How would you handle this?

[Quail_Antwerp]

I am having a difficult time dealing with a friend who is upset about their financial situation.

I have tried making suggestions to help them save $ and cutback on expenses, but they have an answer on everything and how it won't save them $. If they aren't willing to give up the cable and cell phone bill, I can't make them, nor can I see anyway to help them.

I don't want to criticize my friend or hurt her feelings, but how do I support her and make her feel better about their situation? She is really down about the finances in their family.

 

[menageriemama]

Is she asking you directly for advice? If not, then I would try to re-frame the way you are looking at your friendship with her. My closest friends and I call each other to vent and just hear what the other has to complain about. Hearing my friend's problems helps me put mine in perspective and vice versa. Once in a great while we will ask each other for direct advice, and that is tricky. You have to be honest but also gentle in the way you express you opinion. Things like money issues are not something that I go into with my friends. Too sticky. Maybe just give her a hug and let her know that you are there as a shoulder to cry on as well as a pal to laugh with...

 

[Quail_Antwerp]

Quote:
I don't think she directly asked, but I did drop the subject with her and offered an apology if I had offended her. She said I hadn't.

I know she is sad about things and I don't know how to cheer her up.

 

[Beekissed]

I find this somewhat frustrating as well. I have a few acquaintences that go over the same complaints each time we converse. They have an excuse for everything, just as described in the OP. Sometimes I think they are just looking for validation. I think they want someone to tell them its normal to want their cake and have it too, that we all do it and it works out okay for us, so it will for them also.

When they ask me directly how I stay afloat, I tell them how I cut costs by not having TV service, cell phones, a car payment, etc. They usually reply, "I couldn't do without my <insert favorite gadget or thing>!" Then I gently say, "Then I guess having those things is worth all the stress of trying to pay for them!" This usually stops the complaints.

It would be different if they only complained once in a blue moon, but its every time we talk! Kind of like talking to a wall, so I just tell them thereafter, "Well, you know what you have to do to get there, don't you?" They usually change the tune then. All one can do is tell them how it can be done, if so desired, and then give them the gentle reminder when they digress!

 

[chcknrs]

I have a friend like that too, and he is always complaining and asking my advice. So I give it to him and he does nothing about his situation but continue to complain and ask for advice. i finally told him that if he wasn't willing to take any action, then I didn't want to hear about it anymore. He still calls, but he doesn't complain so much.

 

[menageriemama]

I know that when I have been bummed out in the past about financial things, I have found that volunteer work has helped lift my spirits. Maybe you and your friend could do a day at a soup kitchen which helps homeless people. Perspective is a good thing

 

[lorieMN]

if you really are good friends then you should be able to be blunt with her,ask her if she really wants your advice or not,if she does tell her listen and take notes,if not shut up about it cause you are tired of hearing about it.

 

[Alexis]

Biggest thing is to just BE there to listen when other people are unloading their stress. That's what friends are for... and if she wants specific advice, just tell her in a loving way. She'll appreciate you for it.

I have to agree on getting some perspective though! We spent a night feeding homeless people under a bridge a few weeks ago, and it was VERY eye opening. I haven't complained about having to pay my bills since then! I'm just grateful that I HAVE bills because it means I have things that make me comfortable such as a car to drive around.

My husband and I are now recruiting people to go do the same thing another night soon - and the one friend of mine that is constantly complaining about her finances will be in the car next to me. I'd really like her to see how good she has it. My ungrateful 12 year old will be there too, if I have my way

 

[Quail_Antwerp]

Well I think the biggest problem I am having with it right now is financially, she and her husband are better off than we are.

She is offended if I suggest cutting things out, because the things I suggest they cut out are things we don't have. She has excuses for why they need things, and I have to say the cell phone excuse I understood because she has children and wants a phone on her if something happens while she is out with the kids.

We talked again this morning and I held my tongue, didn't make any suggestions or anything, and we had a very nice conversation, which we normally do.

 

[RASTACHICKI]

Until people can distinguish between wants and needs, it is useless to try and tell people how to live. Fortunately, all i really need to live is water, food, shelter, and fire. Besides those things all else is a want. Now have we progressed in society that requires further implications of needs? YES. those things are cars, a/c (i live in the SOUTH), appliances which make our lives easier and so on. But I see tons of people my age (33) who don't know the first thing about saving. My parents were depression era kids, so i guess they rubbed off on me, but i find it amusing to watch folks fumble aimlessly in debt, yet they have the cell phones with all the latest gadgets, 58"HD TV's, new cars, and all of this yet they still aren't happy!! Then i see good ole country folks who have a garden and chickens and oh yes big smiles. need i say more!!!