Quote:
Don't we all
Boy Howdy, don't we all!!
Don't we all
Boy Howdy, don't we all!!
I really needed to read this
- Thread starter AK Michelle
- Start date
Every weekend we all pitch in as a family and do housework. This is my 2 teen age sons, DH and myself. The jobs that I am fussy about, the kitchen and bathrooms, I do every time. Everything else they do. DH and I have an agreement, I will wash and fold the laundry during the week if he puts it away. I realized years ago, when my sons started doing the dishes, that if I were very fussy about how they are done that I would end up doing them myself forever. Having gunk stuck to pots and pans isn't good, but other than that I let it go. I still end up doing the bulk of the work at home, but I'm here more so it makes sense. But, having help makes a big difference in how I feel about doing it, I feel much more appreciated and loved.
Does it drive me nuts when they leave jobs half finished for a few hours? Or when the laundry sits in the laundry room for days to be put away? Absolutely. But, I like having peace in my home and having every member participating in housework much more than I like perfectly spotless dishes. So, I had to train myself to chill out. This has taken years.
I'm fortunate, my husband understands that my primary focus as a SAHM is to raise the children into well adjusted adults. It's not to be a maid and make sure that every room in the house is perfect. As he told me once "everyone hates drudgery, why should you have to be the one to do it all? I certainly wouldn't want to". I don't know what to say to those whose husbands refuse to help at all (even when they aren't critisized for how they do it), except that it sounds like the chore issue is a symptom of a larger problem, a general lack of respect and compassion.
Does it drive me nuts when they leave jobs half finished for a few hours? Or when the laundry sits in the laundry room for days to be put away? Absolutely. But, I like having peace in my home and having every member participating in housework much more than I like perfectly spotless dishes. So, I had to train myself to chill out. This has taken years.
I'm fortunate, my husband understands that my primary focus as a SAHM is to raise the children into well adjusted adults. It's not to be a maid and make sure that every room in the house is perfect. As he told me once "everyone hates drudgery, why should you have to be the one to do it all? I certainly wouldn't want to". I don't know what to say to those whose husbands refuse to help at all (even when they aren't critisized for how they do it), except that it sounds like the chore issue is a symptom of a larger problem, a general lack of respect and compassion.
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ANGIECHICK: Well said. My hubby and I have the same agreement with laundry and it works well.
LONG POST: SORRY FOR THAT
We are all guilty of harbouring anger/resentment from time to time but when it lasts then there is something more serious. My hubby and I used to fight all the time, his mom did everything for him and he expected it to be that way with me as well when we got married. His mom used to tell me she thought it was wrong of me to make my kids help clean their rooms and the house because they didn't ask to be born so it was my job to do it all. Not sure how that logic worked in her mind but I was like whatever. Anyway, so much of the resentment would be prevented if we would ask ourselves "would I like to be talked to/treated this way?" If not you shouldn't do it. Happiness is a choice, I do believe this is mostly true. I do alot around the house but my three sons and DH help alot too. I don't necessarily like how they do things but I like that they are willing to try becuase that shows they care about me/ my feelings and love me. I accept that and try very hard when they do what I ask not to be critical or judgmental. That could really cause resentment, and the feelings of "I can't ever make her happy" or "I can't do anything right" I don't want my kids or DH to feel that way. I used to be very picky but have really lightened up because i knew they were starting to feel these things. Sometimes you have to look at the bigger picture, beyond dishes loaded into the dishwasher improperly, to the fact that at least they love you enough to try. Sometimes we need to accept that, and maybe realize our way may not be so perfect after all. I cannot tell you how many times my hubby would do things "his way" and I would get aggrivated and yell at him. Then one day I started to ask him why he does it this way or that way and what I found out was he did these things "his way" because last time he did my way the pans didn't ger as clean so he would try another method. He would say he wanted them to get real clean so I wouldn't have to do them later. He didn't do it his way to be stubborn but to be nice. Just as I am not his servant/maid he is not mine and entitled to his own opinions based on his own experiences. That is his right as well as mine. Before I started asking him why, I would have screamed and then he'd clam up which made me believe I was right. When I started simply asking him why I realized he did it to be nice and thoughtful or to make my day a little easier. Boy I felt real bad about hurting his feelings for so long. After this realization I asked why he never told me before and he said I was always yelling and he couldn't get a word in edge wise. Marraige is such a learning process. This is just what I learned and I hope it helps someone.
Remember anger usually is the result of hurt feelings, I had to examine my heart and find what was really causing my anger and for me I felt used and like noone really cared about my needs. Then I had to ask my husband why he felt so angry only to find out I was hurting him by not appreciating his "less than perfect efforts" of helping me. I'll say it again "MARRIAGE IS SUCH A LEARNING PROCESS"!!!
LONG POST: SORRY FOR THAT
We are all guilty of harbouring anger/resentment from time to time but when it lasts then there is something more serious. My hubby and I used to fight all the time, his mom did everything for him and he expected it to be that way with me as well when we got married. His mom used to tell me she thought it was wrong of me to make my kids help clean their rooms and the house because they didn't ask to be born so it was my job to do it all. Not sure how that logic worked in her mind but I was like whatever. Anyway, so much of the resentment would be prevented if we would ask ourselves "would I like to be talked to/treated this way?" If not you shouldn't do it. Happiness is a choice, I do believe this is mostly true. I do alot around the house but my three sons and DH help alot too. I don't necessarily like how they do things but I like that they are willing to try becuase that shows they care about me/ my feelings and love me. I accept that and try very hard when they do what I ask not to be critical or judgmental. That could really cause resentment, and the feelings of "I can't ever make her happy" or "I can't do anything right" I don't want my kids or DH to feel that way. I used to be very picky but have really lightened up because i knew they were starting to feel these things. Sometimes you have to look at the bigger picture, beyond dishes loaded into the dishwasher improperly, to the fact that at least they love you enough to try. Sometimes we need to accept that, and maybe realize our way may not be so perfect after all. I cannot tell you how many times my hubby would do things "his way" and I would get aggrivated and yell at him. Then one day I started to ask him why he does it this way or that way and what I found out was he did these things "his way" because last time he did my way the pans didn't ger as clean so he would try another method. He would say he wanted them to get real clean so I wouldn't have to do them later. He didn't do it his way to be stubborn but to be nice. Just as I am not his servant/maid he is not mine and entitled to his own opinions based on his own experiences. That is his right as well as mine. Before I started asking him why, I would have screamed and then he'd clam up which made me believe I was right. When I started simply asking him why I realized he did it to be nice and thoughtful or to make my day a little easier. Boy I felt real bad about hurting his feelings for so long. After this realization I asked why he never told me before and he said I was always yelling and he couldn't get a word in edge wise. Marraige is such a learning process. This is just what I learned and I hope it helps someone.
Remember anger usually is the result of hurt feelings, I had to examine my heart and find what was really causing my anger and for me I felt used and like noone really cared about my needs. Then I had to ask my husband why he felt so angry only to find out I was hurting him by not appreciating his "less than perfect efforts" of helping me. I'll say it again "MARRIAGE IS SUCH A LEARNING PROCESS"!!!
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Quote:
I really feel for you.
Just a suggestion: maybe ask him why feels this way, why he points out what needs to be done, etc... You might be surprised by the answer, whether bad or good. I am in NO WAY JUSTIFYING HIM DOING THIS but sometimes finding out why they feel that way is a starting point to fixing it. You may have already done this. His answer may aggravate you more but it is then a tool (be sure his honesty doesn't become your weapon to use against him later) to fix the problem or make other decisions for yourself. If he does open up and tell you his true feelings handle with care because this is sacred ground for men and it can be easily bruised. Many men instantly build a wall of resistence when their woman says "We need to talk", I've learned those can be dreaded words in the land of men. Hope this helps.
I really feel for you.
See, I don't understand why a guy wouldn't be willing to help if he could help without being hovered over.. Maybe it is because their moms followed them around with a dustpan...definitely wasn't like that with me, though.
I don't even think my mom owned a dustpan, if you know what I mean.
My existence at my mom's from age 17 or so going forward was basically sleeping and showering there. Between work, school, and a girlfriend, I always had a reason not to be home. Which was OK with me, because I really didn't want to be there anyway.
I did my own laundry, because nobody really "did laundry" at my house. Everybody just sorta seemed to scrounge up what they could, and when you did laundry -- you did your own darn laundry. To heck with helping anybody else.
On the rare occasion that there was any kind of appealing food in the house, I cooked for myself. Family dinner? -- never. Our automatic dishwasher was the kind that you wheel over to the sink, but it was perpetually broken. Dishes piled up constantly. To be sure I was eating on clean dishes, I generally had to wash what I needed just before using them. When I was done, I tossed them right back in the sink dirty, just like I found them, and walked the hell away.. I'm not washing it twice just so the next person through won't have to.
I think sometimes the little her way/my way thing we get into is because I actually have ways of doing things, but my ways were developed anywhere between 12 and 20 and very much through trial and error processes. Nobody showed me how to do laundry -- I just did it. I mixed lights and darks for years without ripping the fabric of space and time... And, what's this mythical "fabric softener" stuff people talk about? The washer and dryer, to me, have two settings each -- on and off. There's a bunch of other options on there, but if it's making noise, it's working as far as I'm concerned. If I need a skillet right then, and there's a skillet in the sink waiting to go in the dishwasher, I'll just wash it by hand with whatever rag or scrubby is closest and use it right then and there. But that scrubby you just used to wash that skillet has been used to clean plates with raw meat on them!! So what -- it's a skillet. I'm about to put raw meat in it. It's gonna get hot, right? There are no chunks on it, so...there ya go. Good enough. I never washed fruit or vegetables before my wife came along...nobody ever told me I should. I do now, though I occasionally still forget.. To her, a tomato is ruined if you slice it without washing it first, with soap. Needless to say, I've ruined several tomatoes..
Little stuff like that..
I will say this...when I was growing up, if you saw a glass with sticky pop or something in the bottom of it that had been sitting on an end table for a few days, it was a toss-up between all of us as to who left it there. Nobody ever really said anything about stuff like that..
My stepdad tried once to get me and my brother to pick up after ourselves by offering us an allowance (I was like 12, maybe) but the $$$ amount would be knocked down if we left stuff laying around or forgot to turn off lights when we left rooms, etc.. Good idea, right?
Well, not when he tries to rip you off because HE left a light on and blamed you for it.. Or when someone else left a glass sitting somewhere and he said you should have picked it up anyway.. Or when you actually did start picking up after other people just so you wouldn't get docked, only to have him get WAY behind on actually paying the allowance (or paycheck, depending on how you look at it) and then go "How much?!?" and cancel the whole program..
Which, by the way, is how the whole allowance thing ended....
Anyway..... I will admit that I'm pretty bad about leaving stuff laying around. There was actually DISINCENTIVE to clean up after oneself at my house -- what can I say!?!?
I don't like being that way, though, and I really try not to -- especially when it's something my wife is going to run across later and go "...is this your glass with sticky Kool-Aid in it?"
..
...
....
.....
"Maybe?"
I don't even think my mom owned a dustpan, if you know what I mean.
My existence at my mom's from age 17 or so going forward was basically sleeping and showering there. Between work, school, and a girlfriend, I always had a reason not to be home. Which was OK with me, because I really didn't want to be there anyway.
I did my own laundry, because nobody really "did laundry" at my house. Everybody just sorta seemed to scrounge up what they could, and when you did laundry -- you did your own darn laundry. To heck with helping anybody else.
On the rare occasion that there was any kind of appealing food in the house, I cooked for myself. Family dinner? -- never. Our automatic dishwasher was the kind that you wheel over to the sink, but it was perpetually broken. Dishes piled up constantly. To be sure I was eating on clean dishes, I generally had to wash what I needed just before using them. When I was done, I tossed them right back in the sink dirty, just like I found them, and walked the hell away.. I'm not washing it twice just so the next person through won't have to.
I think sometimes the little her way/my way thing we get into is because I actually have ways of doing things, but my ways were developed anywhere between 12 and 20 and very much through trial and error processes. Nobody showed me how to do laundry -- I just did it. I mixed lights and darks for years without ripping the fabric of space and time... And, what's this mythical "fabric softener" stuff people talk about? The washer and dryer, to me, have two settings each -- on and off. There's a bunch of other options on there, but if it's making noise, it's working as far as I'm concerned. If I need a skillet right then, and there's a skillet in the sink waiting to go in the dishwasher, I'll just wash it by hand with whatever rag or scrubby is closest and use it right then and there. But that scrubby you just used to wash that skillet has been used to clean plates with raw meat on them!! So what -- it's a skillet. I'm about to put raw meat in it. It's gonna get hot, right? There are no chunks on it, so...there ya go. Good enough. I never washed fruit or vegetables before my wife came along...nobody ever told me I should. I do now, though I occasionally still forget.. To her, a tomato is ruined if you slice it without washing it first, with soap. Needless to say, I've ruined several tomatoes..
Little stuff like that..
I will say this...when I was growing up, if you saw a glass with sticky pop or something in the bottom of it that had been sitting on an end table for a few days, it was a toss-up between all of us as to who left it there. Nobody ever really said anything about stuff like that..
My stepdad tried once to get me and my brother to pick up after ourselves by offering us an allowance (I was like 12, maybe) but the $$$ amount would be knocked down if we left stuff laying around or forgot to turn off lights when we left rooms, etc.. Good idea, right?
Well, not when he tries to rip you off because HE left a light on and blamed you for it.. Or when someone else left a glass sitting somewhere and he said you should have picked it up anyway.. Or when you actually did start picking up after other people just so you wouldn't get docked, only to have him get WAY behind on actually paying the allowance (or paycheck, depending on how you look at it) and then go "How much?!?" and cancel the whole program..
Which, by the way, is how the whole allowance thing ended....
Anyway..... I will admit that I'm pretty bad about leaving stuff laying around. There was actually DISINCENTIVE to clean up after oneself at my house -- what can I say!?!?
I don't like being that way, though, and I really try not to -- especially when it's something my wife is going to run across later and go "...is this your glass with sticky Kool-Aid in it?"
..
...
....
.....
"Maybe?"
- Jun 11, 2007
- 12,148
- 576
- 311
Do you chicks ever notice this? That when a guy is finished with something, it ceases to exist? For instance, takes a box of crackers from the cupboard, eats a couple crackers, box ceases to exist therefore it doesn't get put back in the cupboard.
Another instance, reads the newspaper, finishes newspaper, paper ceases to exist so it stays on the floor.
Last instance in this series: pours last of soda from bottle, bottle ceases to exist so it stays on the counter, empty.
Only us women, who have miracle eyesight, can see the item even though it has ceased to exist. We are SUPERwomen!
Another instance, reads the newspaper, finishes newspaper, paper ceases to exist so it stays on the floor.
Last instance in this series: pours last of soda from bottle, bottle ceases to exist so it stays on the counter, empty.
Only us women, who have miracle eyesight, can see the item even though it has ceased to exist. We are SUPERwomen!
Quote:
lol
I always get empty boxes, bottles, cartons, cans left where they belong (and I dont mean in the garbage..)
lol
I always get empty boxes, bottles, cartons, cans left where they belong (and I dont mean in the garbage..)
Quote:
I thought me going back to work would mean that we would all come home and clean, well that isn't the way it goes around here.
Wether I work or not, I am expected to do everything in the house. He thinks the outside is his and the inside is mine. Well, his outside is working on junk vehicles and mowing when needed, while my inside is tending to 6 people.
Tax Season is pretty hectic, so I was working from 9 am to 9 or 10 pm. He only complained because he had to tend to the kids homework, bathes and getting them ready for bed. He didn't have any time for himself. I just told him welcome to Motherhood
Other than that, he is actually a pretty good guy.
I thought me going back to work would mean that we would all come home and clean, well that isn't the way it goes around here.
Wether I work or not, I am expected to do everything in the house. He thinks the outside is his and the inside is mine. Well, his outside is working on junk vehicles and mowing when needed, while my inside is tending to 6 people.
Tax Season is pretty hectic, so I was working from 9 am to 9 or 10 pm. He only complained because he had to tend to the kids homework, bathes and getting them ready for bed. He didn't have any time for himself. I just told him welcome to Motherhood
Other than that, he is actually a pretty good guy.
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That could get you in trouble here, but only because I weave and some of those "closest" towels are hands off decorative only
I do put them in a spot that is always only for my special towels, so that everyone will survive the night
Quote:
I decided that selective vision can work to my benefit. When I'm wrapped up in a project, or just want to spend the day reading (very very rarely can I get away with that) he doesn't notice that the house is messy at all. My art area used to be in the living room, and when I was working on costuming theater productions there would be fake fur chunks, glitter, and half finished costumes EVERYWHERE. The sweetie never said a thing. Of course, he may have just been scared that I would ask him to help me
Which, believe me, is a valid concern when I'm working on deadline!
That could get you in trouble here, but only because I weave and some of those "closest" towels are hands off decorative only
Quote:
I decided that selective vision can work to my benefit. When I'm wrapped up in a project, or just want to spend the day reading (very very rarely can I get away with that) he doesn't notice that the house is messy at all. My art area used to be in the living room, and when I was working on costuming theater productions there would be fake fur chunks, glitter, and half finished costumes EVERYWHERE. The sweetie never said a thing. Of course, he may have just been scared that I would ask him to help me
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