nest boxes, and pray that Holly isn’t broody. If she is, you’re screwed. She thinks any eggs under her are HERS ALONE and NOT TO BE DISTURBED. You have to outsmart her, and I advise wearing a pair of thick leather gloves. Not to protect against pecks, but because the second she sees them, she’ll freak out and fly as far away as possible. Just don’t take the gloves off in front of the hens, because they’ll think you took off your hands, and then you’ll have a real circus. Once you’ve got the eggs, put them in the wire basket that should be in the entryway unless I left it in the house, in which case you’ll have to think of something else. If you’re lucky, I’ll put egg cartons out there for you, but it’s a 50/50 chance that I forgot them. Before you leave, make sure to count them all, there should be 17 hens and one rooster, and if there are fewer, you’re in trouble. Don’t try and touch the rooster, he will explode in terror. Penny and Bean are very shy and tiny, they will likely just stay outside away from big scary you. Dover will eat your fingers, Penny will eat anything dangly in your hair, Peeper will jump on the roost and annoy you until you pet her, Bukky will fall asleep in the water bowl, and Mo will peck you if she’s in a box.

But of course my chickens are all super nice and will never do anything to hurt you!
Your signature: ____________________

Fine print: I am not liable for any injuries, illnesses, or lice bites you may incur from taking care of said chickens. Please contact your insurance agent for more information. I’m very well known to them, but not for any bad reasons, I assure you…
 
HorseGirlAbby said:
Here’s the edited version, it should be 798 words 😊

The first thing you need to know about taking care of my chickens is that they make noise. Lots and lots. You don’t need to be afraid, they’re just expressing their appreciation for you feeding them. Of course, the longer it takes to feed them, the louder they will get, so do try to be on time. When you walk up the the house, Mr. Beard will start squawking at you. Don’t worry, this is just his normal behavior. The door sticks a lot, so you will have to lift it up to unlatch it. Yes, it’s heavy, but if a girl is able to do it, you should be, too. Deal with it. Next, after you hopefully get the door open, you will be met with a bunch of hungry chickens. The thing is, they’re big fakers. They have food in their feeder 24/7, unless they pigged out the day before. They just want people, so be careful. Once you open the inner door, they will rush you, trying to get out. Just push them out of the way with your foot, they are quite used to this kind of treatment, and will subside quickly. Just make sure not to shut Goldy’s head in the door, she’s not the brightest chicken, and doing that certainly won’t help her get any smarter. Once you’re inside, above all, DON’T SQUAT DOWN!!!!! This point cannot be emphasized enough. If you do, you will be pecked on all sides by 9.5 mad chickens wanting to be held. (The .5 is Gidget, she’s tiny and half blind and you should pick her up and carry her around so she doesn’t feel bad.) If you hold one of them, the others get jealous and peck harder. The only solution to save yourself is to cuddle all of them. And cuddling nine chickens at once is a hard task that I don’t recommend. So, just don’t squat down. Now that that’s out of the way, the first order of business is to refill the waterer. Delaware thinks this is her personal roost, so you have to lift her off of it. Don’t be afraid, she won’t bite you unless she thinks you’re holding mulberries. Then you’re a goner. But anyway, since she sits on top of that waterer so much, it’s covered in…you guessed it…chicken poop. If you’re squeamish, this job is not for you. You have to grab hold of the poopy handle and lift the top off the waterer. Then set that on the roost and take the reservoir outside, scrub it out, and fill it back up. The sponge I use is in the entryway somewhere, usually I toss it in the deepest darkest corner when I’m done. Then put the lid back on. Make sure they have oyster shell in the metal bowl, they tend to perch on the side and tip it over. Then get any eggs that are in the nest boxes, and pray that Holly isn’t broody. If she is, you’re screwed. She thinks any eggs under her are HERS ALONE and NOT TO BE DISTURBED. You have to outsmart her, and I advise wearing a pair of thick leather gloves. Not to protect against pecks, but because the second she sees them, she’ll freak out and fly as far away as possible. Just don’t take the gloves off in front of the hens, because they’ll think you took off your hands, and then you’ll have a real circus. Once you’ve got the eggs, put them in the wire basket that should be in the entryway unless I left it in the house, in which case you’ll have to think of something else. If you’re lucky, I’ll put egg cartons out there for you, but it’s a 50/50 chance that I forgot them. Before you leave, make sure to count them all, there should be 17 hens and one rooster, and if there are fewer, you’re in trouble. Don’t try and touch the rooster, he will explode in terror. Penny and Bean are very shy and tiny, they will likely just stay outside away from big scary you. Dover will eat your fingers, Penny will eat anything dangly in your hair, Peeper will jump on the roost and annoy you until you pet her, Bukky will fall asleep in the water bowl, and Mo will peck you if she’s in a box.

But of course my chickens are all super nice and will never do anything to hurt you!
Your signature: ____________________

Fine print: I am not liable for any injuries, illnesses, or lice bites you may incur from taking care of said chickens. Please contact your insurance agent for more information. I’m very well known to them, but not for any bad reasons, I assure you…
Click to expand...
Thank you!
 
Feathers and Fluff Farm
Chicken Care Contract



Make sure you don't let Brown Betty out. When you go into the coop she will immediately lunge for the door. If you nudge her back she will peck your foot.
When you feed them, make sure to call each one by name and tell them here is their food. If you don't they will get chronic depression. Then there will be no eggs.
Snowy is missing a toe but none of her feistiness. She will run circles around you if the food isn't put out fast enough. When you give water make sure you don't pour too fast or too slow, as it makes Cloud angry and she will jump in the water dish just to make it poop-muddy and irritate you.
Stripe and Speckle may jump up and down while crowing if you don't talk to them. Ignore them, they are large, feathery attention seekers. They spill water as fast as you pour it if they aren't happy with the way you are pouring.
When you get the eggs, watch out for the snake in the coop. Mites have never shown up, but snakes have.
Don't mind Betty behind you pecking your boot. She just wants to be chased around the run.


Sign here:_____________________________
By signing, you agree to be bound by these terms.
 
Here's mine, finally. Should be 676 words.

How-To Chicken Care Guide—for vacation

​

At precisely 5:59 AM, let out the chickens. Any earlier and they will never come out, and you will have to go back to bed for the rest of the day. Any later and they will come out with squawks of indignation and peck you to pieces, and they will ultimately kill you from pecking. Only half a scoop of treats for the hen coop. A whole scoop for the meat chickens. (Quick note for the meat chickens: 4:21 AM is when you let them out; any later and they will eat you alive, plus poop all over you; and any earlier they will come out for one hour to eat and drink, then go back inside. You must shoo them out after that because they need their exercise; the only problem is that they keep going back inside. Figure it out for yourself how to get them out.)

Check everyone’s water (hen coop, meat chicken pen) outside and inside. Refill them (if needed) from the gas can of fuel. It makes them grow faster and makes their eggs spicier. Next, check everyone’s food. Layer feed is in the red bag with the platypus on it, and the grower feed for the meat chickens is in the yellow bag with the deer on it. Refill it if it needs refilling. After that look inside for dead chickens, just to be sure. Then, beware of broody hens. Bananito will eat you alive. I don’t want that happening to you. It happened to my friend. Then check for sick and dead chicks, and then sick chickens. Collect the eggs, and as they will be covered with lice and mites, lay them to air out in the grass.

Next, pick up Lady Nacho and stroke her. If Sir Cuckoo crows, compliment him on his good crowing. If Rafael crows, smack him and tell him his crowing is despicable. Then, pick up Princess Ivy from the meat chicken pen. She is very fond of attention. Stroke her and tell her what good barbecue she is going to be. Pick the eggs up from the grass, and then count them. There should be 100 eggs. If there aren’t yell at my 16 hens to lay 100 eggs by the end of the day. If they don’t lay their dues then don’t give them food in the evening. Also, make sure they drink diesel instead of gasoline with their dinner. It’ll stimulate their hormones to produce more than one egg a day.

Provided you have not met the chickens’ timelines and done their bidding, you may either be in bed for the rest of the day, dead in the chicken run, eaten alive by the meat chickens, or still trying to figure out how to get all the meat chickens out. Provided you have met their timelines, done their bidding, and fed and watered all of them, you may go and eat a bag of chips and swim in the swimming pool.

However, you must lock all of them up at 7:00 SHARP. If you don’t then they will all eat you alive, each and every one of them. Don’t let that fate befall you. You must stroke every single one of the chickens very thoroughly or else all chickens on the planet will get chronic depression. If you pour their food the way they don’t like it, they will tip the feeder over just to tick you off. If you pour the diesel too fast, too slow, at an angle they don’t like, or a certain way they don’t like, all of their feathers will fall out instantaneously. And they will jump in the water dish just to muck it up so that they can make you angry and frustrated.

Sign here: __________________________________
By signing here, you agree to be the chickens' slave, attached by ball and chain. And a shock collar.

Fine print: I am not liable for any injuries, illnesses, lice, mites, and fleas you might incur from these chickens. Contact your local insurance company for more information.​
 
Last edited:
LhickenChicken said:
Here's mine, finally. Should be 676 words.

How-To Chicken Care Guide—for vacation

​

At precisely 5:59 AM, let out the chickens. Any earlier and they will never come out, and you will have to go back to bed for the rest of the day. Any later and they will come out with squawks of indignation and peck you to pieces, and they will ultimately kill you from pecking. Only half a scoop of treats for the hen coop. A whole scoop for the meat chickens. (Quick note for the meat chickens: 4:21 AM is when you let them out; any later and they will eat you alive, plus poop all over you; and any earlier they will come out for one hour to eat and drink, then go back inside. You must shoo them out after that because they need their exercise; the only problem is that they keep going back inside. Figure it out for yourself how to get them out.)

Check everyone’s water (hen coop, meat chicken pen) outside and inside. Refill them (if needed) from the gas can of fuel. It makes them grow faster and makes their eggs spicier. Next, check everyone’s food. Layer feed is in the red bag with the platypus on it, and the grower feed for the meat chickens is in the yellow bag with the deer on it. Refill it if it needs refilling. After that look inside for dead chickens, just to be sure. Then, beware of broody hens. Bananito will eat you alive. I don’t want that happening to you. It happened to my friend. Then check for sick and dead chicks, and then sick chickens. Collect the eggs, and as they will be covered with lice and mites, lay them to air out in the grass.

Next, pick up Lady Nacho and stroke her. If Sir Cuckoo crows, compliment him on his good crowing. If Rafael crows, smack him and tell him his crowing is despicable. Then, pick up Princess Ivy from the meat chicken pen. She is very fond of attention. Stroke her and tell her what good barbecue she is going to be. Pick the eggs up from the grass, and then count them. There should be 100 eggs. If there aren’t yell at my 16 hens to lay 100 eggs by the end of the day. If they don’t lay their dues then don’t give them food in the evening. Also, make sure they drink diesel instead of gasoline with their dinner. It’ll stimulate their hormones to produce more than one egg a day.

Provided you have not met the chickens’ timelines and done their bidding, you may either be in bed for the rest of the day, dead in the chicken run, eaten alive by the meat chickens, or still trying to figure out how to get all the meat chickens out. Provided you have met their timelines, done their bidding, and fed and watered all of them, you may go and eat a bag of chips and swim in the swimming pool.

However, you must lock all of them up at 7:00 SHARP. If you don’t then they will all eat you alive, each and every one of them. Don’t let that fate befall you. You must stroke every single one of the chickens very thoroughly or else all chickens on the planet will get chronic depression. If you pour their food the way they don’t like it, they will tip the feeder over just to tick you off. If you pour the diesel too fast, too slow, at an angle they don’t like, or a certain way they don’t like, all of their feathers will fall out instantaneously. And they will jump in the water dish just to muck it up so that they can make you angry and frustrated.

Sign here: __________________________________
By signing here, you agree to be the chickens' slave, attached by ball and chain. And a shock collar.

Fine print: I am not liable for any injuries, illnesses, lice, mites, and fleas you might incur from these chickens. Contact your local insurance company for more information.​
Click to expand...
Maybe I should make the fine print fine...
 

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