I got something on my mind and I think it's important.

[Beekissed]

Many people feel differently about funerals. Some people feel like they must be there to "honor the dead"~show how much they liked that particular person, to support the family, or just because it is the thing that is expected.

I am a hospice nurse and, though I bond closely with my patients and their families, I do not attend the funerals. Our company wants us to do so because it "looks good". I still do not. My devotion,compassion and care were given 120% while they were alive, when it was needed the most. When they are gone it is much too late to "honor" them or support the family.

I feel that way about all my loved ones....I visit, call, love and care for them at every moment I can so that I don't have to have regrets about not "honoring" them while it is still useful to do so. I never hang up the phone without telling them I love them, I put that love into action by supporting them, being their friend in need and generally being glad they are alive...and showing them that.

After they are dead it seems kind of a moot point to show up out of some misplaced sense of duty or in a feeble attempt to show how much you cared for them.

 

[Ksane]

BeeKissed-that's exactly how I feel. Very well said.

 

[they'reHISchickens]

Funerals are to help the living left behind, not the dead. I've been asking my kids ( all adults) what they will be comfortable with for me, because it won't matter to me. It will matter to them.
I don't expect a crowd. Don't want a crowd. I tend to like the idea of composting

 

[welsummerchicks]

Oh I don't know. Family members and friends aren't always fair to each other - people get cut out of the family or from their friends for the wrong reasons often. And people are often 'mean' because they're in pain - physically suffering or suffering from untreated depression. In many years I've found there's always a darn good reason why certain people are 'angry' and 'mean'. It would be good if someone would reach out to them and try to help them.

 

[debilorrah]

If someone really doesn't want a large gathering, they should spell that out ahead of time. I also feel that people show up to a funeral to show support for the family that is grieving.

 

[Beekissed]

I'm wondering if all those same people continue to support the grieving family....it's been my experience that, for most people, that is the only time they show the support. Two weeks to a month later, when the family starts to come out shock and realize the impact of the death, there is no one to be found. I've heard this from families over and over...I'm wondering if most people would rather have continued support in their grief~ or a full house on the day of the funeral?

 

[kathyinmo]

I have gone to funerals of people I had never met. This, to show respect and support the grieving person who lost a loved one.
Funerals or memorial services are more for the survivors than for the dead person. Well, not entirely only for the survivors. I feel quite confident that if I were to die next week, my 5 adult children would have many many friends attending my services; many I would not even know. It's all about respect and support, I believe. Attending out of respect for the dead, or to be supportive to the survivors.

 

[debilorrah]

Quote:
I suppose it depends on the level of friendship. I figure if I can't be there for the long haul, I won't go to the service. I have only attended a handful of funerals because my personal belief is that if you attend you are making a statement to offers support whenever needed.

Most of those that I know that have passed were distant acquaintances. But a dear friends father and my best friends husband, I certainly attended those and I continue to offer friendship today.

 

[rancher hicks]

Quote:
Kathy - this is why I like you. You get me.

However what is sad is that so many missed the whole point. It's not about who does or doesn't come to your funeral , it's about YOU living a life that matters. Certainly there are many people who have loads of people who come to their funerals. However the question is, if you died tomorrow would any one really miss you? Do you live the kind of life that matters? Certainly life goes on but what will remain of your life?

Maya Angelou wrote that when a loved one dies "I try to think on the "heritage" they've given me". Believe it or not there are people here who have given me a heritage. A part of themselves that will remain with me for the rest of my life. I am a better person because of them.

These people who I mentioned? It wasn't about their funeral but the life they lived or are living now. They lived lives to themselves and for themselves and now when it is the autumn of their lives all they have is themselves. And when they die all that they have sown to themselves will be buried with them. There will be no wisdom or acts of kindness living on in those who knew them.

What Kathy said is so true, but when you go will anyone really care? Clearly some don't care about who they leave behind. It's not about YOU. Funerals are a part of the grieving process for some people, why (if you are such a kind person) would you deny them that?


Thanks Kathy for getting it, would to God there were more like you,

Rancher

 

[DuckLady]

Quote:
That is what my late grandmother told me. I asked could we have a party to celebrate her instead? She like that idea and we had her friends and relatives and had a catered Mexican food feast.

We had pictures and all told stories and we had a wonderful time and she would have, too.