I really dont know how else to put it. But I seriously get apprehensive when my MIL takes my daughter over night or if she is babysitting, even if it is only an hour or two. Even if it is in my own home. I just get a bad feeling every time she has her and I am not within sight. And I hate feeling this way. I dont get this way with my mom or my sister. Just my MIL. And she isnt even the one that told me to have an abortion when we told her I was pregnant. It was SMIL, who is currently in Australia that did that little dandy. Yes. Lucky me I have TWO MILs:| MIL that lives in MA has this week off. So she offered to take her for a day or two. I nervously agreed to one night. And seriously I only agreed to it because the horse dentist is supposed to show up tomorrow and I dont want her to be bored as I wait. My daughter is 5 and a half. Now. Nothing has ever happened. Granted MIL, when she was taking dd more often on Saturdays(before gas went up and we traveled and visited more) had been taking dd to temple without telling us. She had been telling us they went to the library. And we would have been none the wiser until my dd told me they were going to temple. *Dh is agnostic. I am Wiccan/neoPagan* We celebrate ALL the holidays in our house. Heck when I was doing full out daycare we celebrated Quanza!! But the fact she was sneaky and didnt ask us if it was alright and then lied to us. Put me on edge. She is ALWAYS forgetting and misplacing things. We lived with MIL for a few months before we bought our own house. It was HELL. Now, she called last Sunday to confirm plans. Said she was going to take dd to Walden pond to swim. Which is ok with me since they have a lifeguard on duty there and a state police presence. "just in case" Then when she called yesterday and said she was going to take dd to the beach on the North shore she goes to. Which doesnt have a life guard and with all the storms off the coast is likely to have a strong current. Never mind the waves. My mom took dd to the beach I grew up at last week. Didnt take her swimming as I didnt send her bathing suit and my mom KNOWS how I feel about my only child being safe. So I told MIL i wasnt comfortable with that. She said "ok" I thought they would go back to Walden Pond being the place they went. NOPE. Today when she came to pick her up she tells my daughter they are going to MILs friends house, who lives on a pond. There is no clear beach area. Which means no clear swimming/wading area. which means no lifeguard. Oh and they are going to use the kayak!! But the friend has a lifevest. For a 5 year old??? One that will fit her correctly?!Her friend has NO KIDS or grandkids!! And of course MIL said this in front of dd, who got excited. I dont want to completely alienate my MIL. But for the love of the gods what the hell ???? I dont want the kid near a strong current. But she thinks a pond with branches, slippery rocks, maybe glass in it and no life guard is ok? And that taking the kid out in a very kayak with a ill fitting life vest is alright?? I am continuously surprised my dh survived. But then again. His parent divorced when he was young and his dad raised him until he was a teen. I am not going to relax or enjoy my "me time" I am going to be worried the entire time she is out there with my daughter. All I can do is wait and pray to the heavens that my daughter is returned to me safe and sound tomorrow afternoon. And that I dont get a phone call from my MIL, the hospital or the police telling me that there was an accident. I would not survive having something happen to my daughter. And I would never ever forgive my MIL should something happen to her. This is going to be a LOOONGG 24 hours
* Question? Does your MIL normally go to temple-- and just took DD along, or is she making special trips to go there to take the child only when she's babysitting?? Just curious.
I think that lying to you about your child's whereabouts is a big deal breaker. I hope that you called her on that. If you didn't - you need to. Even if it is a subtle - "Kiddo mentioned that you took her to temple..." Please do not ban temple. It is a rich part of your partner's family heritage. I am not at all into organized religion, yet I have indulged my kids' participation in others' religous events. It won't kill a kid to learn about other cultures and ways. IMHO. Water safety is very important to me and, obviously, for you. Go buy the life jacket! Sign up for swim classes. You'll feel better. Good luck.
Sneaking around with religious teachings is really inexcusable. If a person doesn't want their child involved in that kind of thing, their wishes should be respected. My best friend ran into this problem with her MIL. The MIL no longer gets alone time with the children because she couldn't understand the meaning of "no".
When I first met my dh 10 years ago, his mother did not go to temple. She hadnt been in years. Then she moved her parents up from FL and into her home and began going only after her father passed last year. I do not have a problem with my daughter learning about her heritage. Or about religion. But she is 5. And her dad and I are not raising her to follow the Jewish faith. He never practiced the faith and has never been to temple. She never took him when he was younger and in her care. I was raised Catholic, then was baptized LDS. I have since found my own path and am raising my daughter to respect all life and religions. But it is something that her dad and I have discussed many times and have agreed on. His mother was upset that we didnt name dd after her mother, who had died before I got pregnant. Per the traditional Jewish practice. When I refused to even use the name as a middle name she began calling my dd by the name anyway. Until I heard her do it twice within an hour and said "that is not her name!" and took dd out of the room. When I found out about the lying about where they actually were going on Saturdays, I sat down with my dh and spoke to him about it. He then spoke with her and she apologized for "stepping on our toes", from what he told me. Since I found out I havent let her stay on a Saturday. I just wish that I could get this sick feeling out of my stomach and heart. I feel perfectly comfortable leaving dd with my mom and sister. Heck my mom had her last week from Sat til Wednesday and I didnt hear from my mom for an entire two days during that time. But I didnt worry a bit. Not like this. It's just that "gut feeling" Ya know?
From reading your post, I think your issues with your MIL go a lot deeper than whether she is OK to keep your daughter. If she's a nut job and you really feel you can't trust her, you will have to cut her off - that means no one-on-one time with grandma for your DD at all...and then you have to face the wrath of the family. BUT if you feel your daughter is REALLY in danger with the woman, you can't let her go, and will just have to put your foot down and suffer the consequences. (AND, BTW, I think you need to get some feedback and input/buy-in from DH here, too since it is HIS mother...) Having said that, I DON'T think that is the case here. Obviously the woman had enough sense to raise your SO to adult hood. Personally, letting your DD go in the water at a friend's pond with adults watching her and a life vest would be perfectly acceptable to me. Frankly, it's better odds for your daughter than swimming at a public place where you have just one or two lifeguards trying to watch 100s of kids.
I would give it to her straight and let her know that if you can't trust her to respect your wishes you cannot let your daughter go with her. Let her know what you expect from her. If you don't tell her she'll never know and you will be left feeling uneasy. I have a similar problem with my own mother, I have never let her babysit my daughter even for a few hrs. I quit smoking for my daughter when I was prego and she undoes my efforts by smoking in her house when my daughter is there. Needless to say, we don't visit often and not for very long if we do, and she lives 15 minutes away.
My MIL took her DD's child one weekend and had her baptized at her Catholic church without her DD or SIL knowing what she did. They are Christians, but they belong to a non-denominational church and don't baptize babies. My MIL was just plotting away for months to try to pull it off, and she did. She actually told me and my DH a couple years ago...I was taking a sip of coffee at the time and I remember that I almost dumped it on my lap. I am a Christian too, but every parent has a right to decide whether or not to baptize their own children. If they don't and the child wants to do it later, then they have it done later. To me, it is a very personal decison and one only the child's parents should make. I was so horrified, and she was telling us like she was proud of herself. I really believe that she thinks she did the right thing, but it is a secret that has haunted me for years. I won't ever tell, but if her DD knew what she did, she and her DH would probably move out of state. They don't get along well with my MIL to begin with. I just had to write about that when I read your story...I'm sure her intentions where your DD is concerned are probably just fine, but I totally understand how you feel. My kids are 2 and 4, and no one ever even asks us if they can have them overnight or for the day or whatever. They know better. My DH and I also have trust issues with people...stemming from comments that my own mom makes like, "I don't see why you bother with car seats, we were never in car seats as kids, and i never even put a seat belt on you or your sister when you were little." She didn't have a car until I was 13 years old though, so she must be talking about when we would ride in someone else's car. Your DD will be fine, and exposing your kids to other people's religious beliefs is only going to make them more able to decide for themselves what religion they identify with best when they get older, but always keep your eyes and ears open because of the recent lying, because in the end, YOU are your DD's mother, not your MIL. Relax today though and enjoy your "me" time...
Honestly, I think something would come up and I'd change my mind. Water fears are huge for me and with someone that has already lied to me about something when they were taking care of my child and seems a bit...er...absentminded? Nope, sorry! Heck, my dad is super duper caring and conscious with my kids, but I normally request no swimming when I'm not around. (My brother and SIL that live next door to him have a pool.) Granted, I had three near drownings happen to myself when I was a child so I'm sure that colors my overprotectiveness in this matter, but still... Child + not attentive guarden + water = NOT giong to happen!
Quote:We had a non denominational "welcoming" celebration when dd was an infant. It was out in my moms yard by the birch tree. We had my sister and my dh's best friend stand up for her as her god parents. And we read from a wonderful book I got when I was pregnant titled "On the Day You were Born" My MIL refused to attend. Here is an excerpt from the book: "On the eve of your birth word of your coming passed from animal to animal. The reindeer told the artic terns.. who told the humpback whales who told the Pacific salmon.. who told the monarch butterflies, who told the green turtles, who told the European eel, who told the busy garden wobblers, and the marvelous news migrated worldwide" I have raised her, thus far, to believe that "we" and nature are all connected and that she has a responsibility to care for everyone and thing that helped "spread the news" of her coming. I do not need a "building" to help me to raise a good and decent person. My religion is all around us. My husband, who believes in no religion and on some days doesnt even believe in God.. is comfortable with my choice for myself and our daughter. If she, when she is older and ASKS to go to temple or is interested in going to "church" I will help her research each religion and it's belief system so that she can make an informed choice. But she is 5. We do not belong to a church or temple. She is not being raised in a particular religion. And it is NOT my MILs place or right to take it upon herself to make sure her "soul" or whatever, is safe. I am pretty sure that my dd's soul, heart and mind are all fine in that respect. I just dont like worrying that her physical body is in harms way every minute and second she is with my MIL. Again.. just that gut feeling that she isnt anywhere near safe when she is with her