husbands sister needs to go rant

[kareninthesun]

Quote:
this burns me up. they have NO say in how money within YOUR family unit is spent! as if they are children compairing why other siblings are given bigger allowances. your hubby may be as overwhelmed as you are, but as blood relatives, and as your husband and father of his children, he needs a cold.reality check on whats happening. we have a big house and taken in various relatives in immediate need. sometimes.it works. sometimes not. we've even turned down one sister after she complained about after staying at someones home, she looked.into his checkbook and was upset because he could have given her faimily a LOT more. when my mil stayed with us, we refused to take money, the idea was she could.save a lot to get back on her feet. in front of her son, she was sweet, but strong willed, judgemental, she'd go behind my back and gossip, complain about everything, refuse to help do anything. since she no longer drove ( didnt want the burden of upkeep and insurance) she gave her car to her daughter. i drove her everywhere. when i started standing up for my son, she played childish mind games including refusing to allow me to drive her anywhere. my hubby had this privelge when he got home from work. when my mom became seriously ill, there was no compassion. I'd drive three hours one way after work to be with my mom, drive back home, and she'd complain about how i was ignoring my son, or how nobody cooked dinner.(she is healthy). or complain about my son having friends over. (all good teens, all excellent grades and involved in sports). when left alone.with him the last time, she demanded he not do the chore list i gave him before water pollo practice, but to help her clean out her closets,i had had enough. she refused to go to any of his meets, but showered praises and was ready to leave when her daughter showed up for every concert her granddaughter had. when my mom passed away, i gave it one last try, tried to explain to her that my childern had no other grandmother to build a relationship with. her response.was that she was within her right to be judgemental when anyone disagreed with her points of view, and she didnt believe in ever letting go of that. i asked if that was dependant on age. she said no. i asked if that applied to her daughter and granddaughter and she was bewildered over the question. the last time she stomped dramatically to her room i gave my husband the ultimatim and a deadline; her or me. amazingly, she suddenly had the money to move. my hu by knew in his head what was happening, but he didnt know how to "fix" it. since he was raised to repect his parents, and he understood the dynamics of a marriage commitment, the underlaying factors of his mom wanting all the attention from her only son internally kept him hopping, hoping he could somehow find a fix. but when you have master manipulators whom are good at pointing blame.when the topics hit to close to home, someone has to garner enouh courage to salvage what is valuable. usually its the wives because we know there isn't a way to fix the brokeness beyond what is there, and we can see what is in danger of being lossed.

a dear friend when facing the same thing did research on govenment housing and other sources.gave them a strong deadline. demanxed her hubby be with her on the day when they had to be packed and gone. they've spent a long time in.perfecting being victims, enabling others into their drama with guilt.

do not.let them chase you from your home. do not let them victimize you by putting their hands in your wallets, physically or mentally. stop them immediatly and demand respect for.what is your home, your space. demand a.plan of action. proof that they are daily looking for.employment as long as they are wih you. restrict completly their use of the internet- libraries have them. everything you give has been taken from somewhere else, and they need to be reminded of that every time they bluster off of their rights.

 

[Marcymom3]

So sorry you are going through this trouble. Is there someone in your life whom your husband respects who would be willing to sit down with the two of you and act as a moderator? Maybe your pastor or one of the deacons at your church? If you could have a conversation that didn't escalate into an argument I believe you could solve this problem.

Whether you hold a job outside the home or contribute financially is totally irrelevant and, if I may say so, none of your SIL's business. Running your household is a full-time job and you are to be commended for doing it cheerfully and well under the normal circumstances of your life. (before it was crashed by the in-laws) Please, don't leave your home because of these people. If you do, you will be giving them exactly what they want!! It is YOUR home. You have to stand up for it and defend it with or without your husband's help. Do it in a calm, rational way, on your terms. You already have the advantage of it being your turf. You keep taking care of it. What they do will make more work for you, that is true, but it is yours. Do not give it up!!

My experience is that when you permit someone to engage you in a "discussion" about things that do not concern them they automatically win. You need to be the one to choose the topics of discussion in your home. Walk away from anything else. Do not be bullied by these people, hon. BE BOLD but remember it does no good to argue with a fool. You are getting upset (totally understandably) and it is coming between you and your husband. Again, it is unfortunate, but it is correctable.

Remember, being a nice person does not make you a weak person. Have this conversation with hubs soon. Ask him if he considers himself to be a man of his word. Remind him of your wedding vows. If they were the traditional ones: "_________, wilt thou have this woman/man to be thy wedded wife/husband to live together after God’s ordinance in the Holy Estate of matrimony? Wilt thou love her/him, in sickness and in health, and forsaking all others keep thee only unto her/him, so long as ye both shall live? ("I will")

A good rant is good for the soul! LOL.. I'll be praying for you.

 

[WingingIt]

Forgive me for not reading every post, so maybe someone brought this up already. Do you rent? If you do, most leases have wording about how long 'guests' can stay in the rental home. So maybe a call to the landlord/manager might be a place to start and get a guest time limit count down started.

Just saying....

I'm sorry your DH isn't backing you up. You are doing a LOT of his family, the least he could do is tell them to respect his wife and home.

 

[busybecca]

I have BEEN THERE - and it stinks - get your hands on the book Boundries by Dr.'s Cloud and Townsend - you and your hubby need to be assured that lovingly setting boundries is the best for all - and if they cannot accept it - that is on them and you are not bad people for drawing the line on things. It will help immediately - I promise -

I lived through it - my sister-in-law lived with us and we found out her fiance hit her several times with our kids in the room (she was holding our baby) so we said he is never again welcome in our home (since my husband wouldn't let me shoot him - another story) - she flipped out and moved in with him (dumb move) and then married him a few months later. No lie - 6 weeks after they married - he severly beat some guy in a bar and is now serving 4 years in prison. She still won't talk to us (mad we were "mean" to him) - but the guy is 6'4", 330 lbs. and no way is abuse welcome in our home. That was our boundry and we made the right choice for our family, especially considering what followed within the next few months. We have to be accountable to God and our kids for what we allow in our homes and no one else (no matter how they think we owe them). Hang in there. Protect your marriage - remember you only really have each other...

 

[busybecca]

I just want to add also, that this SIL of mine lived off my husband for 3 years because she just wasn't mentally/emotionally ready for a job and a place of her own (she was 29!) and the worst mistake we ever made was to let her stay in the house after we married. (Magically, when her new hubby went to prison, she is working and providing for herself just fine since she has no one to mooch off of...). Although it is very painful to think about it - actually saying here's the date you are out - no question. Or your stuff is out and locks changed and police called - is the best thing to do - really - these people will never change and if they were the loving family they always tell you that you need to be - this situation would not even be happening. We have paid a price with other family members over our decision, but they aren't a part of our daily life, and our life is SO MUCH CALMER AND NICER it was worth it. And, not to mention, not one of them ever had to put up with her and wouldn't - so their hypocrisy is laughable. It is worse to think of it before-hand - just do it and the relief will be immense for you, your hubby and kids.

It was terrible for my husband at the time too, and now he always apologizes for not doing it sooner! I love him - he is a great man - he was just very manipulated (like yours) by his family. And he is happy now and feels more respected by me which brought us closer as a couple. Show him the responses on here - it will give him something to think about and take that step.

 

[zippitydooda]

Quote:
GREAT perspective.

For the record, when I suggested you take a break, I didn't mean to suggest you leave permanently.... simply take a vacation to gain perspective. Sometimes I tend to not be clear on what I'm trying to say.

I agree that your home should stay yours. I also agree that they are definitely bullying you AND your hubby. He probably feels stuck between a rock and a hard place! I agree that you need to STICK TOGETHER on this one.

You are also in my prayers. Let us know how this turns out.

 

[Rhett&SarahsMom]

sorry,, but I would LEAVE.
His sister and her family is disrespecting you in your home. AND so is YOUR HUSBAND.

Why are you still there? There is NO WAY you should be taking this. And that he isnt standing beside you is wrong.
Yes it is his sister, but ya know what. YOU ARE HIS WIFE.
If he wants to be brother. fine.. let him. but respect yourself and get out. If you have kids, take them with you. Go to your family. But dont keep taking this abuse from all of them. It's not healthy

 

[onthespot]

There is such a thing as domestic theft. They are living in your domicile without paying their way, when they have been asked to leave, or pay. I believe you can seek damages in small claims court.

 

[FireTigeris]

Get a POD (TM) and put it nearest where your garbage is collected-

Put their stuff in it (include garbage and food that they ruin).

put a combination lock on it-

Change your house locks.

When they come tell them:

a) the police are on the way they have 28 days to remove the stuff from the POD or take over payments.
b) the combination to the stuff and warn them the POD is being removed in 28 days.
c) all of the above
d) none of the above instead present a bill, the stuff is 'hostage' until the bill is paid. (<- this may NOT be legal in all places, called um... 'conversion of property'? also may rack up a large POD fee)

 

[violetsky]

With the kind of people you are dealing with they believe kindness is a weakness not strength. It is very easy for shameless controlling people to
take advantage of you because they are willing to cross lines you are not. I learned this from a controlling abusive boyfriend I once had the misfortune to become involved with. I was raised to be polite and considerate of people and had no practical training or experience how to get control of my life without risking a lot of emotional
not to mention physical hurt. Don't wait for the ugly scene that finally makes you take action, because eventually it will happen, you need to act now. The whole lot
of them are thick skinned and won't suffer the kind of emotional pain and trauma you are going to have to go through to clean house. Your sil is never going to give you
any credit for any help or consideration you've given her whether you let them stay a few weeks to a few years. That kind of person is a taker not a giver and has no house manners whatsoever. As the old saying goes you can't wrestle with pigs without getting dirty and I'm afraid that's what you are faced with. I'm so sorry you are outnumbered and your husband doesnt have a clue. My solution was to run away. I lost a lot of money but got peace of mind.