I just do not trust her(long rant)

[OHMYCHICKIES]

I think the biggest thing here is that the MIL has lied and do you trust a person with your child when they lie to you. When the daughter says to grandma, mom says I have to go to bed at 8:00, what does the grandma say to her, okay time for bed, nope don't think so if she's up after 9. How can you trust what the MIL does when she can't even be honest with you?

 

[Rhett&SarahsMom]

Quote:
When I was planning our wedding. I was sitting on the floor of the room my dh and i shared in her home, looking at pictures of the wedding dress styles I was considering. She came in and said, and I quote "You arent thinking of that dress are you? It will make your butt look bigger than it already is" I said. "Actually I AM. And will be going out this week to try some on." Two weeks later she handed me her guest list. My dh and I paid for the entire event ourselves. Many on her list were families with small children. We had already told her it was an adult only event on a Friday evening. So I had to then listen to her whine about that for the next several months. We invited her cousins and such..none showed after RSVPing they were attending. BIG PET PEEVE of mine.

My mom would NEVER take my daughter out walking after dark on an unlit road with no sidewalks to an unlit park. My mom raised US with safety in mind.
My dh does not have to jockey between us. He does nothing if it isnt what he wants to do. He feels she was WAY out of line himself. I didnt make him feel this way. He feels this way. I do not put him into any position. He makes up his own mind. Benefit of being an adult when you marry and have a child. He knows his own mind and is not a "mamas boy" or a weak man that can be handled by anyone.

My daughter spends many nights away from home. We live over and hour from his mom and over 2 hours from mine. My mom knows that I am raising my child a certain way. My MIL knows this as well. Just chooses to ignore it.
I am not "high drama" I am not hyper vigilent. I was in the next room when she put her knee through the glass entertainment center and ended up in the ER. Most recently she burned herself on a cigarette lighter that I had thought was locked up safely in the glove box. It wasnt and she had a 2nd degree burn on her thumb from it.

I know the "sky isnt falling" and I am not a cry wolf type of person. But I KNOW my daughter and I know my MIL.
My daughter IS my life.
I am like this because I have gotten "bad gut feelings" and NOT followed through or paid attention to them and have had terrible things happen to people I love.I had gotten a bad feeling about the glass door. Was going to remove it that day, but hadnt yet. She now has a scars. I lost my best friend on 9/11 in T2. The day before I got a feeling I should call her and tell her that "something" didnt feel right. I didnt call her. She WOULD HAVE changed her plans and not been there that day IF I had called her. Because she knew me and that I am like this.

So yes. I am going to follow my gut from now on and no. My dd will not be having day trips or overnights with my MIL. My mom. Yes. Because she tells me what they are doing. If there is a change in plans she tells me before hand and my mom has COMMON SENSE. Oh and my mom also calls me to ASK if dd can stay up later when she is with them.

 

[Rosalind]

Rhett&SarahsMom: I usually find that if my gut is telling me something is wrong, it's because something IS wrong, but I can't quite articulate it. When I sleep on it, take a few days or a few weeks to think about it, suddenly I realize how to articulate why I felt so weird about that situation. I've gotten better at articulating what I intuit over the years, but it takes lots of practice and trusting myself.

You'll put your finger on it yet. Just sort of relax and let your brain work on its own. So far, it sounds like just the fact that she criticizes you and goes behind your back about important issues, you feel that she will undermine you and doesn't take responsibility for her undermining, just basically has no respect for you, but maybe there is something else there.

 

[tiffanyh]

Rhett....

people are passing out their advice and their is NO indication that you need to take ANY of that advice. You do whatever you see fit with your daughter, we (myself included) are commenting and giving advice on a tiny tiny sliver of your situation that you have made up privy too. You are the only one who knows the whole story.

I hope everything works out well with your situation!

 

[Rhett&SarahsMom]

Well I JUST got her to sleep.
Basically she cried herself to sleep this evening. She kept telling me over and over that she wanted me to hold her and that she was happy to be home. She is NEVER like this unless she is sick. She has no temp. And she is absolutely never like this after she gets home from my moms. Heck I have to drag her from my moms house. The only way I could get her to stop crying was to mention we are going to my moms on Sunday. And then it was only a brief pause before she began crying again and telling me she "didnt want to have fun ever again"

MIL got her home an hour after she told me they would be here. As my dd was running around saying hi to the animals MIL told me how yesterday went at the pond and with the kayak. I guess my dd didnt want to get in it because it was tippy. So MIL picked her up and sat her down and out in the kayak they went. MILs own words. "she was scared because it was really tippy" But hey you took her out in it anyway! NICE.
Then I find out, after MIL leaves, that they went out in MILs friends car. I dont know this person. I dont know what shape her car is in. I dont know if she is a decent driver or what kind person she is! But hey. Took her out anyway with this person driving. DD said it was a Subaru. Since i know the kid knows her cars.. and SHE KNOWS EM!! I dont doubt it was. But again. No idea on this woman! I have met her ONCE!! Seen her in passing after MILs folks passed.

So yeah. I dont give a rats behind what ANYONE says. My dd is not spending another overnight or any more unsupervised time with MIL. DH is equally upset about the kayak and car thing. And I am wondering what I will learn come tomorrow when dd realizes she is home and safe. I am just hoping I can convince her to "have fun" tomorrow.

 

[tiffanyh]

I am suprised she was so upset. Seems a bit more may have occured than you know so far.....

 

[go-veggie]

Rhett&SarahsMom :

Well I JUST got her to sleep.
Basically she cried herself to sleep this evening. She kept telling me over and over that she wanted me to hold her and that she was happy to be home. She is NEVER like this unless she is sick. She has no temp. And she is absolutely never like this after she gets home from my moms. Heck I have to drag her from my moms house. The only way I could get her to stop crying was to mention we are going to my moms on Sunday. And then it was only a brief pause before she began crying again and telling me she "didnt want to have fun ever again"

MIL got her home an hour after she told me they would be here. As my dd was running around saying hi to the animals MIL told me how yesterday went at the pond and with the kayak. I guess my dd didnt want to get in it because it was tippy. So MIL picked her up and sat her down and out in the kayak they went. MILs own words. "she was scared because it was really tippy" But hey you took her out in it anyway! NICE.
Then I find out, after MIL leaves, that they went out in MILs friends car. I dont know this person. I dont know what shape her car is in. I dont know if she is a decent driver or what kind person she is! But hey. Took her out anyway with this person driving. DD said it was a Subaru. Since i know the kid knows her cars.. and SHE KNOWS EM!! I dont doubt it was. But again. No idea on this woman! I have met her ONCE!! Seen her in passing after MILs folks passed.

So yeah. I dont give a rats behind what ANYONE says. My dd is not spending another overnight or any more unsupervised time with MIL. DH is equally upset about the kayak and car thing. And I am wondering what I will learn come tomorrow when dd realizes she is home and safe. I am just hoping I can convince her to "have fun" tomorrow.

In light of your most recent addition to the story, that would be enough for me to at least feel very uneasy about the situation. My kids are literally the light in my life...I feel like I was given God's most precious gifts, as I'm sure most parents feel. I could never turn my back on what my instinct was telling me when it comes to them.
I am totally PSYCHO when it comes to my kids being anywhere near cigarette smoke, so I would immediately be wondering if there was anyone smoking around her, or heaven forbid, in the car. Just from reading through everything, I would bet that part of your MIL is very interested in being able to spend time with her grandchild and is genuine about it, but another part seems to need to be in control or prove something. I have several people in my family who completely disregard certain people's rules when it comes to their kids. For instance, my kids are 2 and 4 and have never eaten meat other than fish. It is my goal to be sure that they know how the meat gets onto their plate and allow them to make the decision to eat meat only after they are old enough to make that educated decision. Things are better now, but for a while, people would always tease like they were going to sneak them meat or make jokes about it. My MIL even said she would definitely offer them meat if they spent anytime alone with her. I mean, come on, why do people think it is their business to get that involved in these personal, family issues. All it does is confuse the children. I could never have my kids overnight without one of us because of that, and many other reasons...like I said earlier about my mom refusing to use a car seat!! I think there are many, many, genuinely wonderful in-laws and grandparents out there, but I also know that some of them have issues, whether it's jealousy or control, I don't know, but they're out there. It could be that they aren't the ones with the issues at all, and they've been made to feel like an outcast by their sons and daughters, who knows, but all of these issues we've all been writing and reading about really have nothing to do with whatever issue it happens to be. Most everything stems from the way a person was brought up or their own self esteem issues...all of us have personal issues that sometimes end up being projected onto others. Obviously, there is some really deep stuff going on here that is way beyond some of these issues. Trust yourself and do what you need to do with your child, just do it in the most sensitive, diplomatic way possible. Maybe after some time, she'll see that she has upset you with all of the power playing and b.s. and earn your respect and trust again...just handle it in a way that you would want someone to handle it with you. Best wishes to you with this! My daughter starts 4K next month...I know how you feel. We've done a great job of keeping her close, but allowing her independence to blossom. She's thrilled about going to school! She's a secure, confident child, and that gives me (pretty much)all the comfort I need when I think about sending her off to school.​

 

[brahma-momma]

just love, cherish and nourish your children while they are young. they will be grown to soon then you will be the grandma/ mil. and hope that what you have taught them in life is enough that they will continue to let you be a part of theirs and their childrens lives.