I finally reached out today.

[scbatz33]

Debi,
All you can do is be there. Literally be there. When my father was hospitalized in 05, for 7 months he wasted away. It was horrible. I hated every minute of it. But I wouldn't give up the time I did have with him. I miss him terribly and I wish he was still here.

 

[6littlechickies]

Quote:
featherbaby....

I am fortunate to still have both my parents but did see my FIL through a 9 month (to the day) ordeal with mesotheioma so I have a glimpse into losing a parent myself. Even before I was married to my DH, they treated me like a daughter and it felt every bit like losing my own father when we lost him.

sounds like you just need some

 

[debilorrah]

Lunch went well today. As well as can be expected. Everyone told jokes, we had two little ones with us that he kept wanting on his lap. He looked tired, sad and resigned to the fact that he won't be here much longer. He ate half of his meal which was good. It was good to hug him, tell him I love him, and make him smile with a stupid joke. And I managed not to cry until I drove away.

Now I need to go make him biscuits and gravy for breakfast this weekend - found out he loves them and Susan (shame on you!) doesn't know how to make them

 

[rancher hicks]

Quote:
Well that fact is there are many people who never have family let alone a friend. I like to hold my head up in gratitude to the Lord that I was so blessed to have the person in my life. Now your confident your friend's going heaven and that's not a bad thing. Show God your grateful by showing an attitude of thankfulnesss.

This is what I did when my brother died. It just seemed to me that to be sad would be ungrateful. Instead I was thankful that I had the love of/for my brother that few others will ever know.

"In everything give thanks , for this is the will of God".

Rancher

 

[I have WHAT in my yard?]

Deb take your video camera to group gatherings.

I have been blessed enough to be with three different people at the moment they passed. It has given me perspective. It is only my point of view so take it for what it is worth.

Death is like others have said a simple passing through. I watched my grandmother quietly and gently surrounded by people she loved, move on. Before she died she called it graduating. She said it was her time because she had passed all the tests..... Funny lady.

Another I watched died quite suddenly and in agony and terror. It was a horrible thing to witness, and is certainly not the way you want to go. But, acceptance makes the transition easier for every one. Knowing ahead of time that your time is short is a true blessing. Having it be short enough that you can say goodbye but don't suffer for very long is wonderful.

Follow his lead, follow his family's lead. One day he may be resigned, one day he may be angry. During his last days my father used to rail at me and the nurses. He was out of his mind from strokes and pain and did not know who he was. I kept having to remind myself that "he" the person he had been that I had loved, had already died. He was just waiting for his body to give up. But, I think the stubbornness of his personality and his love for my mother made him stay. She finally got into bed with him and told him it was OK for him to go. She told him he could go and she would catch up later. He died within the hour. Despite the fact that his mind was pretty much gone I am certain he heard her and had waited for her permission.

I was not present when my aunt died, but we had many wonderful laugh filled talks before she died. We reminisced and told stories about when we were younger. She told us lots of stories about when she was young. We videotaped as many as we could. Sometimes she would not let us.

Anyway, I have lost so many people and being present at the moment of passing for three of them I am not afraid to die. My focus is entirely on making my loved ones lives easier after I am gone. He may be there, but he may not be. My friend who died of lung cancer was pretty angry all the way to the end. Her anger was hard on her and everyone around her but dying is an individual thing and who has the right to tell some one else how to handle their own death??

Tape record him for his kids' sake. Be there. Listen laugh do what coyote said so much better than I could. You're a good person Deb I wish you both well.

 

[girlychick]

This post almost made me cry, no one should have to deal with cancer

 

[Cetawin]

featherbaby I am so so sorry for your parents nearing their journey. I still have both of my parents, have had some close calls but they are still here. I have lived through the situation you are in with my grandfather, great grandfather and great grandmother. I will tell you a quick story that may be of some help to you...

When I went away to college after taking time off to give birth to my son, I snuck back to my hometown with a u-haul and literally stole the 2 grandfathers and grandmother from my parent's home. I left my daddy a note and said "I have the grandpas and grandma and I am keeping them". I did keep them, I was with the grandpas when they died and I would not trade those times in my life for anything. It was tough. I was single, raised a son alone, working full-time and going to school full-time. But it was great!

The night my great grandfather died I had just come home from work with my son and was getting ready to head to class to take a final exam and he said "I know you have a big law test tonight but can you stay home with me, I want to talk to you" I looked at him and I could see the seriousness written on his face but a softness and love in his eyes. I said "of course grandfather I will stay with you". We talked, mostly him and I listened, until the wee hours of the morning, he insisted I write everything down. All about his childhood, his wife, his children, his wife's death, etc etc." when he was finished talking he walked into my son's room and kissed him as he slept and he hugged me and kissed me. I followed back to his room to make sure he had everything he needed for the night and he said "In the morning you will know what to do but will not want to accept. Remember who you are and my wishes. I have loved you since before you were born and will always be with you but it is time for me to take my journey" I immediately became distraught and he scolded me...reminded me that I was being selfish trying to keep him here...and he gently reminded me that it was a natural thing and it was time. I went to sleep crying and thinking it was a bad dream...the man had never been sick a day in his life...yes he was nearing 105 years old but he behaved like he was 50 most every day. When I awoke, I went to check on him immediately and my grandfather, his son, was singing a prayer song and I knew he was gone. He went to sleep and did not awaken. He wrote a note and left it for me...I still have it in my scrapbook. And it was simple but to the point...

"I love you and shall always be with you. Do not cry; rejoice, celebrate and be happy for me as I move on to my new life. A new journey awaits with those I loved and who passed before me. I will see you smile again, no tears."

At the man's memorial service I could do nothing but smile, remember fond happy memories of growing up with him and of the day I stole him from my father's house. I still miss him 20+ years later but I cannot bring myself to ever shed a tear. He paved the way for me to handle the long illness and death of my grandfather 4 years later.

So, talk to your dad and your mom, often, never forget all of the good and all of the smiles...those are things you will cling to after they are gone. Do not cling to the vision of the sick and dying, cling to the vision of the people you have loved all of your life, through good and bad. Your father hears you no matter what anyone else thinks...his heart hear you, so talk to him. tell him what you feel and how much you love him. Read to him and include him in your every day life by talking to him about the weather, the chickens, the latest silly thing on TV. And remember that he loves you too. All daddys love their little girls.

 

[featherbaby]

Oh Cetawin! Thank you for your insight and sharing your story with me. Even though it brought tears to my eyes, I treasure it and have learned from it. God bless you for your kindness and compassion to your loved ones ...... and to me.

6littlechickies. thank you for the hugs and the empathy. I don't feel quite as alone as I did earlier today.


Sandi

 

[Cetawin]

featherbaby, there is more than chickenstuff going on around this place. There is friendhip, understanding, compassion and genuine support to be had. Afterall...there is more to our lives than just our birds.

Love your daddy while you have him in this world but remember he will always be with you where is really counts, your heart.

 

[WriterofWords]

I don't know Debi. I got a call today from the husband of the friend I asked for prayers for over a year ago. For the last 6 months she's been cancer free,, but had a seizure Sunday and CT scan showed 8 tumors in her brain. She has to make a choice,, 3 months without treatment, possibly a year with treatment. I just don't know.